Tales of the Vampire Kingdom
by Dr.Indigo
Summary: In this fascinating anthology, discover what the Land of Ooo would be like if Marceline wasn't the only vampire left in existence. How did she go from Vampire Hunter to Queen of the Undead? And just where did these new Vampires come from anyway? Read to find out. Pairings include Bubbline, some Finn X Huntress Wizard, platonic Ice King and Marceline, among others.
1. Chapter 1: Tales of the Regents

Hello everybody, and welcome to the first chapter of my newest fanfiction project, Tales of the Vampire Kingdom. Before we begin there are just a few things I'd like to clear up. #1. There is no one main plot of this story. It is more like a series of one-shots that all take place within the same universe that I have created. Therefore, chapter updates will be infrequent and based solely on when I come up with new story ideas for this AU. #2. Just to give you a frame of reference, this particular chapter/story takes place sometime before the events of "Slumber Party Panic" and therefore before the start of the series. #3. Words in _Italics_ are meant to convey either poetry, song, or flashbacks. #4. Adventure Time and all its characters were created by Pendleton Ward and are owned by Cartoon Network. I do not own them. However, I do own the OCs that I have created. Which reminds me, this chapter/one-shot is pretty OC heavy, but I think you'll still find it enjoyable if you give it a chance. So without any further ado, please enjoy.

Chapter 1: Tales of the Regents.

 _In the Land of Ooo there's a hidden kingdom, in a cavern underground._

 _And in this kingdom there sits a palace, roughly square shaped, not round._

 _And in this palace lives the Queen, the Queen of the Undead._

 _But never break her fragile heart, or she'll suck up all your Red._

This is a poem that was once known to all the children of Ooo in days long past. Not the most well written piece of poetry ever to come out of this post-apocalyptic paradise mind you, but simple enough for even the most slowwitted of rug rats to remember. Regrettably, it fell out of style sometime before the era of Joshua and Margret, so few who are alive today even remember it. I say this is regrettable because the kingdom, the palace, and the Queen described within the poem were, and still are, quite real.

In a large open room within the palace of this hidden kingdom, ten figures sat around a large round table. The room was known as the Regents' Court and the figures were known, appropriately enough, as the Regents. And although they were each of a different size, shape, age, race, and species, they all shared single commonality; namely, a pair of small puncture marks on each of their necks, located roughly near their respective jugular veins. This was because, as I'm sure you've already guessed, all of the Regents were vampires.

At the head of the table was a large, ornate chair, which at the moment was conspicuously vacant. In the chair next it sat a large, muscular, anthropomorphic crocodile-man with milky eyes; adorned only in a white tank top and a pair of well-worn jeans. He sat there, with his eerie eyes open and his arms crossed, quietly mumming a tune his Queen had sung to him countless years ago; allowing his massive tail to rock gently back and forth to the rhythm.

Directly next to him sat a tall, lean, anthropomorphic Doberman Pinscher who appeared to be dressed for battle; his garb consisting of a pair of bronze shoulder pads, a leather battle skirt, and matching sandals. He was attempting to distract himself from the air of boredom that hung over the room by sharpening what looked like a large broadsword with what looked like a small whetstone.

Next to him sat an anthropomorphic falcon-man, who was dressed almost exactly the same way, save for the fact that his shoulder pads were silver. He was, by all appearances, in some sort of deep meditative trance; his eyes closed shut and his talons folded into a pyramid as he softly muttered some kind of cryptic mantra.

Beside him sat a cat, though not of the anthropomorphic sort. In fact, to look at it, one might easily mistake it for a common housecat; save for aforementioned puncture marks and that fact that its fur was a deep purple. At any rate, said cat was trying to entertain itself by licking its front paws in an unusually saucy manner.

In the chair next to the cat there was a woman, and a very attractive one at that. She was vaguely human-like in appearance, save for her lime green and lightly freckled complexion, with long chestnut hair done up in two adorable ponytails. She was dressed in the tradition garb of a scientist, with her orange dress covered by a plain white lab coat and a charming pair of glasses on her face; though unlike your typical scientist, she also wore a small red gem on her forehead in an odd but beguiling sort of way. She too was trying to stave off the overhanging boredom in the room, in her case by attempting to solve a crossword puzzle.

Next to her sat another humanoid, a male this time, with pale grey skin, pointed ears, and long, wavy silver hair. He wore a tattered black t-shirt with matching pants, and seemed perfectly content drawing circles in the air with a tiny wand that appeared to have been carved from a willow branch.

Beside him sat a shrimpy goblin man dressed in a humble brown tunic and matching loincloth. He was busy occupying himself with a small blue book and, for reasons as of yet unrevealed, appeared to be twitching rather nervously.

Next to said goblin sat, or rather floated, a Lumpy Space Man who at first glance could easily be mistaken for a giant, floating bunch of blueberries with arms, a face, and a tiny star-shaped mark on its forehead. He was busy entertaining himself by making shadow puppets; though strangely enough, the lights were off and he had no other light source with which to create them.

Beside him sat a tall, muscular, dark green cyclops dressed in a white collared shirt, purple vest, matching tie, black pants, and brown loafers. Of all the Regents in the room, he appeared to be the most antsy; as demonstrated by the fact that he was rapidly drumming his nails against the table and checking his watch every few minutes.

In the final chair sat another cyclops who was an almost dead ringer for the first, save for the fact that he was dark blue, was dressed in a simple black t-shirt with the image of a purple heart on the front and light blue jeans, and had no shoes to speak of. By way of contrast to the first cyclops, this one appeared to be the most relaxed Regent in the room; as demonstrated by the fact that he was fast asleep on the table and snoring rather loudly.

For what felt like an eternity, these ten vampires sat in relative silence as they patiently awaited the arrival of the Court's final and most important member. However, one of them was far less patient than the others.

"Okay, that's enough of this." Said the green cyclops suddenly as he began to push his chair back. "She's obviously not coming. So why don't we just call it a night."

"Sit down Osiris." Said the falcon-man in a calm but commanding voice. "We will all sit here and wait for our Queen to arrive. No matter how long it takes."

"Oh come on Horus." The cyclops whined rather childishly. "Every year we do this. And every year Her Highness says, 'Aww, you guys, you really shouldn't have'. Ever think she might be trying to tell us something?"

"Your silver tongue may serve you well in your duties Gambler King, but it will not aid you tonight." Said the dog-man as he continued to sharpen his blade. "So I suggest you stop talking before I am forced to remove it."

"All I'm saying is, why should we put ourselves through this when the Queen probably won't even show up?" Osiris argued, clearly ignoring the dog-man's warning. "I mean; does anyone here even know where she is right now? Or when she'll be back?"

"Um, I think she said something about taking the Ice King to this new pizza place in the Wildberry Kingdom." Answered the Lumpy Space Man, who had apparently grown bored of his shadow puppets. "And then maybe I think she's taking him to a movie or some junk."

"You see!" said Osiris triumphantly as he finally stood up from his chair. "She could be gone for days. Glob knows, babysitting that frozen fool is an ordeal in and of itself."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" yelled Horus as he too stood up, looking absolutely furious. "Trying to weasel your way out of your responsibilities is one thing, Gambler King. But insulting Brother Simon is something I will **not** tolerate. Especially from the likes of you."

Despite Horus' intimidating display, Osiris was not impressed. Instead of sitting back down, he simply folded his arms and adopted an arrogant smirk.

"Oh, that's right," he said condescendingly. "You actually care about that worthless old washout, don't you?"

"One more word out of you and I'll…"

"You'll what? Rip my head off?"

"Don't tempt me."

"I'd like to see you try."

"QUIET!" shouted the milky eyed crocodile-man; instantly putting an end to the argument. "You two can fight each other all you want in the morning, but you will not do it tonight. Not on **her** night."

Neither Horus nor Osiris felt much like tussling with the eloquent brute, so despite their mutual hatred for each other, they elected to keep their mouths shut and return to their seats. Satisfied with his victory, the crocodile-man let out a contented sigh before continuing.

"Now, to answer your previous question Osiris, we 'put ourselves through this', as you so eloquently put it, because we are the Regents. And, more importantly, because at the moment we are the closest thing our beloved Queen has to a real family." The milky eyed reptile's words were surprisingly stirring; so much so that several of his comrades were already nodding in agreement. "Therefore, I feel it is our obligation, nay, our duty, to ensure her continued health and happiness. Whether or not she feels she deserves it."

XXX

 _The River Guardian's Tale_

 _The shade beneath the great willow tree was cool and soothing against his hard scales and the scent of wildflowers in the air was quite pleasing to his nostrils._

 _Spring had returned to the land and all around him the little creatures played in the warmth of that cruel malignant orb they called the Sun._

 _Having been born in a world of darkness he never gave much thought to the Sun, that is until the day it became as poison to his bare flesh. But alas, his mistress loved it so, even if she too could not bare its hateful touch. Which is why he stood watch over her as they laid together under the canopy of the ancient willow._

" _So Sobek, what do you think?" asked his mistress, bringing his focus back to her._

" _Well Your Majesty, it sounds like a piece of paper, but I assume you're referring to what's written on it."_

" _Oh… yeah, sorry. I keep forgetting." She said, laughing a little at her own embarrassment, before shifting back to her original train of thought. "Anyway, it's just some design ideas I came up with for our new home."_

" _Describe it to me please, my Queen." He asked with controlled excitement. "I love it when you describe things for me."_

" _Sure thing buddy." She replied in a soft, almost maternal tone. "Well, there'll be shops, and cafes, and everybody'll get their own house; just like in the Candy Kingdom. There'll be a library for Thoth, and a dojo for Anubis to practice in, and a great big river just for you."_

" _My own river?"_

" _That's right buddy, you've earned it."_

" _And what about you, Your Majesty?" he asked curiously. "Will you have a palace like Princess Bubblegum?"_

" _Oh, well I… you see its…" she began, sounding more than a little uncomfortable with this question. "PB and I kinda have different leadership styles, so I don't think I really need a palace."_

" _But you deserve one." He interjected. "You're our Queen."_

" _Yeah but…"_

" _Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassse~"_

" _Alright, alright," she relented, laughing a little at her subject's insistence. "If it'll make you happy, I'll live in a palace."_

" _Thank you, Your Majesty."_

XXX

"And furthermore, my friends, I believe that for the good of our Queen we must… that is to say I believe we must… I believe… WILL WOU STOP THAT!" Sobek snapped suddenly at the purple cat, who had up until that point been licking himself in a most inappropriate manner. "For Glob's sake Khnum, that's disgusting! Have you no sense of decency?"

To his credit, Khnum the Cat had ceased his licking as soon as he'd been called on it, but he did not seem the least bit apologetic. If anything he just looked mildly annoyed.

"Sorry mate." He said, almost sarcastically, to the crocodile-man. "But a bloke's gotta keep himself entertained somehow. Besides, it's not like you can see what I'm doing anyway."

"Yes, but I can still hear it." Sobek corrected him; his voice containing more than a few drops of venom. "And while we're on the subject of decency, why don't you change into something more appropriate for this occasion."

"Okay, but only because you asked so nicely."

With an amused chuckle, the purple cat gave his neck a sudden crack and his body began to twist and stretch. Within moments Khnum the Cat was no more, and in his place sat a purple skinned humanoid with short jet-black hair, dressed in a manner befitting a drunken businessman.

"There, are you happy now, Chopper-Face?" the now humanoid Khnum asked in a playful but clearly mocking tone.

Sobek, obviously not amused by such a cheek, let out a dissatisfied growl.

"Must you always behave like such an ill-mannered, inconsiderate ass?"

"Oh course!" Khnum answered with almost child-like bluntness. "I mean think about it. If I ever bothered to stop and think about how my actions affect other people, I wouldn't even have this sweet job right now."

XXX

 _The Spy Master's Tale_

 _Through a thick veil of inky blackness, the intrepid and dashing master thief, armed only with a pillowcase and a tiny flashlight, searches the legendary Palace of the Vampire Queen for the countless riches that most certainly lie within._

 _Yeah right!_

" _This place is a dump." Said the handsome and visibly fuming master thief as he quietly grumbled to himself with righteous indignation. Thanks to a bogus tip from his now former partner Arthur, he now found himself trying to rob a palace that, A) was more like a small three-story manor than a palace, and B) contained absolutely nothing worth stealing. "No paintings, no silverware, not even a blooming coin collection. It's like a bleeding poor person's castle."_

 _Having finally had enough of this pitiful excuse for a palace, the brilliant but brooding master thief sneaks silently through the Livingroom, towards the balcony and his dramatic escape._

" _Next time I see that fool Arthur, I'm gonna give him such a…"_

 _Regretfully, before he could finish his oath of vengeance, the master thief felt something cold and sharp wiz past his nose, just barely missing the tip, causing him to stop dead in his tracks._

 _A moment later the lights came on, allowing the master thief to see just was the heck was going on. To his immediate left he saw a large spear made of ice skewered halfway through the wall. To his immediate right he saw what looked like a six-foot-tall, anthropomorphic falcon-like creature with an icy blue mist radiating off its outstretched talon-like hand. Didn't take a genius to figure this one out._

" _Move one inch without my permission and the next one pierces your brain." Said the falcon-man in a calm yet threatening tone._

" _Oh, bugger." The master thief muttered fearfully; expecting these to be his final moments of precious life. Fortunately for him the universe had other plans, for he was soon saved by the voice of an angel._

" _Dang it Horus, I'm trying to sleep." Said a melodious but tired voice from seemingly out of nowhere. Seconds later, through an adjoining doorway floated a beauty pale-skinned maiden with long ebony hair, dressed only in a plain grey t-shirt and matching sweatpants. "How many times have I told you, no ice spears in the house."_

" _A thousand apologies my Queen." Replied the falcon-man respectfully. "But I caught this loathsome wretch attempting to burgle the Royal Palace. So I believe my actions were more than justified."_

 _The pale-skinned beauty, now positively identified as the Vampire Queen, narrowed her eyes at the master thief and, like a specter, slowly floated towards him._

" _Let me get this straight," she said as she suddenly got all up in his face. "You have the gall to sneak into my kingdom, sneak past not one, but three of my best guys, plus a couple thousand other vampires without being seen, and break into my palace, just so you could rob me?"_

 _The master thief nodded, despite believing that he would soon have his throat ripped out. However, much to his own surprise, the Queen soon adopted a softer and much more friendly expression._

" _Not bad." She said, sounding more than mildly impressed. "How'd you like to work for me?"_

" _Um… doing what, exactly?"_

" _Oh, you know, a little B &E, a little sabotage, occasionally some inter-kingdom espionage." The Queen explained casually. "Basically making life miserable for peeps I don't like." _

" _Sounds like a fun job, what's the pay?"_

" _Permanent asylum in my kingdom with a one hundred percent no extradition guarantee. Plus, immortality"_

" _Well, it sounds better than a spear through the brain." The master thief said factiously. "I'll take it._

" _Smart choice."_

" _Yeah so, what's my first assignment, um, Boss?"_

 _At this question, the Queen gave him a mischievous smile and asked one of her own._

" _Ever heard of the Candy Kingdom?"_

XXX

"Yes… well, be that as it may, please try to exercise a little more restraint from now on, won't you." Sobek said insistently, his words now only mildly laced with venom. "If not for my sake, then for Her Majesty's."

"As far as I know, Her Majesty's never had a problem with my behavior. In fact, she's often told me she finds my antics rather charming." Khnum boasted casually, earning another growl from his reptilian colleague. "But, if it will make you feel better, I'll try to keep my rambunctiousness to a minimum; at least until tomorrow."

"Well, see that you do!" said the crocodile-man authoritatively, before turning his attention back to his associates at large. "Now then, what was I saying?"

" **I** was saying that this is a complete waste of time." Osiris interjected, much to the annoyance of everyone else present. "I know, I know, Sobek has already stated his case quite clearly. But still, I say this matter warrants a second opinion. What say you, Brother Thoth?"

Suddenly, all eyes were on the tiny goblin vampire, who upon realizing this set his book down and began twitching even more nervously than before.

"M-m-m-me?"

"But of course. Though you may not be the most senior member of this council, your great wisdom has made you famous amongst our kind and has earned you a much deserved seat at this table." The dark green cyclops said in an obsequious, but clearly manipulative manner. "Therefore, if anyone can see that my argument is valid, that the Queen is perfectly happy as is, and that our presence here is unnecessary, it's you; O Grand Librarian."

All this false praise seemed to make the shrimpy goblin all the more uncomfortable. However, despite his obvious unease, Thoth still managed to stutter a reply.

"I-I hardly think I'm q-q-q-qualified to make such an argument."

"Come again?" asked Osiris, sounding mildly dumbfounded.

"While it is t-t-true that I am an expert on many subjects, when it comes to the Q-Q-Queen I am but a novice." Thoth explained, still seeming quite fidgety. "Her m-m-mind is like a great onion, full of many l-l-layers. And her soul is like an infinite labyrinth. Even with great wisdom and ex-ex-extraordinary senses, I often find it difficult to even guess what she is thinking."

"You must be joking."

"Oh no, I'm q-q-quite serious. Even at the best of times, Her Majesty's true motives and emotions can be quite d-d-difficult to read."

XXX

 _The Grand Librarian's Tale_

" _Down on your knees and pray, you goblin filth!" the vampiric pig-man shouted as he forced the shrimpy goblin and his fellow countrymen to, as previously stated, get on their knees and pray._

 _Five weary goblins sat upon a lonely hill while down in the valley below their beloved kingdom burned. Captured by the invading vampire horde, they all feared the worst. But none more so than the smallest one among them; who sat there shivering like a Chihuahua, desperately clinging to a small red book._

" _Are these the only survivors?" asked the vampire leader; a scary looking female in a black hooded cloak._

" _All that we could capture, my Queen." Answered her second-in-command, a black, vampiric dog-man with a broadsword on his belt. "The rest have all scattered. Shall be pursue?"_

" _Nah, I think the Goblin King got the message." The leader answered casually. "Maybe a few centuries of poverty will teach those goblins not to…"_

 _The vampire leader stopped midsentence as her eyes fell upon the littlest of her captives._

" _You there, what are you holding?" she asked the goblin with the book as he continued to shudder with fright._

" _You heard the Queen!" shouted the dog-man. "Show us what you're hiding!"_

" _I… I… I…" the shrimpy goblin stammered. "I… d-d-don't want to."_

" _Ugh! Just hand it over you little runt!" the Queen yelled as she stepped forward and ripped the book away from her captive; much to his dismay._

" _Noooo!" the scrawny goblin howled in misery as tears began to stream from his eyes. "Give it back! You big b-b-bully!"_

 _But the Queen heard none of this. She was too transfixed by the tittle of the little red book._

" _What's the matter, Your Majesty? What is it?" asked the dog-man concernedly._

" _It's… It's The Little Prince." The Queen answered softly as a little tear ran down her cheek. "My mom used to read this to me when I was little."_

 _Quickly wiping the tear away, the Queen crouched down to speak with the wailing goblin._

" _Where did you get this?" she asked, suddenly adopting a slightly more authoritative tone._

" _I… I…" the goblin stammered again as he tried to hold back his tears. "I found it in a c-cave, on the south side of the Grass Lands."_

" _And are there more books in this cave?"_

" _Y-yeah… thousands more. I go there whenever I need something new to r-r-read."_

" _Do you think you could show me where it is?"_

" _Y-y-y-yes ma'am."_

" _Good." She said smiling before she turned to her second-in-command. "Let this one live."_

" _As you wish, my Queen." The dog-man replied obediently._

" _So, little goblin," the Queen said, returning her attention to her former captive. "What's your name?"_

" _G-G-Geoffrey."_

" _Not anymore it's not." She replied bluntly. "If you're gonna run with my crew, you're gonna need a better name than that."_

" _Your c-c-crew?"_

" _That's right buddy, from now on you're one of us." The Queen said kindly before picking her new subject up and cradling him in her arms. "Now come on, it's time for dinner."_

" _Begging your pardon, Your Majesty." The dog-man interjected politely. "But what about the other prisoners?"_

" _Meh, suck 'em dry. You boys have earned it."_

 _Then without another word, the Queen turned around and walked back toward the center of camp; seemingly unaware that the bundle in her arms was desperately trying to block out the horrific screams of his former countrymen._

XXX

"Which is why when it c-c-c-comes to matters concerning the Queen directly, I often consult with either S-S-S-Sobek, Horus, o-o-o-or Anubis."

"Oh, well isn't that just wonderful!" Osiris blurted out suddenly, his tone an odd cocktail of exasperation, mockery, and manic energy. "Isn't that just swell! Thoth the Grand Librarian, the Solomon of the Vampire Kingdom, must regularly seek council from Her Majesty's loyal Butt-Kisser Brigade. Oh, that's just fan-freaking-tastic! The future of our fair government is all but secur-AAAKK!"

Before anyone knew what had happened, the dark furred dog-man was suddenly standing behind the loquacious cyclops; one hand digging its claws into his scalp and the other pressing the blade of a broadsword into his throat.

"I warned you about that serpent's tongue of yours, did I not. And yet you chose to ignore me." The dog-man said humorlessly as he pulled Osiris' head back to get a clearer view of his neck. "As Captain of the Royal Guards, I make it a point to personally eliminate any entity that could potentially endanger the health and happiness of the Queen. And right now, that includes you."

XXX

 _The Sword Master's Tale_

 _ **CLANG!**_

 _The sound echoed throughout the marzipan arena and the two blades clashed._

 _This was not the first time this had happened since the final round of the tournament began, and it certainly would not be the last. His opponent was quite skilled, for a machine, and he was most certainly putting the seasoned warrior through his paces, but eventually he would fall, just like all the others._

 _ **CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!**_

 _A roar came from the crowd as the two swordsmen clashed again. They were certainly putting on a good show for them. By utilizing both his keen canine ears and his laser sharp focus, he was able to pick up on some of their conversations without skipping a beat._

" _Sock it to 'em Rattleballs!"_

" _Show no mercy Anubis!"_

" _Anybody see where the popcorn guy went?"_

" _It's only noon? With that Sun Shield up I thought it was Midnight. Man, that Set guy is really something."_

" _I say, the old boy's in rare form today isn't he."_

" _Why wouldn't he be; he's performing for his Queen today."_

 _Ah yes, the Queen. The fair and radiant goddess to whom he had centuries prior sworn his eternal loyalty. She was watching him today. From up in the skybox with Princess Bubblegum. He wondered if she was enjoying his skillful display. So to find out he shifted his super-canine hearing directly on the Royal Box._

" _So Marcy, how's the new diet working for you?" he heard the Princess ask in a polite yet friendly manner._

" _Not gonna lie, red doesn't taste nearly as good as blood, but at least now I eat without feeling guilty. So I owe you big for that." He heard his Queen reply._

" _My pleasure. I'm just glad I could finally give you and your people some piece of mind."_

" _Yeah well, I wish that was all you did."_

" _What do you mean?"_

" _Oh Bonnie it's just…" the Queen began, sounding more than slightly distraught. "Ever since I met you, ever since we started working together on this project, they've started… treating me differently."_

" _I don't understand."_

" _Well, first there was Sobek practically begging me to let them build a palace for me. Then Thoth comes up to me one day and starts suggesting a holiday in my honor. Now Shu and Horus are insisting that I start wearing a crown. They've even started up a petition. They're actually going to force me to wear a crown. It's psychotic!"_

" _Well… Marcy, that's all a part of being royalty."_

" _Easy for you to say! You like having thousands of lackeys lining up around the block to kiss your bubble-butt all day!" he heard his Queen snap, but based on what came next he assumed she instantly regretted it. "I… I'm sorry Bonnie, it's just that… I don't deserve this. I'm not royalty. I'm just some messed up kid who's made way too many mistakes."_

" _Your subjects seem to disagree with you. And you wanna know something else, so do I." the Princess countered in a tough yet sympathetic manner. "You do deserve this. You deserve to be happy. To feel special. Yes, you've made mistakes, but you've learned from them. And now you're using what you've learned to build a better future for your people. You will be a great Queen, Marceline. I know it."_

 _The Queen gave no reply, but he could still hear her sniffling. She was crying, and that was something he could not stand for. The Princess had done her part to cheer her up and now it was time for him to do his. So with new determination he lunged toward his opponent to deliver a spectacular finishing blow._

 _He would win this tournament to make her smile._

XXX

"Anubis! Wait please!" Osiris begged in a pathetically childish manner. "You… you don't need to do this. I'll be quiet from now on, I promise. And all those things I said about you, I really mean about myself."

"Your honeyed words are meaningless, Gambler King." Anubis said coldly as he pushed the blade further into the cyclops' throat. "You are a loathsome, gluttonous, cad. But cease your prattling now, and I can at least assure you an honorable death."

The air in the room was so thick with tension you could've cut it with a knife. While Osiris sat there with a sword to his neck, sweating like a sinner at Sunday Mass, all of the other Regents sat in stunned silence; too paralyzed by either shock or indifference to even move a finger. Fortunately for the dark green cyclops, someone was able to regain her senses before the first cut was made.

"Just a moment, Anubis." Said the female vampire with the twin ponytails as she casually adjusted her glasses. "Perhaps you might want to reconsider."

"Oh, and why is that, O Grand Apothecary?" asked the Sword Master with dry curiosity.

"Because killing Osiris will make the Queen very unhappy."

Needless to say, no one had expected her to say that. Even Anubis, with his laser sharp focus, was so through by this seemingly preposterous statement that he nearly dropped his sword.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

"It's quite simple really." She began in a calm and logical tone. "Her Majesty formed this council so that the Vampire Kingdom would always have a strong ruling body, even in her absence. Is that not so?"

"Yes, that is so, but I…"

"And is it not also true that Her Highness handpicked each Regent personally, because she trusted each of us not only to do our own jobs, but to work together to keep our kingdom thriving?"

"Yes, that is also true, but I fail to see your point."

"My point, dear Anubis, is that a system was put in place so that the Queen would be free to pursue her own interests without having to worry about the state of her Kingdom. However, if she were to see this, one Regent literally at another's throat, she'd lose faith in that system." The Grand Apothecary explained, still sounding calm and logical. "Without faith, she'd have no choice but to disband this council and assume full control over every facet of the Kingdom. And I'm sure I don't need to tell you, having that much responsibility trust upon her all at once would greatly sadden our beloved monarch. So much so that she might not smile again for at least a century; if ever."

After his colleague finished her pitch, Anubis said nothing for what felt like a very long time. His expression changed at least a dozen times as he let his mind fully process the Apothecary's words. Finally, after seemingly hours of mental deliberation, the dog-man pulled the blade away from the cyclops' throat and put it back in its sheath.

"You are wise beyond your years, Grand Apothecary." Said Anubis respectfully as he roughly shoved Osiris' head into the table. "Very well then. For the good the Queen and my fellow Regents, I will allow this worm to live. For the time being, at least."

And with that said the tall dog-man quietly returned to his seat.

Panting heavily and still perspiring, Osiris lifted his throbbing head off the table and turned to his savior with a grateful eye.

"Bless you Serket." He said, this time with genuine admiration. "You saved my life."

"Don't read too much into it." She answered in a calm but nevertheless acidic tone. "I only did it because I didn't want bloodshed to spoil Her Majesty's special day. I owe her far too much to let that happen."

XXX

 _The Grand Apothecary's Tale_

" _You want me to do what?" the Vampire Queen asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, but could you repeat that; I think I have something really stupid in my ear."_

" _You heard what I said." Replied Dr. Princess, sounding completely unfazed, as she looked up from her microscope and turned her attention toward her 'guest'. "I want you to make me a vampire."_

" _Okay, then allow me to rephrase my last question. Are you out of your freaking mind?" the Queen shouted as she floated through the open window and into the laboratory proper. "Look, I don't know what you've heard about me, but I don't just go around biting people and turning them into vampires… anymore."_

" _Oh, I'm well aware of your policies on this subject, Your Highness." Dr. Princess explained. "But I'm hoping you'll be willing to make an exception once you've heard me out."_

" _Yeah… see, I've kinda learned the hard way not to trust princesses."_

" _Well then good news, Princess is just my surname. I'm just a scientist, not a royal."_

" _Not really helping your case Doc, I'm not too fond of scientists either."_

" _So I've heard, but believe me, I'm nothing like the ones you've met before."_

" _Alright, I'll hear you out." The Queen finally relented. "But if I don't like what you have to say, I'm leaving. Period."_

" _Sounds fair to me." Said the good doctor as she adjusted her lab coat and cleared her throat. "It's like this. I'm the greatest medical mind Ooo has ever seen. I've discovered cures for over a dozen fatal diseases and have received numerous awards for my revolutionary PT techniques. The only problem is, now I've hit a wall. I have theories that have the potential to completely remake medical science, but I can't even begin to test them because the technology needed to do so doesn't exist, and won't exist for at least one hundred years."_

" _So… you wanna be a vampire…"_

" _So I can live long enough to complete my greatest work ever."_

" _Yeah… that ain't happening." The Queen said bluntly as she turned her back on her 'host'._

" _What?"_

" _I told you, I don't work with scientists. Especially ones who are only out for personal glory."_

" _This isn't about glory!" Dr. Princess shouted defensively. "If my theories pan out, then millions, maybe even billions, of unnecessary deaths could be prevented every year! Just picture it, missing limbs, damaged hearts, even so-called irreversible brain damage, all fixed with just the flip of a switch."_

 _That last bit seemed to stir something deep within the Queen's ancient soul; at least enough to make her turn back around._

" _Okay, let's say for the sake of argument that I agree to do this." She began in a calm, rational tone. "You do realize that this isn't something you should take lightly. I mean, once I bite you it's a done deal. No more sunlight, no more aging, and nothing but red for the rest of eternity."_

" _I assure you, this isn't something I just decided to do this morning. I've researched this for months and am well aware of the consequences." The good doctor replied in an equally calm and rational tone. "But given the potential benefits, I'd say it's well worth it."_

 _The Queen did not respond right away; apparently needing a few moments to consider her options. However, after a minute or two of silent contemplation, the Queen smiled and gave her answer._

" _Alright, I'll do it."_

" _Thank you," Doctor Princess said with a respectful bow. "You don't know what this means to me. I promise, once I've completed my work I'll make sure the entire world knows that you made it all possible. Glob bless you, my Queen."_

XXX

"Well, I don't care what your reasons were." Osiris said, practically gushing. "I'm only alive right now because of you and I'm never gonna forget that. Somehow, someway, I will repay you for this."

"Thank you for the offer." Serket replied politely; though it was clear from her tone that she was very much annoyed by his proposal. "But that's really not necessary."

"No, no, the Gambler King never forgets a favor and I intend to pay you back no matter what." the cyclops continued; his words becoming sleazier as he went on. "You ever need some extra scratch for an experiment; just call me. You ever need a spare organ, no questions asked; just call me. Anything you want; just call me. I swear, I won't stop until… I'M BLIND!"

"Huh, that's really weird way to end a sales pitch." Remarked Khnum as he leaned back in his chair.

"It's not a pitch, you ass! I've really gone blind!" Osiris replied, sounding genuinely terrified. "I can't see a dang thing! All the world is darkness?"

"Osiris, if this is another attempt to get yourself excused, I swear to Glob I will be **very** upset." Said Sobek with righteous indignation.

"No! I swear! I'm really, really blind!"

"Um, g-g-guys, I think he's telling the truth." Said Thoth, much to everyone's surprise. "Just l-l-l-look at his eye."

Following the shrimpy goblin's advice, the remaining Regents all took a closer look at the cyclops' eye and lo and behold there really was something wrong with it; a strange but familiar inky black aura had enveloped the massive ocular orb, completely blocking out all light.

Recognizing this phenomenon, everyone who could turned their gaze towards the blue Lumpy Space Man, who at the moment was making a series of unusual hand gestures and muttering in an ancient tongue. Upon realizing that all eyes were on him, he suddenly stopped his gesturing and shot them all a look of his own.

"What?" he asked, sounding almost offended by their stares. "You guys all know I like to stir the pot."

"All too well." Said Horus, who was trying very hard to chuckle at the cyclops' predicament. "But seeing as how Her Majesty could pop in at any moment, perhaps it might be a good idea to cease your Shadowcery, at least for the time being."

"Ugh! Fine, whatever." The Lumpy Space Man relented childishly before snapping his fingers; causing the shadowy substance incasing Osiris' eye to dissipate. He then crossed his arms and quietly fumed. "Marcy wouldn't 've cared. Heck, she'd have laughed 'til she peed herself."

XXX

 _The Trickster King's Tale_

 _Thunder roared and lightning cracked as the stormed raged on outside. But inside the cave, two friends sat around a cozy little campfire; content with each other's company in spite of the violent tempest less than twenty feet away._

" _And then Dad was all, 'Son you've gone too far this time, you can't keep using your powers so recklessly.'" Said the first friend, a mud stained, leaf covered Lumpy Space Man. "So then I'm all, 'Lump off Dad! You don't tell me what to do, you fat-headed, no-neck, butt-face!' And shortly after that I got banished here to the Smooth Dimension."_

" _Ow, harsh." Replied the second friend, a pale-skinned beauty with a long black ponytail, who was busy strumming a relaxing tune on her ax-shaped bass. "But if you ask me, you're better off without him. Dads are overrated anyway."_

" _Yeah, totally." The Lumpy Space Man said in agreement, before he paused to violently scratch what appeared to be a series of rather serious ant bites. "So, what about you? What's your story? I mean besides the fact that you like animals. Like… a lot."_

 _This was most likely a reference to the falcon perched upon his new friend's shoulder, as well as the large Doberman sitting beside her, and the milk-eyed crocodile curled up next to her feet. Additionally, there were at least a hundred other animals of various shapes and sizes all mulling about the cave; as if all of them living together was the most normal thing in the world. Among them were several other breeds of dogs, more than a few cats, several bears, a whole family of wolves, as well as an odd assortment of boars, deer, wolverines, and what looked like baboons._

" _Like… a real lot."_

" _Oh, I'm just your basic, run-of-the-mill hobo." The girl answered, almost jokingly. "I'm Marceline by the way. What's your name?"_

" _Well… peeps used to call me Lumpy Space Prince, but I'm pretty sure that's my brother's name now." The Lumpy Space Man replied, before adopting a slightly more somber demeanor. "I guess I don't have a name anymore."_

 _Marceline frowned sympathetically; clearly moved by her new friend's plight. However, her expression soon reversed as she hatched a brilliant idea._

" _Wait, I think I've got just the thing." She said in an animated fashion as she set down her bass and began rifling through her backpack. After a few minutes of searching, she finally found what she was looking for and pulled out a small, think, leather-bound book. "Heads up!"_

 _With a strange newfound enthusiasm, Marceline chucked the book at her nameless friend, who much to his own surprise managed to catch it before it hit him in the face. Confused and more than a little curious, the banished prince examined the book and took note of its peculiar tittle._

" _To Heliopolis and Back: A Beginner's Guide to Ancient Egypt? Marceline, what is this?"_

" _The only book left in the whole world~" she answered in a playfully overdramatic fashion. "Or, at least the only one I've been able to find that wasn't burned, soaked, or half eaten by squirrels. It's super boring, but it beats staring at a blank wall."_

" _Cool…" the former prince said, clearly trying to be polite. "And you're showing me this why?"_

" _Well, that book might suck, but it's got its uses. It helped me find names for most of these guys." Marceline explained as she gestured to the strange menagerie surrounding their campfire. "Maybe there's a new name in there for you too."_

 _This stirred up a lot of complex emotions within the banished prince. He didn't weep with joy, but he felt like that would have been appropriate._

" _You'd really do that for me?" he asked, obviously touched by the offer. "You'd help me pick out a new name?"_

" _Of course man." Marceline answered sweetly. "That's what friends are for."_

XXX

"Set, you loathsome cur!" Osiris said in a low, yet whiney voice. "How dare you put me through that!"

"Oh, lighten up, Baldy." The Trickster King replied with casual antagonism. "What's the matter, can't you take a joke?"

"The only joke here is you, Set." The cyclops spat back. "Why Her Majesty made a useless thing like you a Regent I'll never know."

"Oh! You did not just say that to me!" the Lumpy Space Man exclaimed furiously as he quickly got all up in Osiris' face. "You did **not** just say that to **me**!"

"Set," Sobek spoke up, in an attempt to restore order. "Perhaps this isn't…"

"Put a sock in it Scale-Face!" the Trickster King shot back. "This has been a long time coming, and I'm gonna have my say. So just back off!"

Realizing this was a battle he couldn't win, the milky-eyed crocodile-man said nothing else; allowing Set to continue with his rant.

"Now listen up One-Eye! I'm getting real sick of that big mouth of yours!" the Lumpy Space Man said venomously; giving the cyclops several accusatory pokes to the chest as he spoke. "Trolling around the kingdom with your fancy clothes and your big words, acting like you're some kind of big shot! When all you are is a cheap lowlife!"

"You dare speak to me with such disrespect!" Osiris retaliated; suddenly sounding much braver than he actually was.

"Oh, I dare Baby! I dare because it's the truth!" Set countered; a veritable spitfire. "You act like a king, but you're not! You're nothing but a sleazy hustler who got outhustled!"

XXX

 _The Gambler King's Tale_

 _The in air in the casino was filled with the sounds of big band music and the scent of cherry tobacco. To most people such an environment would be totally inhospitable, but to a guy like Danny 'The King' Marconi it was home sweet home._

 _What had started out as a routine night of maintaining his rep quickly escalated into something much more interesting when a stranger literally floated into his domain with over four million in prewar bullion. Being the gracious and opportunistic gambler that he was, the King politely invited her over to his favorite poker table for a friendly game. Regretfully however, things did not go as smoothly as he would have liked, and what should have been an easy mark swiftly turned into an all-out war that raged for several hours._

 _It was about a quarter to midnight and the two combatants were ready to play their final hand. On one side you had the newcomer, who had already tripled her original investment, and on the other you had the King, who was down to his last eight grand. Was he behind, perhaps, but he wasn't about to give up just yet. Nobody beats the King. Especially not some scrawny little girl in her granny's sunhat._

" _So Little Lady, what do you say?" the King asked sleazily. "One last hand; winner take all."_

" _No thanks." The newcomer answered impishly; much to the King's surprise._

" _Come again?"_

" _Listen, this was fun for like, the first couple hours, but now it's getting old; not to mention kinda sad." She said as she gracefully shoved her winnings into her large burlap sack. "But hey, we should totally do this again someti…"_

 _Before she could finish, the King slammed his fist against the table; demonstrating that he was not amused by her antics._

" _Pick up your cards and play, little girl." He said, fixing her with a death glare that could scare the skin off a rhinoceros._

" _I said I'm not in the mood." The newcomer retorted; clearly unfazed by his display._

" _I don't care. You're not leaving until we play one last hand. All. Or. Nothing."_

" _Not. Gonna. Happen." She shot back, this time giving him a glare to rival his own. "Besides, I already got everything I need to help kick start my new kingdom. I'm not gonna risk it all for a measly eight grand."_

" _Then what if I sweeten the pot?"_

" _Sweeten how?"_

" _Anything you want, just name it."_

" _Hmm…" the newcomer hummed as she pondered this for a moment. A few seconds later, a devilish grin threatened to split her face in half. "You wanna bet? Okay, I've got a bet for ya. If you win you get all my winnings, but if I win you become my servant for all eternity."_

" _Deal."_

" _Say what?" she replied, clearly thrown for a loop. "Dude, I was just kidding."_

" _Well I'm not." The King stated boldly. "Your money against my freedom."_

" _You can't be serious."_

" _I never joke when it comes to gambling. Gambling is my life!" he said, once again slamming his fist against the table. "Now pick up your cards and say 'all in'!"_

 _The newcomer was visibly shocked by this declaration, but despite her clear objection she obediently picked up the cards, took a quick look at her hand, and said, "Okay, I'm all in."_

" _Good," the King said with a throaty chuckle. Then he too looked at his hand, just to make double sure that these were indeed the cards he had prepared; one, two, three, four Aces, and a King of Diamonds. Almost too easy. "All in."_

XXX

"Stupid Straight Flush." Osiris muttered under his breath for no apparent reason.

"What did you just say?" Set asked angrily; sounding ready to throw down.

"I said… I… I…" the Gambler King stuttered, before clearing his throat and continuing. "I said, my past may not be the most laudable, and my induction into the Vampire Kingdom may not have been under the best circumstances, but since then I have served our Queen faithfully and contributed much to our community at large."

"That is so **not** what you said." The Trickster King commented derogatorily.

"My point is that I have earned my spot on this council; more so than you have." Osiris spat venomously at his fellow Regent. "Therefore, I feel that I am undeserving of all the abuse I've suffered this evening."

That last comment earned several irritated groans; the loudest of which came from Horus.

"You know nothing about suffering, Gambler King."

XXX

 _The Palace Guardian's Tale_

 _The dark forest echoed with cries of fear and frustration as the young falcon struggled to free himself from the net that had so tightly entwined him. As he lay there on the cold wet ground, struggling like a fish out of water, he cursed the field mouse that had caught his eye and led him astray. Cursed him, because while he was free to frolic with his mousey brethren, the falcon would soon most likely become a meal for some filthy human; for no other creature hunts with such dishonorable methods, except perhaps spiders._

 _A sudden rustling in the bushes nearby told the young raptor that his assumption was correct and that soon he would come face to face with the vile human who had set this wicked trap. However, never in all his life would he have predicted what was to happen next._

 _From out of the rustling bush came a human, as expected, but not the kind he had envisioned. For starters this one was obviously female, what with her long jet-black hair and larger breasts, and from his limited experience with them, most human hunters were male. Secondly, this human had pale skin and pointed ears; far outside the norm for the hairless apes as far as he knew. Lastly, and possibly most importantly, instead of walking this human was crawling towards him on her hands like some kind of reptile. Most peculiar indeed._

" _I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" the strange human said in a hushed voice as she continued to drag her body across the forest floor. "I'm sorry… it just hurts too much."_

 _As she moved ever closer, the falcon suddenly noticed how terribly thin this strange human was. Her arms were little more than twigs and her ribs were visible beneath her tattered t-shirt; she looked as though she hadn't eaten in weeks. Also, despite the fact that her long black hair was concealing her face, he could clearly hear her sniffling; it almost sounded like she was crying._

" _It wasn't supposed to be this way… I wanted to go with them… but then_ _ **he**_ _had to ruin everything…_ _ **he**_ _made me this way…_ _ **he**_ _made me a_ _ **monster**_ _!" the human rambled, likely half-crazed from starvation. She was very close to him now, and from this distance the falcon could see and hear everything much more clearly. This human wasn't just crying; she was full-blown sobbing. "I tried to control it… tried to ignore it… but the pain just got_ _ **worse**_ _! Drums in my head… acid in my veins… no rest… no peace… only the hunger… and the emptiness!"_

 _The wailing human grabbed the falcon and for a moment he struggled to break free, but he soon stopped once he finally got a good look at her face. Cheeks caved in from hunger, snot dripping profusely from her nostrils, and rivers of tears streaming from eyes so full of pain and sorrow that they were enough to break even a stoic old bird's heart._

" _I'm sorry… but I just can't take it anymore… I'm so hungry…" she said as she revealed an imposing set of fangs and slowly started moving them toward his jugular vein. "Please… forgive me."_

XXX

"Nothing. At. All."

"Well I respectfully disagree." Orisis replied, his tone more matter-of-fact than caustic. "I have endured many hardships in my life, both before and after becoming a vampire. Some of which were so traumatizing, that the memories of them still rouse me from sleep in a cold sweat to this very day."

"Bologna!" Set declared challengingly, though to his credit the Lumpy Space Man chose not to say what else he thought about the cyclops' story, for fear of being labeled a Potty Mouth.

"Naysay all you like Trickster King, but this time I've got you. This time I can produced a witness." He said boldly, before turning to the dark blue cyclops by his side. "Atum, my dear sweet little brother, please regale these Doubting Thomas' with a few tales from my turbulent youth."

However, what came next was much less of a regaling and more akin to the sound a buzz saw makes when cutting through a piece of petrified wood. Much to the Gambler King's unparalleled annoyance, his kid brother and star witness was still fast asleep on the Regents' table; a small puddle of drool forming right beside his gaping mouth.

"Ugh…" the older cyclops groaned in exasperation. "Why do I even bother?"

XXX

 _The Game Master's Tale_

" _I'm breaking up with you." Marceline stated bluntly; without a single trace of mirth or humor in her voice._

 _This, the young cyclops found particularly distressing, because although she had said those exact words countless times before, never had she said them with such absolute seriousness. It was enough to make him drop his game controller from shock; though not before hastily hitting the pause button first._

" _What's that Babe?" he asked in a concerned but halfhearted tone, as he turned his full attention to his apparently former girlfriend._

" _You heard what I said, and I'm really sorry." She replied, trying to let him down easy. "But it's just not working out."_

" _I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?"_

" _No, it's not that. It's just that, well…" the Vampire Queen said as she searched for just the right way to say what was in her heart without breaking his. "Terry… you're really boring."_

 _To his credit, the cyclops now officially known as Terry took this revelation surprisingly well. In fact, for several moments afterward he didn't react at all; he just sat there with a blank expression, seemingly lost in thought. Then, after what felt like an eternity, he finally replied._

" _Yeah, I can see that."_

" _Hey, don't take this the wrong way man. I mean, you're really sweet and you've got a lot going for you. It's just that you're so…"_

" _Boring?"_

" _Dispassionate." Marceline finished, still trying to handle the situation as compassionately as possible. "I mean, you've got brains, but no ambition outside of playing videogames all day. You spend half the time you're not playing games sleeping. And when you're not doing either you act like you're just going through the motions. Heck, I just dumped you and called you boring and all you can say is 'Yeah, I can see that'. Terry, I really like hanging out with you, but I just can't see a future for us together. I hope you can understand that."_

" _Yeah… I understand." The cyclops replied, his deadpan expression unbroken as he picked his controller back up. "So, do you want next game or what?"_

" _Ugh…" Marceline sighed exasperatedly before surrendering to her ex's apparently impenetrable emotional wall. "Yeah… why not."_

XXX

"…use the green hammer Mar-Mar…" Atum muttered softly as he continued to sleep in an ever-expanding puddle of his own saliva. "It shoots acid…"

"Oh brother…" Osiris moaned to himself as he lightly slammed his hand into his forehead. "I love you dearly, but you do infuriate me so."

"Oh. My. Glob!" shouted Set overdramatically. "Do you have any idea how pretentious you sound?"

Turning his attention back to the Lump Space Man, the elder cyclops wasted no time in resuming their previous shouting match.

"Now look here, Trickster King!" Osiris began boldly. "I've had just enough of your insults!"

"Oh yeah! Well I've had more than enough of you, period!"

"You arrogant little Son of a…"

Whatever scathing remark Osiris had intended for his fellow Regent was quickly forgotten when Sobek struck the marble floor hard with his massive tail; creating a thunderous crack that paralyzed all who heard it.

"That's enough out of both of you." Said the milky-eyed crocodile-man; his tone calm yet stern. "Set, you are a senior member of this council. Even with your proclivities, you should know better than to antagonize one of your fellow Regents. Especially on a day like today."

"I know Sobek," the Lumpy Space Man said bowing his head; sounding genuinely ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't." he replied bluntly before turning his sightless gaze toward the elder cyclops. "And as for you Osiris, your behavior this evening has been absolutely inexcusable. Within the span of eleven minutes your big mouth has either instigated or intensified altercations with not one, but three of your fellow Regents. That is a record, even for you."

Sobek's tone was not aggressive, but his words carried such an edge that Osiris couldn't help but wince with every syllable.

"If it had been anyone else, I'd have chalked it up to cabin fever. We have been waiting here for some time after all." The crocodile-man reasoned. "However, in your case, I can't help but suspect that these actions are deliberate. Perhaps even an elaborate charade to get yourself dismissed from this gathering."

"Really Sobek, you should hear yourself." The elder cyclops interjected in a desperate attempt to defuse the situation. "You sound like some sort of conspiracy nut."

"Don't play innocent Gambler King, it's not a good look for you." Sobek countered firmly. "Even with my eyes, I can see that this whole time you've been acting like an ass, well… more of an ass then usual, in the hopes that one of us would make you leave."

"Why that's… I mean… I didn't… that is to say I…" Osiris stammered as he struggled to find a way out. However, once he realized he'd been cornered, he let out a sigh and then confessed. "Okay, fine! I admit it! I was trying to get thrown out! But so what? The Queen doesn't care about these sorts of things! She never has and she never will! So I doubt she'll care if one of us leaves early!"

"That's where you're wrong." Horus cut in unexpectedly. "The Queen cares for all of us. Even you Gambler King, though don't ask me why. The fact that you're a Regent is proof enough. And although she'd never say it aloud, it would break her heart to see you absent on this night."

"Well you'll forgive me if I don't believe you." The elder cyclops grumbled in reply.

This conversation continued for several more minutes, but the bulk of it was not heard by one Regent. For he was quite lost in his own little world.

'Boring, boring, boring, boring,' thought the silver haired vampire as he continued to draw shapes in the air with his willow branch wand. 'Boring, snoring, touring, zoring, coring. I wish Marcy would show up already. Things are always better when she's around. Heck, she can make even the worst of times feel like a party.'

XXX

 _The Void Caster's Tale_

 _All the world was darkness._

 _An inky black void as far as the eye could see._

 _No Up._

 _No Down._

 _No Light._

 _No Sound._

" _Hey, I think he's starting to come around."_

 _Okay, one sound._

" _Oh, thank goodness."_

 _Two sounds._

" _Is he dead?"_

 _Three._

" _Of course he's not dead you idiot! I just said he's coming around."_

 _Four._

" _All of you shut up! He's almost awake."_

 _Five._

 _Five sounds and one blinding white light._

 _Suddenly, and almost violently, the world returned in an explosion of sound and color. As everything slowly came back into focus, he found himself gasping for air like asthmatic and for a moment he thought he might be dying. But then he felt a gentle touch against his breast, followed by a soothing voice._

" _Just relax man, everything's gonna be okay."_

 _Then, like a miracle, he could breathe comfortably again._

" _There you go buddy. All better."_

 _With his breathing restored to normal, he could finally focus on figuring out where he was. Though based on the raven-haired angel floating above him, his first guess was heaven._

" _Listen, this might hurt a little, but I need you try and say something." The angel asked; her voice like milk and honey. "Can you do that for me?"_

 _Not wanting to refuse such a lovely creature, he attempted to answer 'yes'. However, the only thing that came out was a low, hoarse sounding croak. In his state of shock and horror he reached for his throat and, to his further surprise, he felt two small puncture marks in the side of his neck. The angel saw his fearful expression and her hopeful smile faded away._

" _I was afraid this might happen." She said, sounding genuinely crestfallen. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Your throat was torn open, and you were bleeding so much. I… I thought that if I turned you, then maybe I could transfer some of my healing powers into you and save your life. But I… I guess I couldn't fix everything."_

 _It was then that the angel began to weep and as her salty tears rained down upon him, he felt his heart ache for her._

" _No, Your Majesty, please don't cry." Said a new voice, as its owner, a tall anthropomorphic bird-man, stepped into few and wiped the tears from the angel's streaming eyes. "This is not your fault. You did everything you could to save him. It's those beastly goblins who should feel sorry, not you."_

" _He's right!" an equally tall dog-man shouted from across the room. "Those goblins are animals! Going around pillaging towns and murdering children like they own the world. Someone should put them in their place!"_

" _I say we go down to the Goblin Kingdom and slaughter every last one of those monsters!" shouted a slovenly pig-man he hadn't noticed before._

 _Suddenly the angel ceased her weeping and after a few quick sniffles her expression shifted from sorrowful to something much more demonic._

" _Ya know, that's not a bad idea." She said as a sinister smile spread across her face. "Horus, you stay here and tend to our new friend. Anubis, you and Karnak come with me. I say it's high time we pay the Goblin King a little visit."_

 _And with that said, the angel flew out of the room with her cohorts in tow; cackling madly as she went._

" _Hey guys! Guess what we're having for dinner tonight!"_

XXX

'With just a few words she can turn tragedy into triumph, and sorrow into bliss. She's like a goddess of love and happiness all wrapped up in a gorgeous ebony ribbon.' The vampire mage thought pleasantly as he continued to play with his willow wand. 'Though she can be a bit slow at times. I wish she'd hurry up and get here already so we can start this thing. All this waiting is starting to drive me up the…'

Suddenly his thoughts came to a grinding halt as his extra sensitive ears picked up a series of faint but oh-so familiar sounds. A dopey grin soon spread across his face.

"Sol-I-Dar-I-Ty!" Sobek shouted adamantly at the elder cyclops. "That is the credo of the Regents. It means we either act as one or not at all. So it matters not what you do or what you say, Gambler King. We are all staying here until the Queen arrives so we can…"

 _TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP!_

In less than an instant all other arguments, all other thoughts, were put on hold as everyone who could turned toward the source of this most irritating of noises. To nobody's surprise, the sound was being made by the silver haired mage, who was rapidly tapping his willow wand against the oaken table; an obvious ploy for attention, but an effective one nonetheless.

"Alright Shu, you have our attention." Said Horus, sounding only mildly irritated. "Now, what's so important?"

Wasting no time, Shu raised up his willow branch wand and began writing a series of letters in the air; leaving behind a glowing purple trail as he did. By the time he was finished, a short but concise message was left floating in midair for all to see.

 _ **SHE'S HERE!**_

Just then, they all heard another strange sound, and their eyes all darted to the door on the far end of the room. Even in the inky blackness that surrounded them, their enhanced vampiric senses allowed them to see exactly what was happening; the door's brass knob was beginning to turn.

"It's the Queen!" exclaimed Horus with hushed excitement.

"Everyone to your places! Quickly!" added Sobek, with equally controlled elation.

With a soft creek, the door opened, allowing a shaft of light to penetrate the dark miasma that filled the room. And through that shaft of light, a silhouette emerged.

"Hey guys, sorry I took so long." Said the silhouette; its voice like wild honey dripping from a tree. "After the movie Simon wanted ice cream, and the guy running the place was a total donkus so I had to…"

 _CLICK!_

"SURPRISE!" all the Regents shouted as the darkened room suddenly filled with light. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOUR HIGHNESS!"

In less than an instant, all of the shadows and gloom that had previously permeated the Regent's Court were replaced by presents, balloons, and succulent red velvet cupcakes. And perhaps more importantly, the honey voiced silhouette was replaced by the Vampire Queen herself; in all her regal splendor.

There she stood, or rather floated, her long raven flowing almost past her ankles and her pale flawless skin practically glistening in the new light. She was dressed all in black, from the simple sandals that adorned her dainty feet, to the asymmetrical skirt that showed off her lovely legs, right down to the simple t-shirt imprinted with the image of a golden ankh that displayed her perfect tummy. Upon each wrist she wore a simple golden band, while encircling her head was an ornate ring of gold adorned with the figurehead of a hissing cobra.

To put it simply, the Vampire Queen looked positively ravishing.

"Aww, you guys," she said warmly as she looked on at her loyal subjects; a smile on her face and a slight pinkish hue on her cheeks. "You shouldn't have."

End Notes:

Holy Hell! That took forever to write. You guys have no idea. Anyway, I hoped you all enjoyed this first chapter. Like I said before, this is an anthology of one-shots that all take place in this little AU I've created. I don't know when I'll update, but I do have ideas for 3 other chapters at the moment. One involves how Marcy reconnects with the Ice King after not seeing him for almost one thousand years. Another revolves around Marceline and PBs complicated past and relationship. And the last one tells the story of how Marceline meets Finn and Jake in this reality. Not sure which I'll do first or when I'll do them. But if any of you out there have questions or suggestions just let me know. Anyway, I hope everyone had a festive holiday season and let's all try to make 2016 the best year ever. Peace.


	2. Chapter 2: Best Day Ever: Part 1

Hello everyone and welcome to the second installment of 'Tales of the Vampire Kingdom'. In this chapter, we learn the delightful story of how Marceline reconnected with the Ice King after not seeing him for almost a thousand years. As you may have already noticed, this story has been split into two separate parts. I have done this for a reason. Before we begin, I'd just like to point out that this story takes place about three years before 'Tales of the Regents' and therefore takes place before the beginning of the series. Also, like in the previous chapter, Italics means flashback. Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network, I own nothing and get nothing for doing this. Enjoy.

Chapter 2: Best Day Ever: Part 1.

" _You got the stuff?"_

" _Yeah man, I got the stuff. You got my intel?"_

" _What do you think I'm an idiot? Of course I got your intel."_

" _Great! Then lay it on me, my man."_

" _No, no, no, no, no. You don't get the intel until I see the stuff."_

" _Well alight, I guess that's fair… Hey wait a minute! How do I know you won't just take off with the goods and not tell me anything?"_

" _Well how do I know you won't just take off with the goods once I give you the intel?"_

" _What! I'd never do something like that."_

" _Why not? It's exactly what I'd do."_

" _Oh, so then you admit that you were gonna rip me off!"_

" _What? No! I didn't… Ugh! This is getting us nowhere!"_

" _Yeah… I kinda see what you mean. We'll be here all day at this rate."_

" _Okay, look… I think I might know a way that we can make the exchange without either of us having to worry about a double-cross."_

" _Alright, let's hear it."_

XXX

High above the Land of Ooo, a large figure sailed across the sky, like some kind of majestic predatory bird. If one were to catch only a glimpse of it, one could easily mistake it for a bald eagle, or perhaps a giant snowy owl. However, if one bothered to look closely enough, one could easily tell that this figure was no common raptor, but was in reality a human being.

More or less.

With a song in his heart and a dopey grin on his face, the villainous Ice King used his long bushy beard to propel himself through the air. Although, villainous might not be the best way to describe him. True, the aged wizard had a penchant for kidnapping princesses with the intent of forcing them into marriage, and yes, he had a slight tendency to freeze people when enraged. But none of that was really his fault. He wasn't really evil, he just had a sickness. A sickness of the brain and heart. A sickness created by magic and nurtured by crippling loss and centuries of loneliness.

But alas, I diverge from the point.

At any rate, the mad king was in particularly good spirits that day. For you see, a mere two hours ago, he had had the good fortune to come across a gentleman who sold him an interesting piece of information; the location of a hidden kingdom within the Land of Ooo. And as the Ice King knew all too well, where there was a kingdom there was a princess. And more importantly, where there was a princess there was a potential bride.

However, before he could even begin to plan the wedding, he first had to find the place.

"Okay, now what did that guy say again?" the Ice King asked himself as he struggled to remember his contact's instructions.

XXX

" _Okay man, now that we've gotten all that junk out of the way, it's time for you to spill the beans on this whole Secret Kingdom biz."_

" _Yeah, yeah, a deal's a deal. Okay, the first thing you gotta do is… actually, you might wanna write this down."_

XXX

"Oh yeah…" the mad wizard said with a chuckle as he recalled the list of instructions he'd tucked away in his mystic beard. "Where is my head today?"

Retrieving the crumpled up piece of paper from his flapping facial hair, the Ice King un-crumpled it as best he could and then proceeded to read his scribbled directions.

XXX

" _Okay, you got your pen and paper ready?"_

" _Ready!"_

" _Good. Now listen closely, 'cause I'm only gonna tell you this junk once. Got it?"_

" _Got it."_

" _Alright then. Now the first thing you gotta do is get to the Candy Kingdom. You know where that is, right?"_

" _Oh boy, do I ever!"_

" _Good. Now when you get to the Candy Kingdom head strait north, and don't stop until you're past the Rock Candy Mountains."_

" _Candy Kingdom… North… Past the Rock Candy Mountains… Got it!"_

" _Okay, now once you're on the other side of the mountains you're gonna see a big winding river. That's the River Rousette."_

" _River… Rousette…"_

XXX

Having finally flown past the sparkling peaks of the Big Rock Candy Mountains, the Ice King paused in midair to check his bearings. After several minutes of scanning the area, he at last found what he was looking for.

"Ah, there she is." The mad wizard said rapturously, as he gazed at the absolutely gorgeous river several miles below him. "The River Rousette! Just as big and winding as advertised."

With his target in sight, he then plunged straight downward like a dive-bomber; his cartoonish grin never once leaving his face. Faster and faster he plummeted, until at the last moment he stopped dead in his tracks; leaving only inches between himself and the rushing waters of the Rousette.

"Well, that was fun." He said with an almost childlike giggle as he straightened himself up. "But now it's time to get back to business."

Then without another word, he flew off in the direction of the current; towards what he believed would be his destiny.

XXX

" _When you find the river, follow the current for several miles. It will lead you to a mountain near Ooo's northern coast. That's Mount Khonshu."_

XXX

On foot, it would normally take about four hours for someone to get from the Rock Candy Mountains to the base of Mount Khonshu; even longer if said someone chose to do so by following the entire length of the Rousette, what with its many twists and turns. However, thanks to the magic air travel, the Ice King found himself in the shadow of this massive landmark in less than forty-five minutes.

"Wowzers…" the mad wizard muttered to himself as he took in the full scope of the mountain's massive size. It was at least twice as tall as his own ice castle, and more jagged looking than anything he had ever seen before. To his aged and magic ravaged mind it almost looked like a giant pinecone made of rock. "That's a big 'un… No! No more getting distracted! I have to focus!"

Unfortunately, that focus was extremely short-lived; for not even a moment later, the Ice King found himself transfixed by the strangeness of his new surroundings.

As a resident of Ooo for longer than even he could remember, the mad king was no stranger to weirdness. However, the area surrounding Mount Khonshu was weird for a completely different reason; namely because it was unfamiliar. He had never been to this corner of the continent before, so from his perspective everything was new and interesting. From the mountain itself, to the tiny little blades of grass, to icebergs floating in the adjacent bay.

Wait a minute… Icebergs? Bay?

"What the…" Ice King muttered confusedly as he focused his aged eyes on the land just beyond the alien bay. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!"

But alas, it was true. Lo and behold, on the not so distant opposite shore was none other than his own beloved Ice Kingdom.

"Well isn't that just swell! I fly all over Ooo to find this place, and all I had to do was look out my window! Fan-Flippin'-Tastic!" he ranted angrily, before letting out a sigh of acceptance. "Oh well, at least it'll be a short trip home. Now… what am I supposed to do next again?"

XXX

" _At the base of the mountain, you'll find the mouth of a large cave. It should be easy to spot since the Rousette flows right into it."_

" _River… flows into… big cave… Got it!"_

" _Good, now listen carefully, because this next bit is_ _ **really**_ _important. When you're in the cave, follow the path of the Rousette_ _ **exactly**_ _. If you stray from the river, you'll get lost. And whatever you do,_ _ **don't**_ _touch the water. Otherwise_ _ **it**_ _will know you're coming."_

" _It?"_

" _ **It!**_ _"_

XXX

Compared to some of his previous princess-napping capers, this one was going surprisingly well so far. And in keeping with that theme, it only took the Ice King about eleven minutes to find the cave his contact had told him about.

Unfortunately, said cave turned out to be a bit more… 'intimidating' than originally advertised.

As he floated there above the rushing waters of the Rousette, the mad wizard couldn't help but feel as though he was staring into the gaping maw of some horrible, ferocious beast. Which was understandable, considering that the outside of the cave seemed to have been carved into something that resembled a human face; the stalagmites and stalactites within creating the illusion of teeth.

"Oh Bread Balls…" the Ice King muttered softly; followed swiftly by a fearful gulp. For the briefest of moments, he thought about just flying back home and calling it a day. But all his fears were soon pushed aside once he remembered the prize that awaited him within. "No! Faint heart never won fair lady. And there's an extra fine lady in there just waitin' for good ol' Ice King to sweep her off her feet. So no spooky cave is gonna scare me off! Geronimo!"

Then without another thought, the mad king flew headlong though the mouth and into a world of darkness.

XXX

" _The locals call it the River Guardian, but call it whatever you want, it doesn't matter. Either way its bad news."_

" _What do you mean?"_

" _Well, first off it's a vampire, just like the rest of them. Only… it's not like the rest of them. Spends most of its time underwater."_

" _Okay, then I won't go swimming. No biggie."_

" _Yes biggie! The Guardian moves through water like you move through air. Plus, all its senses are in overdrive thanks to all the Vampire Venom pumping through its veins. If you drop anything bigger than a hair or a skin cell into that river, it'll know about it and then it will be on you like a tiger shark on a sushi boat."_

" _Got it. So follow the river, but don't go anywhere near it."_

" _Exactly."_

XXX

For what felt like hours, the Ice King flew in total darkness as he followed the rushing river through the underground tunnel; taking extra care to stay as far away from the water as possible without bumping his head on a stalactite. His contact's warnings about the River Guardian had given him quite a scare; enough to make him extra cautious, but not nearly enough to make him turn around. He was on a mission of love. A misguided and delusional mission of love, but a mission of love nonetheless.

At any rate, he flew on and on into the heart of the mountain, following every twist and turn the Rousette threw at him. Deeper and deeper he flew into the inky blackness, until finally there was absolutely no visibility whatsoever.

However, just when things seemed their darkest, literally, a light appeared at the end of the tunnel. Dim at first, but as he flew closer the light grew brighter and brighter until the entire tunnel was nothing but a blinding white flash.

Within seconds the flash dissipated and the mad wizard suddenly found himself floating in an enormous underground cavern.

And that's when he saw it; in all its glory.

The Vampire Kingdom.

XXX

" _Once you get through the tunnel, that's when the_ _ **real**_ _trouble starts. One does not simply waltz into the Vampire Kingdom uninvited after all. You'll need to be stealthy and quiet. Do you know any Invisibility Spells?"_

" _Sure! Lots of 'em!"_

" _Good, you'll need every trick at your disposal to get past Anubis."_

XXX

"Oh my Glob…" Ice King whispered to himself in controlled amazement. "It's beautiful."

An understatement if there ever was one. For the Vampire Kingdom was truly a wondrous sight to behold; especially for first-timer.

As the waters of the Rousette poured out of the tunnel and into cavern they split into two separate, slightly smaller rivers that looped around the main city until rejoining in another cave on the opposite side; both acting as a protective moat and creating the illusion of an island. While high above, thousands of tiny crystal lanterns hung from the cavern ceiling; creating the illusion of a starry night sky and bathing the cityscape below in a faint bluish glow.

Like I said before, a wondrous sight to behold.

"Oh Wowzer~ To think I never knew such a place could ever exist." Ice King muttered dreamily, before quickly remembering why he was there in the first place and shaking himself back to reality. "No time for sightseeing. The Princess awaits! Time to unleash my… **mad Fridjitzu Skills**!"

And with that bold declaration, the mad wizard broke into a series of complicated hand signs and cryptic chants. Seconds later there was a blinding flash of snow, and when it cleared he was nowhere to be found.

XXX

" _Anubis is Captain of the Royal Guard, as well as one of the deadliest swordsmen in all of Ooo. You definitely want to avoid him at all costs."_

" _Okay… so what? I just turn invisible and sneak past this guy?"_

" _Not a good idea. Anubis has a heightened sense of smell. One whiff and he'll know exactly where you are. And if that happens you'll be dead before you even hit the ground."_

" _Then I'll just sneak in from the side or something and avoid him altogether."_

" _That won't work either. Anubis doesn't patrol in any sort of pattern. So at any given time he could be pretty much anywhere in the city. Plus, even if you get lucky and pick a spot far away from where he is, you still run the risk of being spotted by one of the thousands of other Vamps. Entering the city directly is way too risky."_

" _Well if can't go in through the front or from the sides how am I supposed to pull this off?"_

" _You want my advice; your best chance is to attack from above."_

XXX

High above the Vampire Kingdom, a second flash of snow appeared just behind one of the hanging crystal lanterns. Thankfully, the luminescent glow of said crystals managed to obscure this event from view. So the Ice King's sudden reappearance went completely unnoticed by the populace.

When the snow cleared, the mad wizard was posing like a shinobi from one of his movies. It made him look ridiculous, but he thought it looked cool and since no one else could see him it didn't really matter.

"Nailed it!" he said, giving himself a congratulatory fist pump. "Alright, now back to business."

With his anonymity temporarily assured, Ice King took the time to scan the cityscape below for his next target. However, through no fault of his own, the mad wizard kept getting distracted by how unbelievably charming this place was.

When he'd first learned of the Vampire Kingdom's existence, the aged monarch had envisioned gothic castles and Bavarian chalets; not cute little Egyptian themed houses with swimming pools and rooftop gardens. But even more surprising than the houses were the shops, the cafes, the library, the bowling alley, and the dozen or so other buildings that seemed totally out of place and yet fit so perfectly into this charming little community. It was like the Candy Kingdom, only darker and underground.

At any rate, in spite of all these distractions, Ice King did eventually find the building he was looking for; the Royal Palace. He knew for sure that this must be place because A) it was in the exact center of the city, and B) it was, as his contact had described, the only building that was bright pink. So with his target in sight, the mad wizard went into another series of hand signs, this time to turn himself invisible, and then dove straight towards it like a starving owl.

XXX

" _The Royal Palace is too big and too pink for even you to miss, so once you find it just fly right towards it as quick as you can."_

" _But what about that Anubis guy?"_

" _Don't worry, the Palace has its guardian so Anubis never bothers patrolling the area unless he's been ordered to. But all the same, you should go in invisible. Just to be on the safe side."_

" _Well, what about the other guardian?"_

" _His name is Horus, and he's a big freaky looking vampire bird-man. He's dangerous, but his senses aren't as sharp as Anubis'. So he should be easier to sneak by."_

" _Should?"_

" _Hey, should is better than won't."_

XXX

With all the speed and grace of a hungry vulture, the Ice King swooped down on the pastel palace of his potential bride; completely invisible to all who would stop him.

Needless to say, he was feeling quite pleased with himself. So far his mission had gone off without a hitch. However, he wasn't about to let himself get cocky; not when he was so close to achieving his ultimate dream.

'Nothing's gonna stop me this time.' He thought as he approached his final destination. 'Not even me!'

And with this newfound conviction, the invisible wizard flew over the wall-like fence that surrounded the palace and landed softly in the royal garden. Safely hidden amongst the palms and strawberry bushes, he then scanned the area for his next clue.

XXX

" _The Princess has a fondness for red things; especially plants. That's why her garden is full of them."_

" _Cool… and you're telling me this why?"_

" _Because it can help you, Stupid. The quickest way to get to the princess is through her balcony, and the quickest way to find that is to find the roses that grow beneath it."_

XXX

"Bingo!" the mad king whispered excitedly as he found the desired plant along the palace's eastern wall.

Just as his informant had described, a mass of wild thorny vines with flowering red buds climbed up the side of the pink structure almost a full two stories. And, also as his informant had described, right above where they stopped was an equally pink balcony.

"Oh boy." Ice said whispered to himself, sounding positively giddy with exhilaration. "Vampire Princess, here I come!"

With that said, he casually flew up the wall, hopped onto the balcony, and snuck quickly into his future bride's bedroom.

XXX

" _And that's pretty much all you need to know. Pleasure doing business with you man."_

" _Wait, that's it? But what about the rest of the plan? How do I capture Vampire Princess? How do I escape?"_

" _Sorry dude, but that's all the intel you're gonna get for just one measly sack of loot. Besides, you're a big boy, I'm sure you can think of something on your own."_

XXX

The lights were off, so the room was pitch black. Luckily, thanks to the double-edged swords that were his Wizard Eyes, the Ice King could clearly see, among other things, that it was currently empty.

"Oh good, she's not here yet." He whispered softly before letting out a sigh of relief. However, his see-through face soon adopted a much more fox like expression. "Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well scope the place to find out what kind of honey I'm bringin' home."

Had he been in his right mind the Ice King probably would have realized how unbearably creepy he'd sounded and gone home. But of course, since that pony had long since left the barn, he did neither and went right ahead with his pervy plan.

The first thing he noticed while silently skulking about the room was that it wasn't very clean. It wasn't a totally pigsty, but it wasn't exactly up to royal standards either. Dirty socks and t-shirts on the floor, bed not even close to being made. There was a lovely vanity set on the opposite wall, but even that was a picture of disharmony.

'Okay, so she's not big into cleaning.' The mad wizard mused inside his head. 'But hey, I'm kind of a slob myself, so it's not like it's a deal breaker.'

Next, he spotted a sick looking bass guitar, one modeled to look like a battleax, with an equally sick looking amp sitting right beside the vanity.

'She likes music. That's perfect! We can totally jam together.' He thought elatedly. 'Oh boy~ Now I'm getting excited.'

Lastly, he caught a glimpse of one of his all-time favorite movies laying on her nightstand; an infamous little flick known only as 'Heat Signature'.

'And we have the same taste in movies! Oh, it's almost too good to be true!'

By this point, the Ice King was practically bubbling with rapture. So much so that he failed to look where he was going and wound up falling face first onto his soon-to-be bride's bed.

'Okay, note to self, leave that part out when telling people at the wedding how we first met.'

He was about to push himself off, when he noticed something strange and lumpy hiding under the covers. Feeling curious, he reached under sheets to see what it could be and, much to his surprise, he pulled out some kind of weird looking plush doll. He supposed it could have been a bear, but with those long arms and legs it almost looked like tailless monkey. At any rate, whatever it was, it was ancient. Faded grey fur, patches everywhere, and the poor thing was even missing one of its button-eyes. Still, despite its raggedy appearance, the Ice King found it quite adorable; though he really wasn't sure why.

'Aww~ isn't that cute~ Vampire Princess still sleeps with a little dolly, how precious~' he gushed internally. Unfortunately, this euphoria was cut short as another, much more disturbing thought forced its way to the forefront of his addled brain. 'Wait a minute, just how old is Vampire Princess anyway?'

XXX

" _Hold on, something's fishy here."_

" _What do ya mean?"_

" _I mean; first you act surprisingly helpful for a guy I just met in line at the Squeez-E Mart an hour ago. Then, when I need an exit strategy you suddenly decide to clam up. This whole thing is starting to sound like a setup."_

" _What! That's crazy. I'd never do that."_

" _That's not what you said earlier."_

" _Oh… um… that… that was… a bit."_

" _A bit?"_

" _Yeah… you know, a gag, a shtick, uh… homina homina homina."_

" _I don't buy it. And I'm starting to think there is no Vampire Kingdom."_

" _No, it's real, I swear!"_

" _Then I bet Vampire Princess is a total Ug-O isn't she! You're trying to set me up with an Ug-O just so you can laugh at me! Admit it!"_

" _No, I promise, Vamp Princess is not an Ug-O."_

" _A Fatty?"_

" _No! Nothing like that, I promise!"_

" _Do you_ _ **Royal**_ _Promise?"_

" _Yes, fine, whatever! I Royal Promise! I Royal Promise that the Vampire Kingdom is real, and that the chick running it is a total cutie! Satisfied?"_

" _Well… Alright. I guess I can trust you."_

XXX

'Oh man, I really hope Vampire Princess doesn't turn out to be five or something.' The mad wizard thought as dozens of unpleasant scenarios played out in his mind. 'Otherwise this is gonna be a whole new low for me.'

"What are you doing?" asked an unfamiliar voice from out of nowhere, causing the Ice King to leap off of the bed in shock.

"Hitting the sack, man." Replied a different, much more pleasant sounding voice; also from nowhere. "I'm fricking wiped. Make sure nobody bothers me for… oh, I don't know… a week."

"Consider it done, Your Majesty."

Just then, he heard the doorknob on the far side of the room begin to turn, and his heart began to race. Someone, most likely Vampire Princess herself, was about to come in through the door, and for all he knew she could be a ten-year-old, or worse. More and more unpleasantly awkward scenarios played out in the aged wizard's mind, most of them ending in a severe beating from the guards and being unjustly labeled as a pedophile. And his anxiety only intensified when he heard the soft yet deafening creak of an opening door.

However, all of his fears simply melted away, as he turned his unseen eyes towards the door and bore witness to the heavenly creature that came through it.

'Oh. My. Glob! She's a total babe!' he thought joyously, though this may have been a grievous understatement; a more accurate description would've been 'a total knockout'. Long ebony hair, flawless ashen skin, two adorable little fangs sticking out of her mouth; plus, she just so happened to possess several other physical features highly desired by the superficial male.

But alas, I again diverge from the point.

Like the angelic being that she was, the Vampire Princess floated into the darkened room and quickly shut the door behind her. She didn't bother to turn on the lights, and from the state of her appearance the Ice King could see why. Despite having been previously blinded by her natural beauty, his aged eyes could clearly tell she was not at her best; eyes only half open, slouched posture, dressed in only a pair of red and grey pajama pants and a matching cute cat t-shirt. In other words, she looked like she was about ready to collapse.

With a long soft yawn and a long hard stretch, the Vampire Princess floated slowly toward her bed; all the time eyeing it like a zombie eyes an honor student. She was about halfway there when she suddenly stopped and started sniffing the air around her; her nose becoming bat-like with every whiff.

"Ugh! What's that smell?" she said to herself aloud as her face scrunched up in revulsion. "It's like old cheese and sweatbands."

It was in that moment that the Ice King realized something very serious. In his hurry to 'court' his prospective bride, the mad wizard had forgotten to shower before leaving his palace. So there was no doubt in his mind that the rancid stench the Princess had detected was his own. He needed to act fast and throw her off his trail. Otherwise, he would be discovered and the palace guards would likely kill him before he could even begin to explain himself. Fortunately, for once, the fates were on his side.

Instead of searching her room for the source of the foul odor, the Vampire Princess first took a moment to inspect her own armpit.

"Woah!" she yelped as she recoiled in disgust, before breaking into a fit of involuntary coughs. It wasn't until after about a minute or so of choking on her own rankness that she finally spoke up again.

"Ugh! I'm gross!" she declared, sticking out her serpent-like for emphasis. However, her exhaustion quickly won over her revulsion, and she merely shrugged it off. "Eh, whatever. I'll deal with it tomorrow."

And with that said, the Vampire Princess finally closed the gap between herself and her bed; collapsing face first into her mattress.

"Goodnight Hambo…" She muttered groggily to her stuffed toy as she pulled it close to her chest. "Or morning… or, whatever…"

Then she was out like a light.

Despite the convincing symphony of snores that followed, Ice King waited about ten minutes before making his move; just to be on the safe side. However, once he was absolutely certain that his quarry was really and truly out of it, he sprang into action. With the skill and dexterity of a high society cat burglar, the mad wizard gently plucked his future bride out of her bed; taking extra care to wrap her in a bedsheet to keep her warm, and making sure she didn't drop her doll because she just looked so darn cute sleeping with it.

At any rate, with his prize safely in her loving arms, the mad king slowly made his way toward the balcony, and by extension toward a wonderful new chapter of his life. However, before he could even get ten steps away from the bed, he paused for a moment to look down at his soon-to-be wife. Even fast asleep and drooling on a plush toy, she was truly a gorgeous sight to behold. So much so that, in a moment of weakness, the Ice King decided to steal a kiss from her, just one quick little smooch, before whisking her away to his snowbound kingdom.

This proved to be a grave mistake.

For as the mad wizard leaned in to press his lips against hers, his extraordinarily long nose accidentally poked her in the eye; causing her to jolt back into consciousness.

" _ **Yow!**_ " she cried as she was suddenly thrust back into the waking world.

Then, on a reflex, she delivered a spectacular blow to her would be captor's jaw.

XXX

" _Okay, now that I've got my gold and you've got your intel, what do you say you unfreeze my legs already so we can conclude this little transaction of ours?"_

" _Oh, yeah… about that, I really don't see that happening."_

" _What are you talking about? You have to free me, it was part of the deal!"_

" _No, our deal was booty in exchange for intel. Freezing your legs was your idea, so you can get out of it on your own."_

" _Are you out of your mind? You can't just leave me like this! There're coyotes out here!"_

" _Don't worry, you're a big boy, I'm sure you'll think of something."_

" _You Donkus! I'm gonna get you for this! You hear me! This isn't over!"_

" _Oh yeah? Well I'm walking away and you're still stuck there like a goof. Sure feels over to me."_

" _ICE KIIIIIIIIIINNNG!"_

XXX

With a not-so-gentle thud, the mad wizard fell flat on his back; his golden crown sent sailing across the room as he landed. Without his mystic headpiece in place, the spell of invisibility was broken; rendering him an easy target for the now fully conscious Vampire Princess.

"Ow, I think my nose is broken." Ice King whined childishly as he laid helpless on the floor; apparently not yet grasping the severity of his situation.

"Oh, I'll break a lot more than that before I'm done with you, you skeevy little pervert!" the Princess roared furiously before pouncing on him like a savage animal.

Within seconds she had his arms pinned firmly to the shag carpeting; he tried to break free, but of course she was much too strong for him. Her rage had apparently triggered some sort of supernatural transformation; for when the Ice King looked up, her once lovely face had morphed into that of a Lovecraftian horror.

" _ **First I'm gonna rip your lungs out and shove them up your stupid nose!**_ " the Cthulhu-esque Vampire Princess screamed nightmarishly. " _ **Then I'll claw out stupid eyes and smash your skull into… into… into…**_ huh?"

In less than an instant, the Princess resumed her proper form and adopted a much less threatening demeanor. Her face, which mere moments ago had been the picture of rage, was now a pale porcelain-like mask of shock and disbelief. For what felt like an eternity, she just stared at him in total silence; her eyes wide and unblinking. Finally, after what might as well have been a thousand years, she whispered a single, seemingly nonsensically word.

"Simon?"

To Be Continued in Part 2…

End Notes: The next chapter will be up as soon as possible and will be told from Marcy's point of view. Wanna know what happens? Favorite or follow me to find out. Please leave a review before you leave, I really enjoy reading them, and have a nice day. Later.


	3. Chapter 3: Best Day Ever: Part 2

Hello everybody, and welcome to the latest chapter of Tales of the Vampire Kingdom. This one is a direct sequel to the last one as it picks up right where it left off. Anyway, I don't wanna drag this intro out so… Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 3: Best Day Ever: Part 2.

" _Marcy? Marcy, what's the matter?"_

" _I… I had a nightmare. A scary man in a black suit was trying to take me away."_

" _Shhhh… It's alright now, Sweetie. The scary man is gone."_

" _Can I sleep with you tonight?"_

" _Of course you can, Honey. And if that scary man comes back, I'll just chase him away."_

" _I love you Simon."_

" _I love you too Marcy."_

XXX

"Simon?" Marceline asked aloud; partially to the strange intruder, but mostly to herself. "Is it really you?"

The intruder gave no reply. In fact, he looked absolutely flummoxed. But that was okay, because Marcy didn't really need an answer. She could tell just by looking into his eyes. He was Simon. The real Simon. Not some coincidental lookalike or hallucination, but the honest to Glob genuine article. And that single strand of knowledge made the ancient Queen's heart swell with joy.

Momentarily forgetting who she was and that she had an image to maintain, Marceline pulled the old man into a tight, protective hug and buried her face into his shoulder as her aged eyes unleashed a torrent of warm, salty droplets.

"I… I just can't believe it." She said as she continued to sob with unbridled joy. "After all these years, you finally came back to me. Now it can be just like before. Just you and me and nobod… what are you doing?"

Unfortunately, the Vampire Queen's tearful reunion was cut short when she noticed that her long-lost friend and devoted father figure was sniffing her hair like a pervert.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she screamed in disgust before pushing the old coot aside. "Ugh! Simon, what's the matter with you?"

But instead of giving her a straight answer, 'Simon' just chuckled giddily as he picked himself off the floor.

"Whoa boy, that was somethin' else." He said with an almost childlike air, before adopting a slightly more confused demeanor. "Wait, who the heck is Simon?"

And with that one, simple, seemingly innocent question, Marceline felt a knife go straight through her heart.

"You… you mean you… you don't know who I am?" she asked; already dreading the answer.

"Sure I do. You're Vampire Princess."

And yet again, the ancient Queen was cut right to her core. Of course he wouldn't remember her, he could barely remember his own name the last time she'd seen him, and that was almost a thousand years ago. The Crown had had centuries to ravage his mind and erase the man used to be. She'd known that. In the back of her mind she'd known that. And yet somehow, even after all these years, she'd still held out hope that maybe, just maybe, he'd come back to her. But now that hope was dashed. There was no more room for hope. The evidence was well and truly clear. Simon Petrikov, her friend, her father, was gone forever.

"Hey, are you alright?" The intruder asked, sounding genuinely concerned. "I'm used to making ladies scream, but I've never made one cry before."

"No, it's fine. It's not your fault." Marceline replied sullenly as she turned away from the man she once loved. "I just… I thought you were someone else."

Before either of them could say another word, a third voice rang out from just beyond her bedroom door.

"Your Majesty!" cried the voice of Horus from out in the hall. "Your Majesty! Are you alright! I heard a crash!"

Suddenly, the door flew open and in came the falcon-man; looking absolutely frantic.

"My Lady, are you alright? I thought I…" that Palace Guardian began; only to become enraged upon discovering the source of the disturbance. " **You**! What are **you** doing here?"

"Uh-oh." The old man muttered; sounding only half as nervous as he should have been.

"You insolent dog! You perverted little snake!" the other vampire spat venomously, much to Marceline's discomfort. "Do you think this a bordello? Do you think this the Candy Kingdom? How dare you, a lowly worm, even think of setting foot on such hallowed ground!"

"Horus stop! He didn't…" the Vampire Queen cried, but alas, her words were cut short by her regent's rage.

"The sheer audacity! The unmitigated gall!" the bird-man roared with murder in his eyes. "I'll have your head on a pike for this, Ice Wizard!"

Then with a loud, horrifying shriek, he pounced on the intruder like a wild animal.

XXX

" _BLAAAARG!"_

" _AHHHHHHHH!"_

 _BLAAAAAAAARRRG!"_

 _WHAM!_

 _SPLAT!_

" _BLAAAaaaaauk…."_

" _Marcy… Marcy, are you okay Sweetheart?"_

" _Yeah, I think so."_

" _Did it bite you?"_

" _No, I think I'm alright. Simon, what was that thing?"_

" _I'm not sure Honey, but I don't think we should stick around to find out."_

XXX

" _GAAAAAK!_ " the intruder cried as Horus tried to crush his windpipe. "GAH-Hey man… No need to get all WORKED up about this… This is all just a huge misunder-STANDAKKK!"

"Save your breath, Cretin; what little you have left." The falcon-man said threateningly. "For in a moment I shall break thy neck and end thy pitiful existence. Insect! Beetle! Worm that you…"

"Put him down!" Marceline commanded; finally speaking up after what seemed like a lifetime of silence. "Now!"

"But… but, Your Majesty. He's…"

"He's my guest." She said sternly. "Now, Put. Him. Down."

"But Your Majesty, I don't think you understand."

Horus was right, Marceline didn't understand. She didn't understand why she going out of her way to save this miserable wretch. He didn't remember her. He didn't remember anything. The Crown had destroyed his mind and left him not but a babbling fool. The old Queen knew that a quick death would be the most merciful course of action, and yet, for some reason, she could not bring herself to let him die.

"I understand that I just gave you a direct order. So if you know what's good for you, you'll obey it."

"But…"

"Now!"

Horus could be a bit overzealous with his duties as Palace Guardian, but Marcy knew he would never refuse a direct order; which is why she wasn't at all surprised when the towering bird-man bowed his head in reverence.

"Your wish is my command, My Lady." He said respectfully, before releasing the icy intruder from his talons; letting him drop onto the floor.

As she watched the old man hit the ground, Marceline felt a great wave of relief wash over her, and for the first time in over a century she truly felt at peace. So much so, that the ancient Queen even allowed a small smile to creep across her lips.

"Hey, are you alright?" she asked the iceman warmly.

"Um… yeah, I guess so." He answered as he rubbed his still tender neck; clearly confused by her seemingly random act of compassion.

"Good." She replied sweetly, before turning to her faithful Guardian. "Horus, my guest looks hungry. Go to the kitchen and make him something."

"Huh?" went the old man, sounding more confused than ever.

"My Lady," said the falcon-man concernedly, as he pulled Marceline aside to have a 'private' conversation. "I realize that ever since your… unpleasant falling-out with Princess Bubblegum you've been keeping a low profile and therefore haven't been keeping up with current events, but Your Majesty, I have. I've kept my eyes and ears open all these years and I've learned many things about the outside world. You have no idea who that man is or what he's capable of."

"That's where you're wrong Horus. I know exactly who that man is." Marceline answered sternly; sounding much more confident than she actually felt. "He's my friend."

XXX

" _Goodnight Simon."_

" _Goodnight Gunther."_

" _Huh? That's not my name."_

" _Oh! I-I-I meant Marcy. Goodnight Marcy. Of course that's what I meant."_

" _Heh, heh, heh, you're silly Simon."_

" _Yeah… heh, heh… I'm silly. Just a silly… silly… silly old man."_

XXX

While Horus was busy trying to prepare something a non-vampire could eat, Marceline decided to take her 'guest' on a tour of the palace. Although, it wasn't really much of a tour, since neither of them had said a word since leaving her bedroom. So in actuality, it wasn't so much a tour of the palace as it was two people walking down a long hallway in awkward silence.

After about another five minutes of this, Marcy noticed that her companion was staring at her.

"What?" she asked softly.

"Um… thanks." The old man replied nervously. "For calling off your guard I mean."

"Oh… you're welcome."

"Yeah… also, not that I'm complaining or anything but… why'd you do it?"

"To be honest, I'm not really sure." The old Queen answered; half lying. "I mean, just by looking at you I can tell you haven't had a good life. Five hundred years ago, I'd probably have let Horus kill you and written it off as an act of mercy. But I guess living in this palace for so long has made me soft. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm just too dang… _domesticated_ now."

"That doesn't sound so bad, at least from where I'm standing." The ancient wizard said with an odd sort of chuckle; half nervous and half deranged.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Marcy replied, allowing herself to smile and laugh along with him.

"You know, I gottta say, you're way nicer than a lot of the other princesses I've tried to kidnap."

"Wait, what did you just say?"

"Well, usually after I get caught they start yelling or throwing stuff at me, but you…"

"Not that, the other part. You were gonna kidnap me?"

"Oh… right, that." The old man replied, sounding more than a little embarrassed. "See, I kinda do this thing where I kidnap princesses and try to get them to marry me; it's pretty much my whole deal."

"I see…" said Marceline; attempting to sound as polite as possible. In all honesty, she was completely disturbed by this latest revelation; it provided a much too vivid insight into her old friend's diseased mind. Still, for the sake of being a good host, she decided not to mention it and immediately tried to change the subject. "Just for the record by the way, I'm a Queen, not a princess."

"What?" he exclaimed, sounding almost disappointed. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." She answered, almost playfully.

"But that's impossible! That Ash guy promised me…"

"Did you just say Ash?"

"Yeah, he's this guy I met this morning. He told me how to find this place."

"Ugh!" Marcy groaned furiously. "That sleazy little wenis! I can't believe he'd sink this low!"

"Wait, you know him?"

"Unfortunately." Marcy answered with a low grumble. "He's just this jerk whose had it out for me ever since I turned his brother into a vampire. He's been trying to get his revenge on me for centuries, but I never thought he'd do something like this."

"So wait, does that mean… he was just using me to try and hurt you?"

"That'd be my best guess."

"Wow… now I don't feel so guilty about ditching him in the woods with his nethers all frozen."

"You actually did that?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's so awesome!" the old Queen said enthusiastically; treating her guest to her heartwarming laugh. "You're really hardcore."

"You really think so?"

"Totally."

And with the awkwardness and unease of just a few minutes ago already forgotten, the two ancient beings continued down the hall; laughing and smiling just like a couple of old friends.

XXX

" _Say Ahh Marcy~"_

" _I'm not a baby, Simon. I can feed myself."_

" _I know that, Sweetie. But you're still a little weak from the fever, and this soup 'll make you feel all better."_

" _Hmmph!"_

" _Now don't be like that Gu… um… Marcy. I know you hate being babied, but I'm only doing it because I love you and I want you to get better. So please, just humor me; just for a little while."_

" _Well… alright. Ahh!"_

" _That's my girl."_

XXX

After growing weary of walking around in circles, Marceline and her 'new' friend decided to continue their conversation in a more comfortable setting. To that end, they both retired to the palace's Livingroom and plopped down on the least unbearable couch they could find.

"Ugh! This couch is so stiff and lumpy! I hate it!" the ancient ice wizard complained childishly; before quickly catching himself. "Oh, sorry Vampire Princess… I mean Queen! Vampire Queen. Heh, heh."

Seeing him so flustered brought a smile to Marcy's face; for a brief moment he almost sounded like his old self again.

"It's fine, I know this couch is awful. That's why I never use it."

"Then why do you even have it?"

"It was a present from one of my subjects. I knew it was junk the moment I saw it, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I just smiled, thanked him for the gift, and then tucked it away in a room I never use."

"Wow, do you do that with all your birthday presents?"

"Oh, this couch wasn't a birthday present, it was a random 'Just-Because' present." The old Queen explained, sounding more than a little irritated by the memory. "You see; my people have this annoying little habit of pampering me against my will. If they're not showering me with unwanted gifts, they're forcing me to go to the spa, or offering me rare strawberries from distant lands I can't pronounce. Honestly, if it were up to me I wouldn't even be living in this palace."

"Then why do you put up with it?" the old King asked innocently. "I mean, if you're the Queen, why don't you just tell them to ease up?"

"It's not that simple." She answered, pausing only to let out a hollow sigh. "Ever since I met… someone a long time ago, they've gotten it into their heads that I deserve to be treated like some kind of living goddess. It makes them all so happy to pamper and worship me, I just can't bring myself to take that away from them. Besides, just between you and me, I'm actually starting to enjoy my mandatory spa days."

"Well, when you put like that, I guess there are worse ways to live."

"You said it, Buddy."

"B-Buddy?" the old man asked; his voice laced with almost infantile hope. "You mean… you want to be my friend? For reals?"

"Of course," she replied cheerily. "Why wouldn't I? You seem nice enough."

"That's what I keep telling people, but nobody ever gives me a chance." The aged wizard said dejectedly; sending a massive pang of sympathy through the old vampire's heart.

"Well, I'm not nobody." She declared boldly; ignoring or possibly ignorant of the double negative she just dropped. "As far as I'm concerned, you can come here and hang out with me whenever you want."

"Really?" he asked excitedly. "Honestly and for true?"

"Yeah man."

"But what about Horus and all those other guys Ash told me about? Won't they…"

"You just leave them to me." She said reassuringly. "One little royal decree, and I'll have everyone in the kingdom treating you like a celebrity."

"Oh wowzers, that sounds great." The old man said ecstatically. "Thanks so much Vampire Queen."

"You're welcome, man. But there's no need to be all formal. The name's Marceline; Marceline Saccharin. But you can just call me Marcy."

"Oh, okay. Marcy." He said, flashing her a toothy but benign grin. "That's a really pretty name."

"Thanks." She replied, flashing him a sweet smile of her own. "I like yours too."

XXX

" _Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip~"_

" _That started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship~"_

" _Heh, heh, your songs are so good."_

" _Well thank you, Sweetie. Now, would you like to hear the rest?"_

" _Yes please."_

" _Atta-girl. Now then…"_

" _The mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure~"_

" _Five passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour~_

" _A three…"_

" _Simon?"_

" _Yes Marcy, what is it?"_

" _What's a skipper?"_

XXX

"No phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury~"

"Like Robinson Crusoe, it's primitive as can be~"

Marceline sang softly; her voice as smooth as velvet.

After the thrill of finally making a new friend had worn off, the ancient ice wizard started feeling a bit drowsy. The Vampire Queen couldn't tell if this was the result of his advanced age or if he was just worn out from all the excitement, but either way, being the generous host that she was, she allowed him to stay until he was once again up to snuff. She even offered to sing him a lullaby to help him relax. Nothing too fancy of course, just a pleasant little tune an old friend once taught her.

"So join us here each week my friends, you're sure to get a smile~"

"From seven stranded castaways, here on…"

"My Lady?" cut in a foreign but familiar voice from across the room.

Turning her attention towards the door, Marceline saw Horus standing there, his head lowered in reverence, with what looked like a bowl of hot tomato soup in his right hand.

"How long have you been standing there?" the Queen asked, sounding both curious and slightly annoyed.

"Just a few minutes, Your Majesty." Horus answered, sounding almost ashamed of himself. "May I please come in?"

"Of course, just try not to make too much noise. I just got him to sleep." She replied, gesturing to the snoring, blue-skinned wizard currently sleeping soundly with his head in her lap.

"Understood, my Lady." Replied the falcon-man, before he slowly made his way towards the couch and his Queen.

Once he was standing directly in front of her, he knelt down on one knee and lowered his head even further; taking extra care not to spill a single drop of his soup.

"Your Majesty, I… that is, I…" the bird-man stammered nervously as he struggled to form a coherent sentence. "I'd just like to apologize for before."

"It's really no big deal, man. You've walked in on me doing weirder stuff than this."

"No, I meant for my behavior in your bedroom; it was… unbecoming of a Regent." he explained, his voice dripping with self-recrimination. "You see; I was afraid that your century of isolation had weakened you and made you ignorant of the dangers of this era. That's why, when I first saw you with the Ice King, I feared the worst."

"Horus, it's okay."

"No it's not!" Horus shot back; still sounding deeply ashamed of himself. "When I looked at him all I saw was the villain I'd heard of through the rumor mill, and my only instinct was to slay him. But when you looked at him, you saw the truth. You saw a poor, miserable soul in pain, and you soothed that pain with kindness and compassion."

"Horus, you don't understand. I…"

"My actions today nearly led to the death of an innocent man. I am unworthy to be your Palace Guardian. I am unworthy to be your Regent. I am unworthy…"

 _ **SMACK!**_

Before the falcon-man could go any further, Marceline delivered a harsh slap to the right side of his face; effectively putting an end to his tirade of self-berating.

"That's enough!" the Queen said sternly. "I don't wanna hear any more of that kind of talk from you. Understand?"

"But, My Lady, I…"

"No buts," she commanded. "Now look, you were just doing your job. And even though you didn't make the right call this time, no one was hurt and you've got one heck of a service record to fall back on. So as far as I'm concerned, you're more than worthy to serve me; as both a Guardian and a Regent."

"But my actions were rash and impulsive, based solely on hearsay and lack of faith. Surely I must be punished, or made to make some kind of penance."

Marceline rolled her eyes at this. Why did he always have to complicate things by being so dingdong serious all the time? Still, if he was this determined to make amends, why spoil it for him?

"So, you wanna be punished, eh?" she asked, sounding more than a little mischievous. "You want to pay some sort atonement, is that it?"

"It is the only honorably path, My Queen."

"Very well then, I've got just the thing." The old Queen said as she cleared her throat; preparing to sound all regal and stuff. "As punishment for almost ending the life of an innocent man, I, your wise and beautiful Queen, hereby degree that from this moment on, you shall become his new best friend."

"I beg your pardon?" asked the bird-man, sounding deeply, deeply confused.

"I've already promised him that he can visit the kingdom whenever he wants." She explained, still pretending to be all posh and royal. "So, for his sake, I think he should have someone else to talk to besides me. Someone he can hang out with when I'm not around. Someone who I know will make him feel welcome and will encourage everyone else to do the same."

"I see…" he replied with newfound clarity, before briefly slipping back into confusion. "Wait, why wouldn't you be around?"

"I don't know, I might be… out, sometimes." Marceline began, abandoning her fake regal tone for one much more genuine. "All I know is that this whole experience made me realize that I haven't left this cave in almost a hundred years. Well, I'm done hiding from Bubbl… I mean the rest of the world. I wanna go out there and see what I've been missing. You know what I mean?"

"Oh, I understand completely, My Queen." Horus answered with controlled elation. "And you have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. Very well then, if that is what you desire, I will treat the Ice King as if he were my own brother."

"Awesome." The Queen said with a smile. "But do me a favor and call him Simon from now on. Okay?"

"Whatever you wish, Your Magnificence."

XXX

" _Simon… it's time to get up."_

" _Simon… I said it's time to get up."_

" _Simon, it's morning, it's time to…"_

" _Simon? Simon, where are you?"_

" _Simon, this isn't funny! Please, just come on out!"_

" _SIMON!"_

XXX

After taking his solemn vow of everlasting friendship, Horus went off in search of a plastic container in which to store the uneaten tomato soup for future consumption; leaving his Queen once again alone with her unusual guest.

"You really are gone aren't you?" she asked sullenly to the sleeping old man in her lap. "No memories, not songs, nothing left of the old Simon Petrikov except a little bit of his face."

The ancient wizard gave no reply, for he was much too out of it to hear even a single word.

"I went looking for you ya know." she continued; running her fingers through what was left of his hair. "Started right after you left. Searched for months without finding so much as a trace of you. And yet, somehow, I never gave up hope."

The old Queen let out a small sigh as the memories came flooding back.

"But then real life kept getting in the way. First there was that nasty business with my so-called dad, then there was my whole Vampire Hunter phase, then I became a vampire and started rebuilding the species; that was weird." She explained, her tone becoming slightly less gloomy. "It was just one thing after another, until one day I woke up and realized that over eight centuries had passed and you were still nowhere to be found. After that, I made up my mind that you must be dead and decided to move on with my life. Guess I kinda jumped the gun on that one huh."

Again, the old man said nothing, but for an unrelated reason, allowed a smile to spread across his lips.

"Oh well, I guess none of that really matters now." She said, allowing a cheerful grin of her own to form. "I don't care where you've been or what you've done or even that you don't remember me. All that matters is that we're together again. And no matter how long you've got left, I promise to make your last days on this Earth the best you've ever had. I love you Simon."

Either by fate or sheer coincidence, the Ice King murmured a reply from his nearly impenetrable dream state.

"I love you too Gunther."

End Notes:

Well, that's the end of this one folks. I hope you like it. Just for the record, I'm pretty sure that song is owned by Warner Bros. Anyway, next time we'll be looking into what exactly happened between Marceline and PB. Though I'm not sure if I'm gonna start writing that chapter right away or if I wanna work on my WoY story first. Meh, I'll decide tomorrow. Later.


	4. Chapter 4: Sugarless Gum: Part 1

Not much to say about this one. Except that Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 4: Sugarless Gum: Part 1.

I am standing at the gates of the Candy Kingdom.

My Kingdom.

Behind me, my people sleep soundly in their beds; ignorant of the mortal danger they are in.

Before me, stands a horde of monstrous creatures; beasts from an age I'd long thought forgotten.

Oh sure, I'd heard the stories. Seen the ruins of the Old Goblin Kingdom. But I never thought much of it. I never thought they'd come here. After all, what would Vampires want in a kingdom of sugar?

In retrospect I should have known better. I should have prepared for such an eventuality. But I did not. And now my people could all die because of my hubris.

As I stand here thinking, a lone figure emerges from the terrible mob. It is a young woman, about my age, give or take a century, with ashen skin and long raven hair. She is the Queen of All Vampires, and she has come to make her demands.

"Well, well, well," she says as she circles me like a shark. "So you're the prissy little princess I've heard so much about? Ha! You're even less impressive than I thought you'd be."

An obvious attempt to goad me into doing or saying something I'd instantly regret. I will not give her the satisfaction.

"I am honored by your visit, Vampire Queen." I say politely. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Oh~ Well aren't we little miss prim and proper." She says mockingly. "Listen Bubble-Butt, rumor has it you know where I can find the Enchiridion. So why don't you be a good girl and tell me what I wanna know. Otherwise, I'm gonna let my boys over there turn your kingdom into a graveyard."

A bold claim, but one she can easily substantiate.

If I'm going to end this without violence, I have to tread carefully.

"Even if I tell you where it is you'll never find it." I say, trying to sound diplomatic. "The Enchiridion is well protected, and can only be claimed by a true hero."

"Bull Crap!" the Vampire Queen replies crudely. "My father discovered that book over six hundred years ago. It only survived the War because he had the foresight to store it somewhere safe. He meant for me to have it."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I say, still trying to keep this situation from escalating. "But regardless, the only way anyone's getting their hands on that book is if they conquer the challenges of its Guardian."

"Ugh! I don't have time for stupid tests!" she replies angrily. "As soon as you give me the address, I'll just break in, kill the Guardian, and take what's rightfully mine!"

"And what makes you think I'll just give you that information?"

"How about the fact that I'm an immortal Queen with an entire army of bloodsucking monsters, and you're just a dainty little creampuff who's so pathetic that the only way you can make friends is to grow them in your lab!"

A juvenile taunt, but effective nonetheless.

It is enough to get my Candy-Juices boiling at least.

"Oh yeah!" I spit back without thinking. "Well at least I'm not a disease spreading parasite like you!"

In the blink of an eye, the Vampire Queen's expression goes from cruel amusement to white-hot fury.

"Take. That. _**Back!**_ " she says as her eyes and teeth suddenly turn more demonic.

"No!" reply stubbornly.

"I said, take it back!"

"Never!"

"Do you _want_ me to kill you?"

"I'd love to see you try!"

And… now I'm dead. When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut? Never now, I suppose. Wait… is the Vampire Queen… laughing? Oh my Glob, she is! And not an evil or menacing laugh like you'd expect, but one full of mirth and happiness. It's almost… cute.

"You… You're really not… not afraid of me… are you?" she asks, in-between hysteric guffaws.

"Nope." I answer, partly lying.

Much to my great surprise, I am met with even more laughter.

The Vampire Queen moves toward me, and after putting her arm around my shoulder, she smiles warmly and says,

"I like you."

XXX

I am sitting on a stool in my lab.

My Sanctuary.

I am looking over a formula for what I believe could be a powerful Decorpsinator Serum.

The prospect of resurrecting all of my deceased subjects excites me, but at the moment there is an 86% chance that the serum could unleash a Candy-Zombie Plague.

I may have to put this project on the backburner for a few years; at least until I can bring the risk factor down to 45%.

"Hey Bonnie~"

Oh sweet Glob, it's _her_.

The love of my life, and the bane of my existence.

Marceline the Vampire Queen.

"What'cha doin'?" she asks me in an overly affectionate manner as she literally hovers right beside me.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with her.

Lately she's become so… _clingy_.

"Not now, Marcy." I say, trying to be the adult here. "I'm not in the mood."

"But I'm so bored~" she whines childishly. "Come on and play with me~"

"There's an entire colony of Vampires living down in the Candy Catacombs, why don't you go play with one of them?"

"Because I wanna play with you~" she whines yet again. "C'mon, your Marshmallow needs attention from her Bonbon~"

Oh Glob, she's pulling out the Pet Names. She must really be starving for my attention. Unfortunately, I just don't have the time right now. So again I tell her,

"Not now. Maybe later."

"Ugh! But all this science stuff is so boring! Wouldn't you rather spend time with me?"

Honestly I would, but my work is too important. So once again,

"Not now."

"But what if I sing to you? You know you can't resist my singing."

She's really not going to let this go is she?

"No."

"Okay… what if I… turn myself into a little kitty and you get me to chase after your laser pointer? That's always fun."

Ignoring the images of Kitty Marceline dancing through my mind, I tell her,

"No!"

"But what if…"

"No!" I yell, finally turning to face her. "I'm sorry you're bored, Marceline. But I can't play with you right now. So why don't you just…"

Before I can finish, Marceline quickly presses her lips against mine.

My face heats up like a furnace and my mind goes blank.

She pulls away and smiles at me.

"Okay…" I say awkwardly. "Maybe just a five-minute break."

XXX

I am standing on the balcony of the Vampire Kingdom's Royal Palace.

Her Palace.

Beside me stands Marceline.

The Vampire Queen.

The Love of my Life.

She is wearing a red dress. The one I bought for her. The one that shows off her gorgeous legs.

She looks so beautiful I want to cry.

"They're amazing aren't they?" she asks me casually.

Oh Glob! Did she catch me staring?

"W-W-What?" I stammer nervously.

"The stars, Dummy. Didn't my Mages do an amazing job making them?"

Oh… she's just talking about the Crystal Lanterns. I… I knew that.

"Yeah… they're… uh… really something."

Smooth, Brainiac, real smooth.

"I know right!" she says excitedly, ignoring my awkward speech patterns. "Now it's like we have our own sky. No more living in the darkness."

She turns to me and smiles.

"And it's all thanks to you."

I feel my cheeks begin to burn.

"H-Hey, don't sell yourself short." I reply, trying to hide my embarrassment. "I mean, you designed this place. You got the money to pay for it. And you rallied your people to get it all done. This kingdom is all you."

"But only because of you." She says insistently. "I was ready to spend the rest of my life in some cramped cave in the woods. But you, you saw that I was meant for something greater. That's why you kept pushing me, and guiding me down the right path. And now… now I'm a real Queen, with a real Kingdom. And it's all thanks to you."

She throws her arms around me.

Pulling me into a tight, intimate hug.

"You're like an angel." She tells me, much to my discomfort. "My wonderful Guardian Angel."

I really wish she wouldn't say such things.

I really don't deserve it.

XXX

I am standing in the Master Bedroom of the Candy Kingdom Royal Palace.

My Bedroom.

Marceline is standing before me, in tears.

In her right hand she holds a small, leather-bound journal with the words 'Project Chiroptera' written on the cover.

In my handwriting.

"So, it was all a lie." she says accusingly. "All of it! You never loved me, I was just another experiment to you!"

"No, Marcy, that's not true." I reply, pleadingly. "I do love you, I always have."

She opens the book and begins reading from a random page.

"Quote: 'Using a subtle combination of Positive and Negative Reinforcement, I have successfully trained the Subject to detest the taste of blood'."

"You'd told me for years how much you hated drinking blood. I was just trying to help."

"Quote: 'If her antisocial tendencies are not curbed soon; I may want to consider having her defanged'."

"That was just a random idea, I immediately dismissed it."

"Quote: 'I have discovered that _**intercourse**_ seems to be the most effective way of reinforcing good behavior. Oh, the _**sacrifices**_ I make for my Kingdom'."

Okay… that one sounded really bad.

"Just admit it!" she yells at me; tears streaming from her eyes. "You never loved me! You were just afraid of what I might do to your precious Candy People! So you cozied up to me, whispered sweet nothings into my ears for centuries, and all the while you were brainwashing me! Training me! Like I was some kind of dog!"

"No, that's not true."

" _ **You called me your Pet Vampire on twelve different pages!**_ "

"Th-Tha-That was just a joke."

" _ **I HATE YOU!**_ "

She yells at me as she falls to her knees; sobbing uncontrollably.

"I hate you…I hate you…" she mutters in-between sobs. "You're a selfish jerk… and you ruined my life…"

Okay, this is bad.

This is very, very, _**very**_ bad.

But I can fix this.

I can fix _**all**_ of this.

I just need to stay calm, and make sure I don't say anything I'll regret.

"I ruined your life?"

Wait, what's happening?

" _ **I**_ ruined _**your**_ life?"

Oh my Glop, what's happening?

"You didn't have a life until you met me!"

Stop talking.

"You were just a messed up kid living in a cave with a bunch of monsters!"

Please, stop talking.

"You wouldn't even be wearing that crown if it wasn't for me!"

For the love of all that is holy, stop talking you pink headed idiot!

"So don't you _**dare**_ say I ruined your life! I _**gave**_ you your life!"

And… now you've done it.

As her sobbing intensifies tenfold, my unjustified rage subsides, and I realize how much I've donked up.

"Marcy… I… I didn't mean…"

" _ **YOU'RE A MONSTER!**_ "

She then transforms into a bat and flies out the open window.

Sobbing uncontrollably.

I stand there; staring at the open window.

I hear the door behind me open.

Peppermint Butler enters.

"Princess, what's the matter?" he asks me.

I don't answer.

"Princess, I heard shouting. Are you alright?"

Again I don't answer.

"Your Majesty, please, what happened?"

I answer.

"I blew it."

To Be Continued in Part 2…

End Notes:

I originally intended this to be a lot longer, but then I decided to split it into four parts for the sake of convenience. Hoped you liked it. Part 2 coming soon.


	5. Chapter 5: Sugarless Gum: Part 2

Picking up from the last chapter. Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 5: Sugarless Gum: Part 2.

I am standing in the Foyer of the Candy Kingdom Royal Palace.

My Foyer.

Tonight I am hosting a party in honor of Finn and Jake, and their most recent defeat of the Ice King.

Everyone is here.

Lumpy Space Princess, Wildberry Princess, Hotdog Princess, even the reclusive Engagement Ring Princess.

Oh, what fun.

"Greetings party goers." I say cheerfully as I make my grand entrance. "Glad you could all make it."

As I smile and wave to everyone, I walk over to the guests of honor.

Finn is holding a paper crane in his hand. Obviously a gift meant for me.

How thoughtful.

"Princess," he says as he walks over; probably to present me with his gift. "I just wanted to thank you for…"

"You call this wine!" shouts an obnoxious voice from across the room; effectively cutting off our brief conversation. "I wouldn't use this swill for paint thinner!"

How strange, I swear I've heard that voice somewhere before.

"Look buddy," I hear Peppermint Butler reply sternly. "I already told you. We don't serve wine in the Candy Kingdom. We serve fruit pun…"

"Then bring me a Bloody Mary!" the voice spits back. "Or a Strawberry Margarita! I don't care! Just as long as its red and full of alcohol!"

"We don't serve alcohol, Dingus! This is a dry kingdom!"

"No alcohol! What the hell kind of cheap shanty town are you running here!"

"That's enough, Osiris." Says a new voice calmly. "If it is their custom, then we will drink fruit punch. I'm sure you can survive one night without a bottle of Bordeaux."

That voice… like sweet, sweet, honey dripping from a wild tree trunk.

No… it can't be.

Not _**her**_.

Anyone but _**her**_!

In a panic, I rush towards the source of the voice; forcing my way through a small crowd that has formed around the epicenter.

Once I'm finally through, I stop dead in my tracks.

I am in the presence of Vampires.

Three of them.

The one on the left is a green-skinned girl with horns; I do not know her.

The one on the right is a dark green, well-toned cyclops; he seems… vaguely familiar.

But the one in middle, the one sitting on the small gilded throne, I know her; I know her very well.

Oh dear Glob, why is she here? And why tonight of all nights? Is she gonna make a scene? Is she gonna try to humiliate me in front of all these people? Is she gonna declare war on the Candy Kingdom? Oh Grod! What is she gonna do?

I take a step forward to get some answers, and immediately I find a floating arrow pointed at my throat.

The horned girl is shooting me a dirty look.

Fantastic… a Vampire Wizard.

"Now, now, Pakhet," says the Vampire Queen as she gracefully gets up from her mobile throne. "There's no need for that. I'm sure Princess Bubblegum just wanted to welcome us personally."

Without saying a word, the horned Vampire retracts her magic arrow and gives her Queen a respectful bow.

"So sorry about that, Your Majesty." She says to me, sounding more like a Queen than I ever remember her sounding. "Some of my subjects didn't want me coming here at all, and little Pakhet over there is something of a compromise. I hope she didn't scare you."

"No, it's… it's all good. I'm… I'm just swell." I reply clumsily as I struggle to regain my composure. "Um… what exactly is all this?"

"Oh, how rude of me." She says in a manner both playful and polite. "Osiris, would you be a dear and do that thing we practiced?"

"With pleasure, Your Magnificence." The muscular cyclops replies regally before clearing his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I, Osiris the Gambler King, introduce to you, Her Royal Highness, Marceline Saccharin; Queen of the Vampires."

Behind me, I hear Jake give out a girlish shriek and collapse from fear, but I do not turn around.

I am far too mesmerized by this whole bizarre scene.

What the heck is going on here?

Why has Marceline come back after all these years?

Why is she acting like this?

What is she going to do?

"Um… Princess Bubblegum." She says to me, suddenly sounding very nervous. "I just wanted to say, it is such an honor to finally meet you."

Say what now?

XXX

I am standing in a cage made of ice.

His Prison.

I am surrounded by a random assortment of other princesses, including Lumpy Space, Slime, Turtle, Hotdog, Raggedy, and Breakfast Princess.

They are all terrified.

But I am not.

I know Finn and Jake will be along anytime now to rescue us and punish this Frozen Fool.

And even if on the off chance they should fail, I have a backup plan; a small, spring-loaded dart gun hidden beneath my dress. If worse comes to worse, I'll just whip it out and use it on the Ice King; incapacitating him for at least a week.

Oh yes, I am in complete control of this situ…

"Everything stays~ Right where you left it~"

Oh no, not _**her**_.

Not now.

"Everything stays~ But it still changes~"

Oh Glob!

As if reacting to my emotional distress, the door on the far side of the room suddenly flies open, and the embodiment of my greatest fears gently floats in; looking extraordinarily regal with her Cleopatraesque outfit and matching parasol.

"Ever so slightly~ Daily and… Oh jeez, not this again." She says in mild exasperation as she finally notices the cage full of captives. "Okay, how long has he had you in there?"

I attempt to answer, but I am immediately cut off by the other princesses.

"Oh my Glob, it's Vampire Queen!" yells Slime Princess.

"Did that sick freak capture you too?" asks Breakfast Princess.

"Please tell me you brought your army!" begs Turtle Princess.

"You got any food?" asks Lumpy Space Princess.

"Whoa, just calm down everyone." She says diplomatically. "I'll have you all out just as soon as I…"

"Oh ladies~" the Ice King interrupts her as he suddenly comes through the same door; holding a tray of sodas in his hands. "I thought you might be getting thirty, so I brought you some tasty so- _gasp_ Marceline!"

Like the fool that he is, the Ice King drops his sodas on the floor and rushes over to give his new 'guest' a great big hug.

But wait, why isn't she resisting?

And why does she look like she's enjoying it?

"Oh Glob! I'm so happy to see you!" he says ecstatically. "I missed you soooooo much!"

"I know, and I'm really sorry I haven't been around much these last few months. I've just had a lot on my plate lately." She says apologetically, before adopting a much warmer tone. "But I'm here to make it up to you. I've cleared my schedule, so now we can hang out all weekend."

"Really?"

"Of course, Buddy."

"Honest and for true?"

"Sure as Shootin'"

"Will you…"

"I will make you my special pancakes."

"Oh boy!"

"Just one thing first."

"Anything for you, Marcy."

"Would you mind letting these guys go? I think they're ready to go home."

"Wha? Oh yeah, I don't need them anymore anyway. No prob."

Then with a snap of his fingers, the bars of our icy prison shatter like glass.

The others all pour out of the cage to shower the Vampire Queen with their thanks, but I hang back and try to make sense of all this.

What the heck just happened?

I mean what the actually heck?

Breakfast Princess turns around to shoot me a dirty look.

I ask her,

"What?"

She answers,

"Why didn't you think of that?"

XXX

I am sitting in the Surveillance Room of the Candy Kingdom Royal Palace.

My Private Observatory.

From this one room I can observe everything that happens within my Kingdom.

As well as a few select locations beyond its borders.

Some people might call this level of surveillance excessive, perhaps even a gross violation of people's right to privacy.

To them I say, until you've spent at least one day in my shoes you have no right to judge me.

But enough justifying my actions.

On to business.

Using my keen powers of observation, as well as my extraordinary ability to multitask, I watch over a dozen or so security monitors simultaneously.

Sector 12: Clear.

Sector 63: Everything looks normal.

Sector 157: Chaotic, but still within acceptable parameters.

Sector 26: Nor…Wait, is that LSP?

Suddenly racked with curiosity, I direct all of my attention on that one spot.

As I suspected, it is indeed Lumpy Space Princess.

Along with Slime and Turtle Princess.

They are sitting at a table in Pizza Sassy's; chatting amongst themselves.

I wonder what they're saying.

Enhancing audio.

"So girls, you'll, like, never guess who I saw at Couple's Movie Night last night." Says LSP to the other two; her tone extra gossipy today.

"Who?" the other two ask; both sounding equally curious.

"Finn and Vampire Queen." She answers saucily.

"What?" goes Turtle Princess.

"Like, as in together?" goes Slime Princess.

"Yup." Answers LSP; still sounding extra saucy.

"Oh wow," says Turtle Princess, sounding totally aghast; at least by turtle standards. "That's… that's just so unbelievable."

"Well, it's not that unbelievable really." Slime Princess counters casually. "I mean, Finn is so brave, and noble, and handsome. And Vampire Queen is so wise, and kind, and beautiful. They're perfect for each other."

"Yeah, totally." Says LSP. "But if you, like, ask me, kind is putting it mildly. I mean, she's nice to everybody. Even guys like Ice King."

"Well, I guess that's what happens when you get your heart broken." States Turtle Princess matter-of-factly. "Sometimes it makes you more empathetic."

"What are you talking about?" asks Slime Princess.

"Yeah girl," adds LSP. "If you know something juicy you'd better dish, like, now."

"Well… okay" Turtle Princess replies, sounding a little unsure with this decision. "Remember last week when we were all at VQ's slumber party? While you guys were busy giving each other makeovers, I snuck down to the kitchen for a snack, and I overheard some of the guards talking. Apparently, a hundred years ago, Vampire Queen was in love with this prince, and he totally stomped on her heart."

"What!" goes Slime Princess. "What kind of heartless jerk would do something like that to someone as sweet and demure as Vampire Queen?"

"I didn't catch his name." Turtle Princess answers. "But if it was a hundred years ago, he's probably dead by now."

"Well, I hope he died painfully." Says Slime Princess.

"Me too." Adds LSP. "I mean, what kind of lowdown, puss sucking scumbag would hurt someone as awesome and cool as Vampire Queen? Like, seriously, he must've been a total sack of donkey…"

 _CRASH!_

Huh? What the heck just happened? My screen just went black.

Oh, it appears that I just shattered it with my bare fist.

Strange… I… I don't remember doing that.

Huh, you'd think punching a security monitor barehanded would be painful, but I don't feel… _**OH GLOB! THERE IT IS!**_

XXX

I am sitting on a rock in front of the Ancient Door of the Door Lords.

The symbol of one of my greatest failures.

With me are BMO, Finn, Jake, and Marceline.

The symbol of my ultimate failure.

We are here because a Door Lord, a species I'd long thought extinct, broke into each of our homes and stole our most prized possessions. To get them back, we chased the culprit to his extradimensional hidey-hole, only to have the door slammed shut in our faces.

In order to open the door, we must first solve its ancient riddle. In order to do that, we must first become a 'Genuine Band', whatever that means.

Marceline seems to think that the riddle is telling us to express our innermost feelings to music; a notion I find patently ridiculous. But since I couldn't come up with anything better, I went along with it anyway.

She is just now finishing up an admittedly heart-wrenching song dedicated to her late mother. Surprisingly, this seems to work, as the mouths of the decorative faces on the door start to magically open; only for some reason they seem to stop just short of opening all the way.

Needless to say, I find this most annoying.

"I don't understand," says the Vampire Queen disappointedly. "I put my heart and soul into that song. It should have worked."

"Hey, Marceline, don't even worry about it." Finn says to her reassuringly as he places a hand on her shoulder; an act that bothers me for reasons even I don't fully understand. "Maybe it was one of us."

"Yeah," Jake chimes in. "Maybe it didn't work because one of us is holding something back. Like, maybe some deep and complicated emotions that need to be expressed."

He was looking at Finn when he said that, but Jake's words resonate within me, and I feel the sudden urge to speak up.

"Or, _maybe_ the song didn't work because the person singing it is such a massive phony!" I say sternly as I get up from my sitting rock and walk towards the Vampire Queen. "Isn't that right, _Your Majesty_!"

"I… I beg your pardon?"

" _I… I beg your pardon?_ " I parrot her mockingly. "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about! Ever since you came back, you've been acting all prim and proper, pretending that you're so sweet and demure, and it's driving me nuts!"

"Uh, PB, maybe you should…"

"I mean come on!" I continue, ignoring whatever Finn was about to say. "You're supposed to be Marceline, the prank playing, punk rock loving, showers only every other day, Vampire Queen! And yet here you are; having slumber parties, and planning spa days, and discussing affairs of state like you're a real ruler. You couldn't be more transparent if you were invisible!"

"PB, I think you should stop before you…"

"And worst of all, you have the nerve to pretend that you don't know me! That we never meant something to each other!" I feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I force them not to flow. "Well I've had it! You hear me? I'm done! I'm not just gonna sit back and let you torture me anymore! So you'd better fess up or leave Ooo all together! Cuz whatever you're plotting, it's not gonna work!"

I hear my own voice echo off the canyon walls.

I sound so… irrational; crazed even.

But I know I'm in the right.

I know this has all been some elaborate plot to drive me mad, to turn everyone against me. And once she confesses, they'll see too; they'll all see.

Only… why doesn't Marceline look phased by my accusation? Why doesn't she look afraid or guilty? If anything she just looks… well… not mad exactly, but not sad or neutral either.

I don't know what this look means.

"Wow, you've been letting that build up for a long time haven't you?" she asks me; though her tone suggests it wasn't really a question. "And you've certainly got a lot of _interesting_ ideas about me. But if you don't mind, I'd like to set a few things straight."

I want to say something, but her ambiguous tone makes the words die in my throat.

"First of all, I _am_ a real ruler." She says, her words cutting me like a knife. "I'm a real Queen! With a real Kingdom! And real Subject who depend on me! Sure, my Regents do most of the work for me, but I still have responsibilities and I take them very seriously!"

Her tone remains controlled, but her words burn me with every syllable.

"Second, the only reason I came back after all these years is because I want my Kingdom to grow and prosper, but in order to do that, I need to make connections with other Kingdoms!" she explains; her tone still caustic and undefinable. "And yeah, sometimes in order to do that I have to do things outside my usual comfort zone, like throw slumber parties and plan spa days, and if that gives some people the wrong idea about me, then so be it! I don't care if the whole world sees me as nothing but a dainty little creampuff! I have _real_ friends who like the _real_ me!"

The more she speaks, the more I feel like I'm only one inch tall.

"And Third, the reason I've been pretending not to know you is because our past is messy and complicated!" she continues, her tone finally starting to show subtle traces of rage. "I thought dredging up all that emotional junk would just make things hard for both of us and I thought you'd be smart and mature enough to realize what I was doing! But, big surprise, I was wrong!"

I feel so small right now. Microscopic in fact. Microscopic and on fire.

"So, just to clarify, no, I'm not plotting against you!" she says; her rage now not so subtle. "In fact, after today, I want as little to do with you as possible! You crackbrained, paranoid, egomaniacal jerk!"

 _Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!_

The air is suddenly shattered by an awful but unmistakable din.

The Ancient Door of the Door Lords has opened.

"Well, I believe that's our cue." She says to me; her voice now calm but disdainful. "Now if you don't mind, I have a doll to rescue. Good day, _Princess Bubblegum_."

And with that, she turns around and marches through the massive gate.

Finn and Jake follow her; their faces now portraits of confusion and discomfort.

I continue to stand here; frozen in place like a statue.

Nice going genius, you blew it again.

To Be Continued in Part 3…

End Notes:

This was a colossal pain to edit. But it was worth it. I hope you liked it.


	6. Chapter 6: Sugarless Gum: Part 3

Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 6: Sugarless Gum: Part 3.

I am sitting in the Surveillance Room of the Candy Kingdom Royal Palace.

My Private Observatory.

Once again, I am monitoring every inch of my territory, as well as a few other key locations, in order to assess any and all potential threats.

This time I've been at it for… two days straight… I think.

It's so hard to keep track of time in a room without windows.

Oh well, time is an illusion anyway.

Must keep focused on the task at hand.

Sector 62: Clear.

Sector 97: Everything looks normal.

Sector 4: Normal, but what else is new.

Oh~ What's this?

An abnormality in Sector 215.

It's Flame Princess.

And she's all alone.

In Finn and Jake's Treehouse.

How odd.

Let's see… she's… sitting on the couch and… she looks really bored.

Huh… maybe this isn't as interesting as I… Oh wait! She's getting up.

She's walking to the front door.

She's opening the door.

She's getting excited.

Very, very, very excited.

She's acting just like a giddy schoolgirl.

What the heck is she saying?

Enhancing audio.

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh~" the young fire elemental chants ecstatically; practically bursting with joy. "It's you! It's really you! Vampire Queen! I'm actually meeting _the_ Vampire Queen!"

Oh good lord.

"Uh… yeah." Marceline answers, sounding totally befuddled by the younger royal's display; and rightfully so. "You're Flame Princess… right?"

"Y…you… you know who I am?"

"Well… yeah, I mean… Finn's told me a lot about you. Say, is he around anywhere?"

"No! I mean… uh…he's out. With Jake. Getting some scented candles for me. Not that I smell bad or anything! I just really like them cuz they remind me of… well, that's not important. Please, won't you come in?"

"Um… okay."

The awkwardness is so thick I could cut it with a knife.

Yet somehow they manage to plow though it and make it to the Livingroom sofa.

"So… you've heard of me?" the Vampire Queen asks politely.

"Of course!" the younger royal answers excitedly. "I mean, ever since I ran away from home, all I've ever heard anyone talk about is how you're the greatest ruler, with the greatest kingdom in all of Ooo. How you carry yourself with more poise and grace than any other royal in the modern era. How you're the kindest, most generous queen in the entire universe."

Oh, BARF!

"I think you're giving me too much credit." Marceline replies, sounding more than a little uncomfortable. "I just do the best I can with what I've got."

"And you're humble too." Flame Princess adds, clearly not getting the Vampire Queen's message. "Wow~"

Oh, Double BARF!

"So, what brings you here anyway, Your Majesty?" the young elemental asks; still sounding like a pathetic little groupie. "Do you have some sort of grand, important quest for Finn and Jake?"

"Uh… actually, I just came over to ask Finn if I could borrow his Water Nymphs." The Vampire Queen replies; still sounding extremely uncomfortable. "I mean, I don't know if he actually owns them or what the situation is, but I figured he could at least help me get my foot in the door."

"Why do you need Water Nymphs?"

"Well… it's not really for me. You see, one of my Regents, Sobek, the one who guards my sacred river, he's been really moody lately. So I thought he might feel better if he had some company."

"So… your plan is to set him up with some Water Nymphs?"

"Well, I just thought that maybe they'd like a change of scenery. And who knows, the Nymphs might be open to settling down with someone who's a member of the ruling body of the most powerful kingdom in Ooo." Marcy pauses for a moment; probably because even she can't swallow the tripe she's spewing. "Okay, maybe it is a little sleazy. But I'm desperate."

"I don't think it sounds sleazy at all." Replies Flame Princess; still in fangirl mode. "I mean, the fact that you're willing to go through all this trouble just for one of you subjects. It just proves how kind, and generous and amazing you are."

Oh Triple BARF!

"Well… I don't know if I'd do this for just any of my subjects. I mean; Sobek was one of the original…"

"That settles it!" the fire elemental interrupts. "Your Majesty, please make me your disciple."

"What?"

What?

"You're so wise, and sweet, and kind, and beautiful. Please, teach me how to be like you."

Quadruple Infinity BARF!

"Woah, hey… I'm really not all that great." Marceline says, almost pleadingly. "Most of the time I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm just lucky really."

"Please teach me~"

"Also, I have a serious BO problem. The only reason people can stand to be near me is because I use too much perfume."

"Please~"

"Plus, I just remembered that I'm gonna be super busy all this…"

" _PLEASE~_ "

"Okay, okay, yeesh." The Vampire Queen says in exasperation. "If it means that much to you, I guess I can give you a few pointers."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~" Flame Princess squeals; causing both myself and the Vampire Queen much discomfort. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I promise I won't let you down, Your Majesty."

"Okay, Rule #1: If I'm gonna do this, then you have to stop calling me 'Your Majesty'." Marceline says as she rubs her temples in frustration. "Just call me Marcy. Okay?"

"Anything you say, Marcy Sempai."

"Oh brother."

 _CRASH!_

Oh great, I've broken yet another security monitor.

That's the sixth one this month.

When am I going to learn that it **_HURTS WHEN I DO THAT!_**

XXX

I am standing in a clearing in Tree Trunks' Apple Orchard.

Technically my Apple Orchard.

Today is finally the day.

After many months of planning and anticipation, the long awaited wedding of Tree Trunks and Mr. Pig is finally upon us.

Unfortunately, despite my self-appointed role as wedding planner, things are not turning out exactly as I'd hoped.

Firstly, there's the presence of a certain undesirably element, in the form of an eccentric young gentleman who likes to introduce himself as the One True King of Ooo. In reality he's nothing more than a two-bit grifter, but surprisingly there is a not so silent minority of people who actually believe his ludicrous claims about being the 'prophesized' savior who will one day unite all the kingdoms of Ooo under himself. And unfortunately, Tree Trunks is one of them, which is why she invited him to the wedding and asked him to perform the ceremony instead of me. I ran a quick background check and found out that he actually does have a valid license to do this, so the marriage will still be legal. Still though, I really don't trust this guy. I'll have to keep an eye on him just in case he tries to pull something.

Anyway, the other thing that's bothering me is the fact that the entire ceremony was pushed back a full six hours. It was supposed to start at two in the afternoon, but at the absolute last second Tree Trunks decided to postpone the proceedings until eight o'clock in the evening so some of her vampire friends could attend. So not only have I wasted an entire day on something that should have taken an hour, but now I have to spend the evening surrounded by Marceline and her bothersome brood.

I swear, that little elephant it really starting to tax my patience.

Oh well, the ceremony starts in about fifteen minutes, and I've yet to see hide or hair of the Vampire Queen herself. Maybe I'll get lucky and she won't show up. Stranger things have happened.

Okay, no more talking to myself. Gotta find someone else to talk to until this thing gets going.

Let's see…

Finn is chatting it up with LSP and her 'grandpa' Set.

Pass.

Jake is over at the bar getting snockered on Beaujolais with Khnum the Spy Master and one of Tree Trunks' ex-husbands.

No thank you.

The so-called King of Ooo is talking to Mr. Pig about something.

Perhaps I should go over there and…

"Marceline, can I please take my clothes off now?"

Or… maybe I'll just look over here first.

I turn my head just slightly to the left and there, to no surprise, I see Marceline sitting in the backrow on the bride's side of the aisle; looking especially lovely in her minimalist Cleopatra outfit.

But wait, who is she talking to?

"We've been over this, Nikki. Not until we get back to the palace." The Vampire Queens says to her companion; who I now recognize as one of the Water Nymphs from Finn and Jake's pond. Only, instead of her usual attire, she seems to be dressed in an Egyptian blue belly dancer's outfit.

"But Marcy~ These clothes are so confining. I feel like I'm suffocating."

That part at least makes sense. As nature spirits, Water Nymphs prefer to be naked, so they can be closer to the natural world. To them, wearing anything less revealing than a two-piece swimsuit is like being stuck in an iron maiden. And even getting them to wear those took two decades of pestering.

"I know, Sweetheart. But we're in public. You have to keep them on."

"But Marcy~"

"I'm sorry, but you know I wouldn't make you do this unless it was _really_ important." She says to her companion. Her tone is strange. It's almost maternal, but laced with something else. Something very… familiar. "Hey, don't look so glum. As soon as they say _I do_ , I'll make up some excuse for us to leave. Sound good?"

"Yeah, I… I think I can make it until then." The Nymph replies, suddenly sounding much less anxious.

"That's my girl." The Vampire Queen says warmly, as she puts her arm around her and… _Whoa!_

Did she… did she just _kiss_ her?

Did _Marceline_ just _kiss_ a _Water Nymph_?

Did one of the most _beautiful_ and _talented_ women in all of Ooo just _kiss_ one of the _dumbest_ creatures in all of creation?

Oh… my Glob… she did!

And now she's doing it again!

Oh Glob… Oh Glob, Oh Glob, Oh Glob… This can't be happening… This cannot be happening…

NO!

I refuse to let this bother me.

For Glob's sake, I'm Princess Bubblegum, not some lovesick teenager. Marcy and I broke up a long time ago. It's ancient history. I've moved on. She's moved on. We've both moved on. This doesn't bother me. Not one bit.

"Feel better, Cupcake?"

"And how, Muffin~"

This doesn't bother me.

This doesn't bother me.

My eye is twitching and my fists are shaking, but those are completely unrelated to Marceline and that stupid bimbo.

"So… you think this one will last?"

"I doubt it. They're not really in love. At least not the way we are. It's that right, Shnookums~"

This doesn't bother me.

This doesn't bother me.

I feel like my head is about to explode, but that is also unrelated to my current situation.

This doesn't bother me.

This does **_NOT_** bother me.

"Woah, easy there, Tiger. We're in public. Remember?"

"Oh, don't pretend you're not loving this. I know how my widdle Marcy Poo thinks."

That does it!

I need to go hit something.

Where's the King of Ooo?

XXX

I am sitting in the Grand Assembly Hall of the Breakfast Kingdom Royal Palace.

Easily my least favorite Kingdom; not counting the Ice Kingdom.

Today is Princess Day.

That special day when all the Princesses of Ooo come together in one place to discuss matters of consequence and celebrate all that it is to be a Princess.

Good Glob, is it boring!

And it's even worse this time around, what with Breakfast Princess running the show.

Ugh! How I despise that imperious little brat. Every word that comes out of her mouth makes me want to smack her upside her stupid head. Every smug look she gives me makes me want to puke. Sometimes I wish I weren't a Princess, if for no other reason then so I could wipe that arrogant grin off her face without causing an inter-kingdom incident.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it.

Nothing except grin, bare it, and focus on my crossword puzzle.

Okay now… 15-Across.

A Four Letter Word for 'Losing on Purpose'.

Starts with the letter D.

Diet.

Too easy.

Next Clue.

"Ugh! BP is such a drag. Why is _she_ hosting this thing?"

"Because it's her turn, Genius. And what are you complaining about? At least Breakfast Princess bothered to serve food. Unlike _some people_ I could mention."

"For the billionth time, that wasn't my fault! The caterer got the wrong address!"

26-Down.

A Ten Letter Word for 'A Surly Old Man'.

Second letter is U.

Curmudgeon.

Next Clue.

"I can't believe Vampire Queen didn't show. It's just not gonna be the same without her."

"Maybe BP didn't invite her. I mean, she's not technically a Princess."

"Are you kidding? Of course she invited her. She's nuts about her. Remember VQ's last slumber party. For Glob's sake, they did each other's hair."

42-Down.

A Three Letter Word for 'Self-Worth'.

Ego.

Next Clue.

"Hey, I wonder where Vampire Queen is."

"Didn't you hear?"

"Hear what?"

8-Across.

A Seven Letter Word for 'Humiliating Mistake'.

Hmm… I know this one. But I can't quite remember the word.

"VQ's gonna pop the question to her girlfriend."

"No way."

"Yes way. I heard one of the Regents talking about it. She's gonna make her a full-fledged Princess and everything."

"I don't believe it."

"Well believe it, girl. That's why she's not here. She's out buying the ring right now."

" ** _WHAT! HAS SHE LOST HER MIND!_** "

Oh… Oh my Glob… that wasn't in my head was it.

Oh Glob… and now everyone's staring at me.

Beautiful… Just beautiful.

Oh good, and now Breakfast Princess is shooting me a dirty look.

Fantastic.

Now my day is complete.

"Guards, please escort Princess Bubblegum back to her carriage. I don't think she's feeling very well."

Nope. Spoke too soon.

Now I'm being manhandled by Syrup Guards.

Wonderful.

Marceline's marrying an idiot, and I'm being ejected out of my least favorite Kingdom.

What the heck is happening to my life?

XXX

I am standing in the Observatory of the Candy Kingdom Royal Palace.

My _actual_ Observatory.

I hear some kind of commotion going on in the Town Square, but at the moment I am much too mesmerized by this thing I've found with my telescope.

A Comet.

An enormous purple comet heading straight for Ooo.

According to my calculations, the impact won't cause any serious damage, but the energy readings are off the charts. And they're so unusual. So… irregular. If I didn't know any better, I'd almost swear this thing was… _alive_.

Well, whatever the case may be, I intend to monitor the situation as it develops. And nothing, I repeat _nothing_ , is going to pry me away from this telescope.

You hear me?

 ** _NOTHING!_**

"Um… Princess…"

"Not now Peps, I'm busy."

"But My Lady, we have a bit of a situation on our hands."

"Whatever it is, it can wait."

"Actually, no it can't."

"Peps, what have I told you about contra…"

Wait a minute… that wasn't Peppermint Butler, that was… Oh my Glob!

Quickly I spin around and there, standing right in the doorway, is none other than Pillow-Mint Butler; the Secretary-General of the Grand Council of Ooo Royalty. What the heck is he doing here?

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"Terribly sorry about this, Your Majesty." Pill-But replies, using his trademark ambassadorial tone. "Normally I would've called ahead, but under the circumstances I believe time is of the essence."

"Circumstances? What circumstances? What are you talking about?"

"Last night, the GCOR held an emergency meeting."

"And _why_ wasn't I told about this?"

"Because the meeting was about you."

" _What?_ "

"Your Majesty, there's… no easy way to say this. So I'm afraid I'll have to be brutally honest with you." He says to me; still trying to sound like a diplomat. "Your behavior over the last few years, no, the last _decade_ , has been completely unacceptable, and the Council is tired of it."

"Well you can just tell the Council that considering everything I've been through over the last few years, I'd say my behavior's been pretty dang exemplary!"

"I'm afraid the Council doesn't see it that way." Pill-But replies as he pulls out a small stack of papers from his side pocket. "Firstly, there's the incident you started in Wizard City."

"That wasn't my fault!"

"Eyewitnesses say different. And they also say that the whole thing could have been avoided if you'd simply apologized."

"Those Wizards started it!"

"From what I've heard, you were the one who started it with your cultural insensitivity!" Pill-But shoots back; his words finally starting to carry a little edge. "Which brings me to the next infraction on this list, the incident in the Fire Kingdom. From what I understand, you put millions of lives at risk just so you could destroy sacred, irreplaceable artifacts."

"Weapons! The Fire Giants were weapons!"

"Weapons that were sacred to the people of the Fire Kingdom."

"Well what did you expect me to do? Just leave dangerous weapons in the hands of someone as unstable as Flame Princess!"

"I expected you to go through the proper channels. Not to just go all lone wolf whenever you please and start interfering with the affairs of other Kingdoms." He replies, his every word like a knife through my flesh. "And for the record, Your Majesty, when it comes to calling someone unstable, you don't exactly have the high ground. Or have you forgotten about the hostage crisis you nearly bungled. Or the Zombie Plague you unleashed. Or the scene you caused at Tree Trunks' wedding. Or the other Zombie Plague you unleashed. Or your unsanctioned expeditions into the Badlands. Or the Zombie Plague _caused_ by your unsanctioned expeditions. Or the…"

"Alight! I get it!" I shout in exasperation. But seriously, can you blame me? Where does this guy get off calling me unstable? You can make anyone sound bad if you list _all_ of their mistakes back to back. I could do it to him if I wanted to. I just don't feel like it. "Just tell me what sanctions you wanna put on me and get out! I have a comet to study."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Your Majesty." Pillow-Mint Butler says to me; his calm yet cutting tone never skipping a beat. "Last night's meeting wasn't about imposing sanctions. It was about conducting a vote of no confidence."

And… just like that I feel my heart stop.

"B-Bu-Bu-But that means…. No! No, you can't do that!"

"According to the GCOR Charter, which _you_ helped write, I can. And I already have." He tells me as I start to sweat a little. "By an almost unanimous decision, the Council has deemed you unfit to rule this Kingdom or any other. So I have no choice but to strip you of your tittle, rank, and authority."

I feel sick.

My head is spinning.

I think I'm gonna faint.

NO!

No… I'm not licked just yet.

I still have options.

I can still fix this.

"I-I'm gonna fight this! The Charter says I have the right to dispute the charges." I say, almost tauntingly, as I turn my gaze toward my faithful manservant. "Peps, head down to the treasury and start putting together a war chest. Then when you're done, call Taffy Attorney and tell him to…"

"My Lady," he interrupts me, sounding so… totally defeated. "It's already too late."

"What?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you earlier. The wheels are already in motion. The paperwork's all been signed. And the new Royal Couple has already arrived to assume the throne."

And… just like that my knees begin to shake.

"No… No, No, No, No, No… This can't be happening… This _cannot_ be happening…"

"I'm afraid it can, Your Highness." Pillow-Mint Butler replies; at least trying to sound gentile. "Although, I suppose that tittle no longer applies. Since legally you haven't been a Princess for over… four hours."

Oh… My… Glob!

This is like a nightmare.

No, it's worse than a nightmare.

Cuz it's really happening.

Oh my Glob!

Oh… My… **_Glob!_**

"Wait a minute…" I say as I just now realize something I hadn't before. "Royal Couple? What Royal Couple?"

" _This_ Royal Couple." Says an all too familiar voice from the room's other doorway.

Oh Glob… Not _her_! Anybody but **_her_**!

I turn my head towards the source of the voice and, much to my horror, I see that it is indeed **_her_**.

"Flame Princess!" I blurt out stupidly.

This seems to amuse the younger elemental, as she shoots me a smug, almost malicious sort of smirk.

"That's Flame _Queen_ to you, _Peasant_ Bubblegum."

To Be Concluded in Part 4…

End Notes:

Just to be clear, Nikki is the shorthaired Water Nymph.

Anyway, I hope you liked this one and I look forward to seeing you all in the next one.

Peace.


	7. Chapter 7: Sugarless Gum: Part 4

Here it is folks, the final part of the Sugarless Gum Saga. I hope you're ready for the exciting conclusion. Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 7: Sugarless Gum: Part 4.

I am sitting on the floor of my Great-Uncle Gumbald's Cabin.

My New Kingdom.

It has been approximately one hundred and sixty-eight hours since the GCOR stripped me of my station and sent me into permanent exile, and so far, my new life has been truly awful.

On my first day here, I decided to try and make the best of things. To that end, I got out my trusty pen and notepad, and started making a list of everything I need to do to make this place presentable. By the time I got to page twenty-seven my emotions finally got the best of me and I cried myself to sleep.

On day two, I discovered what was making that horrible smell. It seems that I left a carton of milk out the last time I was here. Evidently if you leave milk out for twelve years it turns rancid and then explodes. I went out to buy cleaning products, only to discover that I have almost no money left. So instead I bought a scented candle. Now my cabin smells like the world's worst smelling bordello.

On day three, I managed to get the roof repaired. It literally took me all day, but I did it. My Glob, I felt so amazing. For one brief and shining moment I felt like I could do anything. Then I turned just slightly to the left and caught a glimpse of the Candy Kingdom. I cried myself to sleep again that night.

On day four, I began to wonder just how things could've gotten so bad. So on day five, I forced myself into a deep meditative trance which allowed me to relive all of the defining moments of my life; starting from when I first emerged from the Mother Gum with my brother Neddy.

It was an intense experience, so much so that I had to take several breaks throughout the session just to keep myself from crumbling under the emotional strain. But it was well worth it. For now, I have absolute clarity. Now I am certain that what I've suspected all along is true.

My life is nothing but one big joke.

I mean think about it.

I was born from the Mother Gum, an entity composed of a substance designed specifically to be thrown away and forgotten, and yet I endeavored to leave my mark on this brave new world.

So I worked for years, centuries even, to make my dream a reality.

I built a kingdom from nothing.

I created an entirely new race out of sugar.

And working together, we turned my kingdom into the most powerful nation in all of Ooo.

And what's my reward for all that hard work?

To be booted out of my own kingdom.

To be branded a menace by an institution I helped create.

To be forced to sit here and wallow in self-pity while that traitor Cinnamon Bun and his teen bride play footsie in _my_ palace.

And don't even get me _started_ on my love life.

Oh yes… I am indeed the universe's favorite chew toy.

Anyway, my memories finally caught up with the present a few minutes ago and it would seem that while I was strolling down memory lane, a certain _someone_ decided to stroll right into my cabin.

"Hello Bonnie." The intruder says to me; clearly trying to sound polite.

"Hello, Your _Majesty_." I reply mockingly. "If you've come to dance on my grave, I'm afraid you're a little early. But please, feel free to come back next week."

"That's not gonna work, Bonnie. Not this time." The Vampire Queen says sternly. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine." I say listlessly. "Do whatever you want."

"Thank you." She replies politely. "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

"Whatever." I answer hollowly, as she calmly takes her place beside me.

"So… I guess you already know why I'm here, huh?"

"Yeah, and like I told you last week, I don't need your charity."

"Well, you don't exactly have a lot of other options, Bonnie." The Vampire Queen replies, her tone as annoyingly imperious as ever. "Face it, you need a job. And thanks to BP's smear campaign, I'm the only one who'll hire you."

"So what? I should just swallow what's left of my dignity and spend the rest of my life as your Slave Girl?"

"Assistant, Bonnie. You'd be my assistant. And it's not like I'd make you do anything humiliating; just organize my schedule and run a few errands for me."

"Oh… I see. So basically, you want to turn me into the Vampire Kingdom's Cinnamon Bun. Well, thanks but no thanks, Your Majesty!"

"Ugh! What is wrong with you?" she says in exasperation. "I'm offering you a paying job and a new home. Why won't you just except it?"

"Because I don't need a job and I already have a home!"

"You mean this crappy shack? Newsflash Bonnie! Your so-called home is on the outskirts of the Candy Kingdom. As in the place you're no longer welcome. And when Flame Queen figures out that you're here, she's gonna be pissed."

"I don't care! My Uncle built this cabin with his own two hands! I grew up here! I'm not just going to abandon it!" I shout at her defiantly. "And besides, no one ever comes to this part of the Kingdom. Few people even know it exists. I could spend the rest of my life here and Queen Flame-Butt would probably never notice."

"Yeah… I hate to break it to you, but not only does Phoebe know about this place, she plans on turning this whole area into a Fire Wolf Sanctuary as soon as she's done restructuring your old government. And what do you think she'll do if she finds you squatting here?"

"Just let her try to kick me out."

"Kick you out? Bonnie, she'll be within her rights to kill you!"

"Then I'll die defending this shack!"

"Do you have any idea how crazy you sound? You're talking about throwing your life away."

"It's my life! I can do what I want with it!"

 ** _SLAP!_**

I feel a sudden sharp pain run through my right cheek, as my head is forcibly turned to the left.

I have just been slapped.

And quite hard too.

I turn my head back to look at my assailant and… Oh Glob!

Suddenly my mind and body feel totally paralyzed.

"Listen very carefully." Marceline says to me, her voice calm yet overwhelmingly terrifying. "I am now your Queen. You will not speak or move unless I give you leave. Nod once if you understand."

I nod once.

Oh my Glob! This is bad! This is very, very, **very** bad!

She's using the Queen's Eye technique.

Now I'm completely under her control.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe she would do this to me!

The last time she used this technique it was on that sleaze ball Ash, and now he's splitting a rubber room with the King of Ooo.

"Good. Now shut up and listen." She says commandingly. "You know damn well how much I hate this power, and how much it sickens me whenever I use it. So the fact that I'm using it right now just so I can talk to you, should tell you how serious this is."

Even if I could argue I wouldn't.

She makes a _very_ convincing case.

"Bonnie, do you know what the worst thing about you is? It's the fact that you never stop to think about how your actions effect other people; especially the ones who love you. Now you may have lost your Kingdom, but you still have people who care about you. Do you know how awful they'd feel if they heard you'd been torched by a bunch of Flame Guards? Do you have _any_ idea what that would do to Finn, or Jake, or Lady, or _Me_!"

What?

"Yeah, that's right! You heard me! In spite of everything, there's still a part of me that cares for you! And that's why I can't just leave you to die in this squalor! So please, for once in your life, let go of your stupid pride and move in with me!"

Suddenly, my heart begins to race.

All rational thought has ceased.

"Oh… right, you can speak freely now."

The invisible vice constricting my mouth suddenly dissipates.

"You… you mean you… you still lo…"

"Yes." She answers bluntly. "But don't read too much into it. I'm married now. And I intend to stay that way for the rest of eternity. So don't get any ideas."

"No, it's not that. I just…" I pause for a moment, considering my next words carefully. "I just needed to know. That's all."

"Oh… well… now you do." She replies, before turning her gaze away from me. "So… are you gonna accept the job or not?"

"I… I'm not sure." I reply sullenly, still unable to move. "I mean; I know I can never go back to the Candy Kingdom. And I know I can't stay here. It's just…. If I leave this place, if I become your assistant… it'll be like admitting defeat. Admitting that… it's over."

Suddenly I feel something very warm and familiar wrap around me.

Marceline is hugging me.

OH. MY. GLOB!

"Bonnie… it is over." She says, suddenly sounding much warmer and more sympathetic. "But that's just the way the world is. It's always changing. But that's not always bad. I mean, when I first met Finn and Jake, they were just a couple of goofballs looking for adventure. Now Jake has five kids, and Finn's almost a man. And from what Pakhet's been telling me, things are getting pretty dang serious between them."

"What's your point?"

"My _point_ is that if those two goofs can find happiness after all they've been through, then so can you." She says, in a way that kinda makes me want to cry. "And besides, you won't have to go through this alone. Like I said, you've got me, and Lady, and Finn, and Jake. Heck, even Nikki wants to help you."

"She does?" I ask dubiously.  
"Yup." Marceline replies, her tone suddenly turning mischievous. "In fact, she wants to have a little word with you as soon as we get back to the Palace. In private~"

XXX

I am standing in a large room in the Vampire Kingdom Royal Palace.

My new home for the foreseeable future.

The air around me is thick with exotic perfumes and sitar music.

Before me, sitting atop a massive mound of ornate throw pillows, is Nikki, the Vampire Princess; dressed, as always, like an exotic belly dancer.

I must admit, I'm rather nervous.

I've never actually spoken to her before, so I have no idea what to expect.

Oh well, nothing ventured and all that junk.

"Um… Your Majesty… I… AAAK!"

Suddenly she's standing right in front of me.

Her left hand is squeezing my throat like a vice.

She's a lot faster and stronger than I expected.

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised, she's got Marcy's venom pumping through her after all.

"So… You're the naughty little girl who broke my Poopsie's heart." She says to me as she tightens her grip on my windpipe. "You know, if I were ten thousand years younger, I'd fill your lungs with sea water until they burst."

Oh good, she's a lot crazier than I expected too.

Fan-Freaking-Tastic.

"Fortunately for you, I'm not, so I won't." she says, before releasing her grip and dropping me on the floor like a sack of potatoes. "Let's get one thing straight, I don't like you. But your happiness is important to my Marcy Poo, so that means it's important to me. And that's the only reason I'm giving you this offer."

"Yes… I understand… and I'm very grateful to have this job."

"I'm not talking about the assistant job." She interrupts me, before sitting back down on her throne of plush. "That's yours no matter what. I'm talking about _this_. This moment. And my onetime offer to help fix what's wrong with you."

"I… I don't understand."

"It's like this, as Princess, my main job is to help my Shnookums relax after a long day of ruling the Kingdom. And depending on the day, that can mean anything from cuddling and foot rubs to… well, _other_ activities."

"Okay… but what does that have to do with me?"

"It's simple. For one day only, my dear sweet Honey Poo, has given me permission to offer those _special_ services to you."

Realization suddenly dawns on me, and my face begins to heat up like a furnace.

"I… I… I see. And… how exactly will _that_ fix what's wrong with me?"

"The way I see it, your biggest problem is that you've got over eight hundred years' worth of emotional gunk messing up your brain. And if there's one thing I know how to do, it's getting little Repressy Bessies to open up."

"And… that will help me?"

"Well… it won't fix everything, but at the very least, a few hours of fun will help you forget about the lousy week you've been having."

"I… I see."

"Good. So what's it gonna be? Like I said, this is a onetime only offer."

"I… I suppose I could give it a shot." I reply, not believing that those words just came out of my mouth.

"Good girl~" she purrs sensually, as her eyes beckon me forward. "Now come on over here, Bubbles. And let's see if I can make you _pop_."

Mesmerized, I take several steps toward the azure goddess, only to stop less than a foot away from her.

"Wait, are you sure this is gonna work?"

"Marcy cried for twenty minutes after her first night with me."

Oh… Oh my word.

This could be very intense.

I'm not sure I have the stamina for this sort of thing.

No! That's just my nerves talking.

But that's understandable. It has been quite a while after all.

I can do this.

I just have to remember, I use to do this all the time with Marceline.

I mean, how different could it be, right?

"By the way, which do you prefer, tickling or spanking?"

 _Eeep_.

End Notes:

Well that's the end of this arc. Don't know what I'm gonna write next. Most likely something involving either Finn or Jake. Oh well, see you in the next chapter. Peace.


	8. Chapter 8: The Court of Queens

Hello everybody, and welcome to the next chapter of "Tales of the Vampire Kingdom". I know some of you have been waiting a long time for this, and I apologize. But I intend to make it up to you. How, you ask? Just wait until the end and you'll see. Adventure Time is owned Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 8: The Court of Queens.

Deep within the bright pink walls of the Vampire Kingdom Royal Palace, there exists a room that only a chosen few have ever seen.

It was small, roughly the size of a large walk-in closet, with no windows or any other distinctive features save for the one door that leads in.

Admittedly, not the most attractive or inviting room to be found within the palatial estate, but to one seeking to escape from all the noise and chaos of the outside world, it was Heaven of Earth.

Which is why, on this exact day, at this exact time, Her Royal Highness, Queen Marceline Saccharine, Mother and Supreme Ruler of all Vampires, was in this isolated little oasis.

She needed some time alone with herself.

"Breathe in…"

Inhale.

"Breathe out…"

Exhale.

"Breathe in…"

Inhale.

"Breathe out…"

Exhale.

A simple mantra for a simple exercise.

However, the end results were anything but.

For you see, Her Highness was not engaging in your run-of-the-mill sort of meditation.

On the contrary, what she was doing was unlike anything else in the whole, wide, weird, world.

"Breathe in…"

 ** _RIP_**

"Breathe out…"

 ** _RIP_**

"Breathe in…"

 ** _RIP_**

"Breathe out…"

 ** _RIP_**

"Breathe in…"

 ** _RIP_**

"Breathe out!"

Suddenly, the Queen's eyes snapped open, and immediately she could tell that something was different.

Firstly, she was no longer sitting in her private Isolation Chamber, but rather floating through what appeared to be an infinite black void.

Secondly, she was no longer dressed in her usual attire; the Queenly garb for which she was famous. Instead, she wore a simple grey top with matching sweatpants. Additionally, her normally short and well-groomed hair was now long, wild, and unkempt. In short, she did not look like her usual self.

Lastly, and most importantly, she was no longer alone. Where there had once been thin air now stood, or rather floated, five other vampires.

Five other Marcelines.

The first was dressed in a frilly, purple, party dress; the kind of thing you'd expect a small child to wear. Like the Queen, her hair was much longer than normal, but instead of flowing wildly, hers was neatly braided into a set of adorable pigtails, held in place by an equally adorable pair of purple bows. Judging by the goofy looking grin on her face, she was very excited to be here.

The second Marceline looked much more regal than the first; perhaps even more so than the Queen herself. For in addition to Her Majesty's normal garb and hairstyle, this one was adorned with all manner of rings and other forms of ornate jewelry. In a stark contrast to the first, this Marceline seemed bored and disinterested with her surroundings, and she wore an expression that could only be described as _snobbish_.

Beside her stood a third Marceline; this one dressed in flowing white robes, with a headdress similar to that of a pope. Much like the second, this one did not look happy to be here. In fact, she seemed downright disapproving of the whole thing; constantly shooting the others chastising looks.

The fourth Marceline looked much like the first, except she wore a black Lolita dress and instead of bows, her pigtails were held in place by tiny skulls with little bat wings. At first glance, her demeanor seemed aloof and emotionless, but there was something hidden behind her blank exterior; something much, much darker.

Next to her stood the final Marceline; this one dressed in a jet-black power suit with a crimson necktie. Like most of the others, her hair was longer than normal; only hers was groomed into a sleek and stylish ponytail, held in place by a single red scrunchy. Out of all the Marcelines, her expression was the most difficult to read. Her face was so stoic and reserved, and her eyes were so calm and steady. Absolutely everything about her screamed the phrase 'I'm all business'.

For what felt like minutes, the six of them just floated there in silence; each one sizing up the others in one way or another. Fortunately, this silence was soon broken by the Original Marceline.

"So…" said Marcy-Prime; attempting to sound calm and cool despite her intense unease. "I suppose you all know why we're here."

"Ugh, of course we do, idiot. We're all the same person. Remember?" replied Snob-Marcy haughtily.

"Hey, there's no need to be rude. She was only trying to break the ice." Said Pope-Marcy; shooting Snob yet another disapproving glare.

"Ooo~ Did someone say ice-cream? I _love_ ice-cream! Can I have some? Where is it?" said Party-Dress-Marcy excitedly as she started jumping up and down like a giddy schoolgirl.

"No one's talking to you, **_Vermin_**." Goth-Marcy said threateningly.

"All of you, quiet!" Business-Marcy said sternly; though her tone remained as cool and calm as ever. "Now then, you were saying, dear?"

"Uh… right, thanks." Prime replied awkwardly, before steeling herself for the matter at hand. "Anyway, I'm sure we're all conflicted about Breakfast Princess'… eh… _proposal_ , but…"

"I'm not." Snob rudely interrupted. "I think it's a wonderful idea."

"As do I." said Business.

"Me too." said Goth.

"Me three~" sang Party Dress.

"And I as well." said Pope. "Although, I want it on record that while I do support this plan politically, I am deeply opposed to it morally."

"No one cares what you think." replied Goth.

"Yeah… what else is new." grumbled Pope.

"Are you guys insane!" Prime shouted indignantly. "Breakfast Princess just asked me to marry her; in a _letter_! How can any of you possibly be okay with that?"

"Simple." replied Business bluntly. "A union like this will open the door for a trade agreement between our two kingdoms; one that will benefit _all_ of our subjects."

"And, with a member of their Royal Family as our bride, the Breakfast Kingdom will be obliged to help us, should we ever find ourselves in need." Said Pope matter-of-factly "It never hurts to have someone watching your back."

"Not to mention, Breakfast Princess has already promised us a rather _amble_ dowry." Snob added; pausing briefly to wipe away a bit of drool. "Four hundred gallons of her Kingdom's finest Strawberry Syrup."

"Which we will divide evenly amongst our subjects." Business cut in sharply.

"Oh, yes, of course." Snob replied awkwardly; clearly backpedaling. "Anyway, with all these benefits, I can't think of a single reason not to go through with it."

"Um, how about the fact that I _already have a_ _ **wife**_!" Prime shouted at her supercilious other self; attempting to sound as chastising as possible.

"So what?" replied Snob callously. "One is good, two is better."

"Yeah~" squealed Party Dress. "Twice the brides, means twice the smooches~"

"Not to mention _other_ things~" purred Snob lustfully.

"You're both nuts!" Prime cut in sharply. "I already have one wife, _who I_ _ **love**_ , I can't just go out and get a new one, that's… like… _illegal_!"

"Only by the laws of the Twenty-First Century." Business corrected her casually. "In today's society, there is no law, in any Kingdom, including ours, that forbids a person from taking more than one wife."

"Plus, in ancient times, it was traditional for Vampire Lords to keep a harem of no less than three brides." Pope chimed in, suddenly sounding more like a scholar. "And I know no one cares, but I'd feel better if we kept at least _one_ of the old traditions alive in the modern era."

"You're right, I _don't_ care what you think, because this whole thing is insane!" Prime said harshly. "There's no way Nikki will ever be okay with this!"

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that." Snob chimed in suddenly. "As I recall, Nikki and Breakfast Princess have always gotten along swimmingly. Remember how much fun they had together at our last slumber party?"

"Yes, I remember." Prime admitted reluctantly.

"Besides, this marriage is strictly political, Nikki knows she'll always be our one and only. And once she understands that it's for the greater good of our kingdom, I'm sure she'll be willing to share us." Said Party Dress, much to everyone's mutual shock. "What? I'm not allowed to make a smart observation every now and then?"

"Yes… well, at any rate, you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is." Said Business; in a clear attempt to regain control of the conversation. "Breakfast Princess is a perfectly lovely girl. She's beautiful, intelligent, well versed in affairs of state; the ideal mate for someone in our position."

" _Perfectly Lovely!_ Are you out of your mind! BP is the biggest snob in Ooo! She's a spoiled, selfish, egomaniacal brat!"

"You say that like it's a bad thang." Snob replied teasingly.

"Besides, don't any of you think it's weird that BP would just suddenly ask us to marry her?" Prime continued; ignoring Snob completely. "I mean, she's gotta be up to something."

"The only thing she's up to is trying to fulfill her wildest fantasy." Answered Business.

"Yeah! She loves us. Everybody knows that." Party Dress chimed in.

"Indeed~ The poor dear's been positively smitten with us ever since she attended out first slumber party all those years ago." Snob purred amusedly. "Surely you've noticed, Darling. How she's always so desperate for our attention. How she's always blushing whenever we're around. How she carries that photo of us in her purse and kisses it when she thinks no one's looking. It's adorable~"

"It's creepy." Prime countered sharply. "And what if there's more to this than just some schoolgirl crush? What if… what if BP's working some kind of power play?"

"Okay, now you're just talking crazy." Said Pope beratingly. "Breakfast Princess already explained everything in her letter. She's fully prepared to turn the Breakfast Kingdom over to her younger sister, so that she may fully dedicate herself to being the new Vampire Princess."

"Yeah, but…"

"And, as you already know, as the Second Vampire Princess, she'll have to split what little authority she has with Nikki. If anything, she seems to be working an anti-power play." Pope continued; her tone more chastising than before. "So really, the worst she'll be able to do is order new furniture without our permission, or… force Bonnie to give her a foot massage."

At the mention of her former lover's name, Prime felt an uncomfortable twinge in her chest.

"Ah~ but that's the real issue, isn't it?" Said Business, apparently sensing her discomfort. "You're worried Bonnie will think less of you if you go through with this."

" _What_? That's just cra… where do you even… I don't…" Prime stammered awkwardly, but when it became clear she wasn't convincing anyone, especially herself, she let out a sigh of defeat. "Okay fine, but can you blame me? BP's part of the reason Bonnie lost her kingdom. She called for the Vote of No Confidence, she nominated Flame Queen to be her replacement, and she started that nasty smear campaign that turned all the other kingdoms against her. If I agree to marry her after all that, it'd be like stabbing Bonnie in the back."

"Good." Goth spoke up suddenly; her voiced dripping with spite and resentment. "Bubblegum deserves to suffer for what she did to us. She deserves to suffer _forever_."

"That's crazy!" Prime shot back defensively. "I got over all that junk years ago. I _forgave_ Bonnie. I'm over it."

" _You_ forgave her. I _never_ forgive." Goth replied demonically. "I say we tie the little slut to a chair, and force her to watch us make love to our new bride. Then, when she's finally gone mad with jealousy, we slit her wrists and bleed her like the pig she is!"

An uncomfortable silence fell over the void.

"Eh… moving on." Snob chimed in; sounding more than a little disturbed. "Bonnibel is no longer royalty, she's a servant. And what's more, she's not technically a citizen of our Kingdom. She's not even a vampire. At best, she's a houseguest desperate to earn her keep. And as such, her opinion means very little to us."

"Okay, now _you're_ talking crazy!" Prime shot back venomously. "What kind of spoiled, elitist snob thinks like that?"

" _You_ do." Snob answered bluntly. "We're all the same person, remember? Everything _we've_ said has already crossed _your_ mind. This stupid ritual may have split us up for the moment but make no mistake, we are all one and the same. So, if I think of Bonnibel as nothing more than a servant, then that means you do too."

"No! That's not true! I don't… I mean I… I…"

"I'm afraid it is." Business cut in hollowly. "You know as well as I, that when we were one, we had already made up our mind to marry Breakfast Princess, but still there was one lingering trace of doubt. So you performed the Ritual of Separation, in the hopes that one of us would give you a better excuse not to go through with it. But alas, you have failed. Soon the ritual will end, and our mind will be made up once more."

"But… I don't love her."

"I realize that. And in truth none of us do. But the benefits far outweigh any minor inconveniences a second spouse might cause us." Business continued, her stern face never shifting an inch. "For what it's worth, I regret this decision almost as much as you do. But we are a Queen. And as such we do not always have the luxury of acting selfishly. Our people come first. Even before our own happiness."

"I… I really have no choice, do I?"

"No."

 ** _FOOOOM!_**

And just like that, all was as it should be.

The Queen was back in her private chamber; her mind once again in one piece.

So, with a weary sigh, she closed her eyes and said to herself.

"I know what I have to do."

End Notes:

Well folks, here's that special surprise I promised you. What is it, you ask? Well… while I've been focusing on my WoY series, I've also been taking notes on all the ideas I've come up with for this delightful AU I've created. And since I made you wait so long, and since I'm sick of trying to find a way to reveal certain things organically, I've decided to share some of my notes with you. Nothing too shocking or spoilery, just some stuff I thought you might find interesting. Enjoy.

 _1) Pakhet, formerly known as Huntress Wizard, was first 'initiated' into the Vampire Kingdom approximately one year before the events of_ Slumber Party Panic _. She was hired by Ash to assassinate Marceline, but his plan backfired when the Queen accidentally bit her would be killer during a struggle; leading to a final confrontation that ended with Ash having his mind shattered by Marcy's Queen's Eye technique. Since then, Pakhet has been a loyal and obedient servant to her new mistress, and even served as her bodyguard for a time. When she first met Finn, Pakhet initially wrote him off as a thrill-seeking doofus, but after he lost his arm and fell into a deep depression, she took pity on him and took him on a hunting trip to help restore his warrior's spirit. The exact events of this trip are a mystery to the general public, but when Finn returned from the wilderness, he did so with a new arm and a new girlfriend. Finn doesn't know this, but Pakhet often fanaticizes about the two of them living together in the forest for all eternity; living off the land as nature intended._

 _2) It should come as no surprise to you that Marceline's relationship with her Father is far from ideal in this reality; which is why she chooses to go by her Mother's last name instead of his. In fact, she has not seen, spoken to, or even thought about the Dark Lord of the Nighosphere in over nine hundred years; as far as she is concerned, Simon Petrikov is her one and only father. Sometime after gaining some notoriety within the inner circle of Ooo Royalty, Marceline made it a point to mention that the Ice King is her real father; an act that has saved the mad old man from many unnecessary beatings. He has been made aware of this on multiple occasions, but his diseased mind causes him to forget it after a while, so for the most part he just sees Marcy as his very best friend in the world._

 _3) Following PB's banishment, the Candy Kingdom became an official satellite state of the Fire Kingdom; essentially placing both Kingdoms under Flame Queen's complete control. For the time being, FQ and her husband Prince-Regent Cinnamon Bun have taken up residency in the Candy Kingdom Royal Palace while she is busy restructuring the local government, economy, military, etc. to better suit her needs. While she's away, the Fire Kingdom is under the stewardship of the Cult of Vulcan, a small cabal created by Flame Queen that is loyal only to her; it's membership consists of Incendo the Hermit, Combuster the Chariot, and Leroy the Magician. Despite being a fair and just ruler, there are still many citizens within the Candy Kingdom who resent Flame Queen for ousting their beloved Princess; several of whom have banded together to form a small, unorganized, ill-equipped, but still rather annoying underground resistance movement to try and restore PB to the throne. Because of this and several other problems, FQ has taken to stress eating, which has caused her to take on a much more… plump appearance in recent months; much to PB's amusement and CB's delight._

 _4) It is worth noting that in this timeline, Orgalorg never stole PB's rocket, so the Catalyst Comet collided with Ooo right on schedule. Sometime around midafternoon on the day of PB's humiliating removal from power, the Comet crashed somewhere deep within the Badlands, where it's cosmic energies merged with a common rattlesnake; transforming it into a giant, purple, serpent-creature, who would later become known as Plutus the Prince of Greed. Sometime after his birth, Plutus used his strange powers to create a pristine oasis in the Badlands that he later used as bait for every thief, lowlife, and scumbag hiding out there. Over time, he and his new followers created a new nation in the Badlands, the Vice Kingdom; a thriving Mecca for gamblers, crooks, killers, and creeps. So far, Plutus appears to have no goal other than providing the undesirables of Ooo a safe place where they can indulge in their baser impulses, but Marceline and many other Royals are keeping a close eye on him just in case._

 _5) All Vampires pass on their condition by releasing a special type of venom into a victim's bloodstream via their fangs. However, the venom of a King or Queen tends to be much more potent than that of a normal vampire, so their creations are often more powerful. Of course, since Marceline is also half demon, her venom tends to give her creations certain unexpected abilities. For example:_

 _Sobek the River Guardian: Hydrokinesis._

 _Khnum the Spy Master: Enhanced Shapeshifting._

 _Thoth the Grand Librarian: Precognition._

 _Anubis the Sword Master: Super Speed._

 _Serket the Grand Apothecary: Ferrokinesis._

 _Set the Trickster King: Enhanced Shadowcery._

 _Osiris the Gambler King: Soul Sucking._

 _Horus the Palace Guardian: Cryokinesis._

 _Atum the Game Master: Soul Vision (aka Lie Detector Vision)_

 _Shu the Void Caster: Spatial Manipulation._

 _6) In total, Marceline will take three Brides. The first is Nikki, the Water Nymph. The second is Barbie, formerly Breakfast Princess. The third is Georgette, formerly Jungle Princess. She marries each of them for different reasons, but over the years she learns to love them all; a good thing since she's stuck with them for all eternity._


	9. Chapter 9: A Poodle's Lament

Hello, and welcome to the next installment of my exciting anthology 'Tales of the Vampire Kingdom'. In today's thrilling chapter, we will explore the relationship between Finn and Pakhet; formerly known as Huntress Wizard. This is something I've been wanting to do for a while now, so I hope you all like it. Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 9: A Poodle's Lament.

It was a beautiful night in the Forest of Trees.

The stars were shining.

The crickets were chirping.

And there was a warm whiff of clover in the air that was most refreshing.

Especially to those who were suffering from an ailment commonly known as Adventure Overload.

It had been a rough month for Ooo's Greatest Hero, Finn the Human. Almost every day seemed to yield some new epic quest or life-or-death-situation that needed his and Jake's immediate and undivided attention.

First there was that incident in Wizard City. The now rogue Peppermint Butler had joined forces with several other dark magic users to summon an eldritch horror to the material plane via virgin sacrifice. It took two days just to sneak through the front gate, and some-crazy-how, Pep-But still managed to give them the slip.

Shortly after that, our heroes were called to the Ice Kingdom to assist the Ice King in quelling a penguin uprising. Seems Gunther had gotten too big for his britches, again, and attempted to seize power for himself by stealing his master's crown. And in a spectacular anticlimax, this epic power struggle ended with the little usurper being sentenced to one hour in the 'Naughty Box'.

And after that tall drink of annoyance, they were then called to Castle Lemongrab to try and prevent the Earls from declaring war on the newly founded Vice Kingdom. Honestly, half of Finn wanted to just sit back and let those gross, deformed, jerkwads get annihilated by an army of gangsters and hoods. Unfortunately, his more noble side won out, and after three days of screaming, a peace settlement was reached.

Not two minutes after returning home, Flame Queen commissioned them to retrieve a sacred Fire Kingdom relic from a ruthless band of Gnome Marauders; the Platinum Pimp Cup of King Vulcan. Finn wanted to decline, since no one was in any danger, but his history with FQ made saying 'no' much too difficult. Plus, he kinda felt sorry for her, what with her recent weight gain and all.

Sometime after that, Marceline asked them to act as substitute Palace Guardians while Horus was getting over the flu. This was light work compared to their previous assignments, since only an idiot would attack the Vampire Kingdom. But it was work nonetheless.

Then of course there was the missing persons case in the Candy Kingdom, the flood in the Box Kingdom, the Why-Wolf invasion in the Wildberry Kingdom, not to mention a sharp rise in random dragon attacks.

To put it simply, Finn needed a break.

Oh sure, adventure was fun. Heck, it was what he lived for. But too much of anything is too much of a good thing. So when a lull in this crazy quest stream finally appeared, the young man-cub pounced on it like a starving panther.

Which brings us back to the serine scene I mentioned earlier.

It was sometime in the very early hours of the morning, never mind exactly when since Finn never bothered to carry a watch, and our young hero was in seventh heaven.

There he was, a million miles from everything. No monsters to slay. No princesses to rescue. No ancient tombs to crawl through for loot. Nothing but the sounds of the forest, the warm glow of the campfire, and the company of a beautiful young woman.

And yet, things were not quite as wonderful as they could be. Sure, they'd had a great hunt the previous day. Sure, the wild venison had been prepared to perfection; thanks to all the cooking lessons he'd taken from Jake. Sure, he was currently serenading his beloved dryad on his favorite flute; a memento from their first date. But something still didn't feel right.

It was almost as if something were off… or perhaps _someone._

 ** _WHAM!_**

That's when it hit him.

Pakhet!

His sweet, sweet, Forest Princess was not her usually pleasant, yet prickly self.

How had he not seen it sooner?

All day, she'd been so aloof; so… distant.

Why hadn't he noticed it before? Had his senses been _that_ dulled from Adventure Overload? Oh well, no point in focusing on the past. Better to just move on and try to improve the present.

"Um… Pakhet, are you okay?" the young hero asked as he set his ivory flute on the ground beside him.

"Yeah… I'm fine." She replied unconvincingly; adding to Finn's concerns.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah… I'm fine." She repeated dully.

But Finn was still not convinced. He knew in his gut that something was wrong. So, he decided to try and trick her into opening up.

"Are you _absolutely_ sure, my Dainty Little Buttercup?"

"Yeah… I'm fine."

"No you're not!" the young hero said accusingly. "I just called you a 'Dainty Little Buttercup' and you didn't even threaten to kill me!"

"Oh… sorry."

"Well, I don't know if you should be _sorry_ , but you should at least tell me what's eating you."

"It's… it's really complicated. You wouldn't understand."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Finn admitted. "But talking about it still might make you feel better."

Pakhet sat in silence for a few moments; her expression changing at least a dozen times as she mulled over her options.

"Fine." She said finally; her tone reminiscent to that of a captured soldier. "I was in Wizard City last week. Just doing a little shopping, you know. When out of nowhere, I crossed paths with Laser Wizard."

Finn scowled at the thought of this particular magic user. Out of all the wizards he'd encountered on his journeys, LW was by far his least favorite; for a long list of reasons.

"Naturally, I tried to pretend I didn't see him, but he wasn't fooled." Pakhet continued as her tone became steadily more listless. "The second we made eye contact, he started hurling the insults. ' _Look guys, there goes Vampire Queen's favorite little Lapdog. The Queen's obedient little Butt-Kisser. Marcy's precious widdle Poodle.'"_

"Let me guess, then you went full ape-o on that creep and now you feel bad because you lost your temper."

"Actually… it's kinda the opposite." The vampire dryad confessed miserably. "I was in complete control of my emotions. I didn't draw my arrows. I didn't raise a fuss. I didn't even acknowledge him. I just kept on walking."

"Oh…well, that's good."

"No it's not!" Pakhet snapped at him viciously, before quickly readopting her more meek and submissive demeanor. "I… I'm sorry, I just… I'm dealing with a lot of complicated junk right now."

"Yeah, I think I understand." Finn said sympathetically. "Teasing can be rough. Especially for people like us. We've got so much pride as warriors that any little thing can…"

"No, you're not getting it." She cut him off abruptly. "I'm not upset because he was teasing me. I'm upset because… because he's right. I am just the Queen's little Poodle."

" _What_? That's just crazy talk."

"Is it? I mean, think about it. I used to live out here in the wilderness; tracking game and communing with nature. Now I live in a palace; running errands for Her Majesty and stuffing myself with licorice."

"So you have new priorities; big deal. That doesn't make you any less of a warrior."

"Yes it does! Finn, I wanted to shove an arrow through Laser Wizard's eye just for looking at me. But all I could think about was how much that would embarrass the Queen. And there was this little voice in my head the whole time going, ' _Be good. Be sweet. Be nice. Your Queen commands it.'_ UGH! It's like I'm brainwashed or something!"

"You're not brainwashed, Babe. You just… showed a little restraint." Finn said reassuringly. "And yeah, I know it doesn't sound like a good thing, but trust me, it is."

"No! It's more than that!" she replied, sounding more than slightly hysterical. "I… I'm changing. I used to be Huntress Wizard; the bold and fearless beast of the forest. Now I'm just _Pakhet_ ; Vampire Queen's obedient little pet."

"Oh come on, that's not true. You're one of the toughest, most radical chicks I know."

"Maybe I used to be, but not anymore." Pakhet said sadly. "Finn, you didn't notice it, cuz you were too busy being awesome, but I sucked out there today. My senses were duller, my reflexes were slower, heck, it took me six shots just to kill one deer. Meanwhile, _your_ skills were sharper than ever. You made me look like a joke."

A wave of guilt suddenly washed over the young hero like a tsunami.

"Wow… I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own biz I didn't notice." He said guiltily. "Pakhet, I am so, so sorry."

"No… it's not your fault. I just… seeing you out there today, it just… it reminds me of who I used to be." She replied softly as she closed her pale green eyes; as if to try and picture something she'd long forgotten. "Once I was like a dire wolf. Living out on my own. No attachments. No responsibilities. Nothing but myself and the harmony of nature. But then the Queen bit me, and just like that, I was forever bound to the Vampire Kingdom."

Pakhet paused for a moment, most likely to consider her next words carefully, before she continued.

"I don't hate her, mind you. Her Majesty's been really cool to me. It's just… I thought if I tried hard enough, I could stay a dire wolf forever, even in captivity. But in time, captivity became domesticity. And little by little, the dire wolf was groomed and housebroken. Now the proud wolf is gone, and in its place, sits a fluffy, pink Poodle; soft, timid, and eager to heed her Master's every command."

And… it was at this point that Finn realized he was neck deep in the Danger Zone.

Experience told him that now was not the time for joking around. His sweet little Forest Princess was in a very vulnerable state, and just one wrong word could send her, and their relationship, into the abyss.

Fortunately, he'd already had his own heart broken twice, so he had a pretty good idea of what _not_ to say.

"I… I don't really know what I'm supposed to say to that." He answered honestly. "I mean, I understand what you're saying. You're worried because you think you've lost your edge, and that without it you'll be just like all the other vampires. But I have no idea what to say that'll make you feel better."

Pakhet gave no immediate reply, but from the look on her face, Finn could tell he hadn't screwed up… yet.

"I mean, I guess I've been through this kinda thing before. But with me it was always from some kind of trauma; like losing my arm or getting dumped. With you it's like… I don't know. It just seems different with you somehow. Different and… not necessarily bad."

Again, Pakhet gave no reply. Nor did her expression change in the slightest. But something in her eyes told Finn that he had struck a chord. For better or worse, he had no idea.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm really sorry you're so upset, but maybe that's just because you're looking at this all wrong. I mean, I didn't know you before you became a vampire, but when we first met you were all cold and distant. But now… well… you're really nice, and I like being with you. So maybe, just maybe, whatever's happening to you isn't all bad. Who knows? Maybe it's for the best."

Yet again, Pakhet said nothing. But her eyes gave off an aura of intense emotion.

"I just blew it, didn't I?"

"No, its fine." She said finally as she stood up and started walking towards him. "I mean, what you said was dumb, but it came from the heart, which proves that you really do care about me. And that makes me realize something."

"W-What?" Finn asked nervously, as she quickly closed the gap between them.

"If the universe degrees that I am to be domesticated, then there's nothing I can do to stop it. If the cosmos demands that I be a submissive little Poodle, then that is what I must become." She replied as she slowly inched her face closer to his. "However, given the choice, I'd much rather be your Poodle than the Queen's."

"W-W-What exactly are you trying to say?"

"I want us to move in together." Pakhet answered bluntly; now mere inches from his face.

"Whoa, that's… kind of a big step. Are you sure we're re-HMMMMPPHHH!"

Before he could even attempt to protest, Pakhet closed the final few inches between them, and proceeded to make out with her handsome hero.

Finn wasn't sure how he felt about this.

His sweet little Forest Princess had proposed a rather bold step, and he wasn't entirely sure if they were ready.

Still, for the moment at least, all was right with the world.

So with one final shrug, the young hero closed his eyes, and let his lady love have her way with him.

End Notes:

Before anyone asks, No. They did not have sex. They just made out. Finn's still technically a minor. Anyway, I don't have any more ideas for chapters right now. So I'll probably be getting back to work on my WOY Epic pretty soon. But in the meantime, here are some more notes to help with the world building.

 _1) Modern Vampires have a reputation for being fanatically devoted to their Queen; some would even go as far as to say they worship her like a living goddess. Naturally, this is a stereotype, but given how certain members of the Vampire Community glorify their beloved matriarch, it's easy to see how people could get the wrong idea._

 _2) Shortly after seizing command of the Candy Kingdom, Flame Queen discovered a hidden chamber deep within the Royal Palace; in which she discovered one of PB's most coveted treasures. I am of course referring to the former Princess' beloved pet cat, Timmy. To the shock of nearly everyone in the Candy Kingdom, the giant feline took an immediate liking to his new master and vice versa. Since then, Timmy has been Flame Queen's constant companion; serving as both her primary mode of transportation and 'Cuddle Buddy'. FQ has posted thousands of photos of herself playing with her new 'best bud' on the internet; much to PB's vexation._

 _3) Centuries ago, the Goblin Kingdom was by far the most feared and despised nation in all the land; and for good reason too. The Goblins of old were, for the most part, cruel, heartless marauders who would plunder and pillage everything in sight; all in the name of their dark lord, Xerxes the Goblin King. However, after Marceline and her Vampire Horde laid waste to this empire of evil, the surviving Goblins were scattered to the wind and quickly forgotten. Three hundred years later, a new Goblin Kingdom would rise, but by then the years of poverty and starvation had reduced the once fearsome Goblins to the race of spineless wimps we all know and love. Unfortunately, every now and then the Birthing Pits produce a genetic throwback to the Age of Goblin Supremacy; once such example is Xergiok, the previous Goblin King._

 _4) Like most Kingdoms in Ooo, the recently founded Vice Kingdom consists of one massive city with the Royal Palace in the center. As previously stated, the Vice Kingdom is a safe haven for Ooo's most notorious gangsters, and as such, it is in a constant state of gang warfare, with various syndicates gaining and losing territory on a daily basis. At this time, the city is divided into four distinct districts; each one controlled by a different syndicate. The Northside is controlled by the Dr. J Gang, the East by the Silver Monkeys, the South by the Black Horn Collective, and the West by the Acolytes of Xerxes. However, no matter which gang you belong to, everyone pays tribute to the Boss of Bosses; Prince Plutus himself. Anyone who fails to do so, will have the debt taken out of their hide; literally._

 _5) Since events happen differently in this universe than they do in the canon, Betty has yet to be summoned to the Present Day. Don't worry, she'll turn up eventually, but under much different circumstances._

 _6) As previously stated, Marceline's Venom tends to produce some rather unexpected abilities in the vampires she creates. This also applies to her Three Brides._

 _Nikki aka the Water Nymph: Enhanced Hydrokinesis and Telekinesis._

 _Barbie aka Breakfast Princess: Levitation and Mind Control._

 _Georgette aka Jungle Princess: Animal Transformation._


	10. Chapter 10: Death: Part 1

This is an idea I've been kicking around for a while. I hope you like it. Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 10: The Death of Marceline: Part 1.

Dreams…

I _hate_ dreams.

Specifically, I hate my own dreams. They're always so creepy and _weird_.

Take the one I just had for example. See, I was trapped inside this cocoon made of pitch black silk, and there were all these golden chains wrapped around my heart. And then the chains transformed into pink butterflies. Or… maybe they were pink bats. Then… then there was something about cotton candy and frilly pink dresses and… and… and now it's gone.

Oh well, I guess that's the one good thing about dreams; you never remember them for long.

Anyway, I might as well wake up. No point in putting it off.

Ugh… what's going on? Why are the lights on? And why do I feel so… _weak_?

And what's… is there a wet rag on my head?

What the hell's going on here?

Wait… is that Horus? What's he doing in my room? And why is he sleeping in a chair?

Ugh… this is so confusing. I hate mornings.

" _Hey_ … _Horus_ …" I say weakly. Glob, my voice sounds terrible. Even worse, he can't hear me. Let me try again. " _Horus_ … Horus, wake up, please. I need you. Horus!"

"Huh… Whazzat?" he slurs as he's jolted back to consciousness. "What's happen… My Queen! You're alright!"

Aw~ He was worried about me. Such a sweet boy.

"Of course I'm alright, Silly. Why wouldn't I be?" I say as I force myself to sit up. Seriously, what's going on with my body today?

"You… you mean you don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

"Your Majesty, you… you've been in a coma for almost four days."

What?

"W-What? But… but that's impossible."

"I'm afraid not, My Lady." He replies. I sense no deception in his voice. Not that I ever do. "Tell me, what's the last thing you can remember?"

Good question. What _do_ I remember?

"Well…"

Okay, I was with Finn and Jake. And Bonnie, FQ, CB, B-MO, Poppa, and a bunch of princesses were there too. And I was… opening presents. Why was I opening presents? Oh wait, duh.

"My birthday… I remember my birthday."

"That's right, Your Majesty. We had a party for you in the main ballroom. Can you recall anything else?"

"I… I'm not sure. I think I… I…"

Okay, think. I was in the ballroom. I was having lots of fun. And then Poppa came in with his present, and it was… Oh Glob!

"Jungle Princess…"

"That's right, Your Highness. Brother Simon offered you a Princess for your birthday. A new bride for your 'collection', as it were."

Yes, I remember now. He just carried her in bridal style. Had her all wrapped up with a big purple bow and everything. Then Poppa tried to hand her to me. So calm and casual. Like he was giving me a new toy.

Finn and Jake were furious. Bonnie looked ready to tear his head off. But I knew better. I could see it in her eyes. She hadn't been kidnaped or coerced. She'd wanted this to happen. She probably put Poppa up to it in the first place. She wanted me. And I… I wanted her.

"I see you're beginning to remember what happened next." Horus says to me. His tone is unnaturally even. "Before anyone could react, you accepted Brother Simon's gift, and you wed yourself to her right there on the spot. Then you carried her off to your room to… _consummate_ your marriage. I should have known something was wrong then and there. With all due respect, My Lady, you weren't acting like yourself. You were more like… an animal."

Ah yes~ My sweet Georgette and I made such sweet and passionate love~ Such a remarkable little acrobat that one. So athletic and perky. I'm going to have so much fun with her.

But wait… what happened next?

We had just finished our second bout, and then… and then it was right now.

What the hell is going on here?

"Horus… what happened to me?"

"Well, sometime later, we heard Miss Georgette screaming, so several of us went to investigate. That's when we… found you… like _that_."

Oh Glob. This can't be good.

"You… you were delirious, My Queen. You were sweating profusely, and crying. You were crying for your mother, cursing at your father, and… and clawing at the air. It was… scary."

Oh. My. _Glob_.

"I didn't hurt anyone, did I?"

"Oh no, Your Majesty. No one was hurt. Although… Anubis and I did have to restrain you while Serket gave you a sedative. After that, you fell into a deep sleep. And, well… you can guess the rest."

Sweet Gob.

My head is spinning.

This sounds like something from an old horror movie.

But it must be true. Horus wouldn't lie to me. None of my children can lie to me. Not ever.

"Okay, but I seem to be alright now. So whatever was wrong with me must not 've been all that serious. Right?"

Oh dear, he's not answering. Not good.

And he's got a weird look on his face. Double not good.

"Horus, this was nothing, right?"

"Well… it wasn't anything _too_ serious." He answers while scratching the back of his head; never a good sign. "However, I would hardly call what you've endured 'nothing'."

Triple not good.

"And what exactly _did_ I endure? And please, be a little more direct this time."

"It is… difficult to explain, Your Highness. But I will try." He says before pausing; clearly needing to organize his thoughts. "Well… after we… um… contained you, I called for Thoth, to see if he had ever read of anything like this before. And as luck would have it, he had."

I can already tell I'm not gonna like this.

"You see, My Lady, some time ago, Thoth discovered an ancient tomb of vampire lore somewhere within his massive bookstacks. Most of it was either common knowledge or superseded theories, so he never bothered mentioning to anyone. However, when I called him and told him about your condition, he remembered something from the tomb that matched your symptoms."

Oh great, he's pausing again.

Is he _trying_ to kill me?

"As you know, Your Majesty, in ancient times it was customary for Vampire Lords to form a harem of no less than three wives. But what most people don't know is why. As it turns out, a Vampire's harem plays a more vital role than any of us ever realized. Apparently, the brides are an important part of an ancient ritual."

"What kind of ritual?" I ask, already dreading the answer.

"It's… difficult to explain, My Lady. You see, when a Vampire Lord, or in this case Queen, takes their third bride, it triggers some sort of… _metamorphosis_. An internal transformation, as it were, that…oh… how shall I put this? It… cleanses the Vampire's mind and soul. Removing all of the emotional muck from their previous life."

"I don't understand."

"You see, the ritual was created by Hunson Abadeer, the ancient Vampire blood god, as a means of rewarding those who reached the higher castes of the Old Society. Essentially, it… deletes all unwanted data from the subject's mind; forever freeing them from all the painful or unpleasant memories of their mortal life. So that they may fully enjoy their immortality."

 _Hunson_. I should've known he'd have something to do with this. Every time something horrible happens to me, it's almost always his fault. Oh, he makes me so mad.

But wait… I don't really feel all that mad. Maybe a little steamed, but not mad. Not **_mad_** mad. But that's impossible. Every time I think about that creep it makes my blood boil. I must be mad, I can't not be mad. Not unless… oh Glob.

"Horus… this ritual, you're saying it gets rid of emotional baggage?"

"That's one way of putting it, yes."

"But… I'm pretty much _all_ emotional baggage. I'm like a fricken luggage car of grief and angst."

"I realize that, Your Majesty. And we suspect that is why you had such an extreme reaction. Everything in Thoth's tome suggests that it was supposed to be a quick and painless transition."

"So… if all that's really gone for good, then what am I? What is Marceline without the pain and angst at her core? Am I… am I even Marceline anymore?"

"I'm afraid I don't know, Your Highness. It appears that this is something you must discover for yourself."

Great… it's one of _those_ things.

I hate _those_ things.

"However, just because this is something you must do yourself, doesn't mean you have to do it alone."

"Huh?"

"My Lady, you are not the same lonely, starving girl you were when we first met. You are a Queen and a mother to thousands. You are the daughter of King Simon, and the lover of Princesses. You are the most respected and admired monarch in all of Ooo. You have the entire continent wrapped around your little finger."

"What's your point?"

"My point, Your Majesty, is that unlike the girl I met in the woods all those years ago, _you_ are not alone. You have legions of friends and loved ones to help you through these difficult times. Not to mention three gorgeous brides who live to coddle and pamper you mercilessly."

All excellent points.

"So take heart, Your Excellency. For although _Marceline_ might be dead, the Vampire Queen lives on. And she is as strong, and as wise, and as beautiful as ever."

Again, all very, very good points.

Huh, weird, I don't feel… anything.

I don't feel good. I don't feel bad. I don't feel sad or angry or any of that stuff.

I just feel… empty.

It's kinda nice actually.

Wait, what's that up there on the wall?

Oh, it's just my bass.

Funny. I don't remember hanging it there.

Now that I think about it…

"Hey, Horus."

"Yes, My Queen."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, Your Eminence."

"You see that bass hanging on the wall over there?"

"Yes."

"Do I know how to play it?"

To Be Continued in Part 2…

End Notes:

Thanks for reading. And just like the last few times, here's some more world building.

 _1) Sometime between 800 and 400 BC, the demonic entity known as Hunson Abadeer created the first Vampire when he made a Faustian Pact with an Athenian woman named Lamia, who wanted the secret of eternal youth. Ever the trickster, Hunson gave the girl what she wanted, but only after he remade her in his own image and gave her a long list of conditions to sustain her immortality. In the centuries that followed, Hunson became something of a god to the Vampires; a fact which greatly amused him, which is why he threw his worshippers the occasional bone. Such as, the Ritual of the Third Bride._

 _2) Much like the rest of Ooo, the vast majority of the Vampire Kingdom is unaware that the Ice King is not Marceline's biological father. Likewise, they are ignorant of her connection to the demon Hunson Abadeer and her role as a Vampire Hunter before becoming Queen. She doesn't actively lie to her people, she just doesn't share certain details about her past unless asked directly._

 _3) For every myth about Vampires that turns out to be true, there are at least fifty or sixty that are pure bunk. For example, the idea that Vampires have no reflections and cannot be photographed is based on the mistranslation of an ancient tablet describing the creation of Lamia, the first Vampire. Similarly, the idea that Vampires cannot cross running water is based off of a game they used to play during the 12_ _th_ _Century to make hunting humans more challenging. Crosses and Holy Water are also ineffective against Vampires, although they may work on Marceline since she is half demon._

 _4) Slight alteration to what I said last time._

 _Princess Nikki: Enhanced Hydrokinesis and Super Speed._

 _Princess Barbie: Mind Control and Invisibility._

 _Princess Georgette: Animal Transformation._


	11. Chapter 11: Death: Part 2

Okay, here's part two of 'The Death of Marceline'. Sorry in advance if it's not all that exciting. Mostly it just deals with exploring Marcy's mental state post metamorphosis. Anyway, Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Blah, Blah, Blah. Enjoy.

Chapter 11: The Death of Marceline: Part 2.

"Feel the water flowing~ Feel it coming~ Feel it going~ In the river~ In the rain~ And in the sky~"

Oh yeah, I still got it.

"One day it's an ocean~ One day ice in motion~ One day it's a teardrop in your eye~"

I'll admit, I was a little freaked out before when I realized I couldn't remember how to play my bass. And yes, I did faint when I realized my hands don't even remember how to hold it. But it's no big deal. I have the rest of eternity to relearn it if I want to. And in the meantime, I still have my _amazing_ voice.

"Once I wasn't here~ And then I suddenly appeared~ And now I feel at home in earth and air~"

Whoa, I'm really killing it. And this song is amazing. Did I write it?

"Like the water flowing~ I know where I'm going~ Look beneath your boots and I'll be there~"

No, I don't think I wrote this. It doesn't really fit my style. Maybe Mom wrote it.

"It's just a dream~ Away~"

No, this doesn't really fit Mom's style either. So who wrote it then?

"You've got to leave~ To stay~"

Better question; If neither Mom nor I wrote it, then how the heck do I know it so well?

"We'll meet again~ Someday~"

Oh well, guess it doesn't really matter. I probably just heard it somewhere and then forgot about it. No biggie.

Anyway, the song's almost over. Time to face my _adoring_ public.

"Just a dream away~"

"Whoo-Hoo! Way to go, Baby!"

"Marvelous~ Simply Marvelous~"

"Yeah girl, that was like straight Awesome Sauce for real."

Ah, my Brides.

My sweet, adorable little Poopsies.

So affectionate.

So obedient.

So loyal.

I couldn't ask for more perfect Princesses.

"Thank you, Darlings. But really, you're too kind." I say, faking modesty. Really, I'm just fishing for more compliments. "That song really wasn't one of my best. And personally, I think my singing was a little flat."

"Nonsense. You're singing was perfect. Just like always." Says Barbie; my adorable little Butt Kisser. "And as for the song itself; it was positively divine~ But then again, with your voice, you could read the phonebook and it would sound like a chorus of angels~"

A bit much, but then I am a Queen after all. And Queens deserve to be glorified.

"She's knows that. She's just fishing for more compliments, like she always is." Says Nikki; my perceptive little Sweet Talker. "You're a naughty little attention hog, aren't you Marcy Poo~"

"You know it, Cupcake."

"Marcy, I'm bored." Says Georgette; my perky little Exhibitionist. "Can I have a belly rub like yesterday?"

"No, not until you learn how to control your new powers."

"But I said I was sorry."

" _Sorry_ doesn't unshatter my pelvis."

"But it's not like it was permanent. You healed in like two seconds."

"Doesn't matter, until you can train yourself not to go from poodle to hippo halfway through, no more belly rubs."

"But that's not fair!"

"Too bad."

"HMPH!"

She can pout all she wants, but I'm not changing my mind.

As much fun as it is to spoil my lovelies, I must also be strict with them from time to time.

Nothing too harsh, of course. Just an occasional show of force to remind them all who's the boss.

Then I go back to spoiling them.

"Oh, quit your whining." I say teasingly. "Be a good girl, and maybe I'll let you give me a foot massage later."

"Really? You mean it?"

"Sure. Just behave yourself and my tootsies are all yours."

"Oh~ Anything for you, my love~"

Aw~ Her cheeks are getting all red. How adorable

"Hey, you promised me I'd get to massage your feet today." Says Barbie huffily.

"No biggie. I've got two feet, remember. Plenty of me to go around."

Good Glob, that was cheesy.

But it worked, now all my girls are blushing.

Except for Nikki, she's just giggling at how goofy the other two look.

I swear, these girls are so cute, it just skips past sickening and lands right back on adorable.

Ah… nothing could ruin this day.

"Um… Excuse me."

I stand corrected.

"Begging Your Majesty's pardon, but there's something I must discuss with you."

Oh, it's just Bonnie; my faithful assistant. For some reason, I thought it was Serket. Good Glob, that woman is such a pain lately. I mean, seriously, what kind of scientist doesn't know that inflammable means flammable?

"Excuse _me_ , but the Pleasure Chamber is for _royals_ only." Says Barbie; showing off her much less adorable side. "Now away with you, _Servant_. Go on, Shoo!"

Well, someone just talked herself out of giving me a foot massage later.

And dessert for the next week.

"No, no, it's fine. What do you need to talk about, Bonnie?"

"Actually, I kinda need to speak with you in private."

"Well you can forget it! Marcy still needs lots of rest and TLC after her ordeal, so the last thing she needs right now is you bothering her with one of your stupid HHHPPPPPHHH!"

Oh, excellent gag work, Nikki. You get extra attention tonight.

"This sounds important, so… we'll just get out of your hair." She says; once again showing me why she's my favorite. "Come along girls."

"Yeah, uh… okay, I'm right behind ya."

"MPPPPPHHHHH! HMMPPHHH! MHHHPPPPHHHHHHH!"

And just like that, I'm alone.

With Bonnie.

No big deal.

Right?

"So… Bonnie, what's up?"

"What's _up_? My best friend's been avoiding me for over a week, that's what's up!"

Straight to the point as always, eh Bonnibel.

No problem, I can play that way too.

"Bonnie, I've been in recovery for the last week. You know, because of my traumatizing spiritual metamorphosis. Remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. I also remember Serket telling me you needed to be in 'total isolation' while you were recuperating."

"Yes, and that's exactly why I couldn't see you."

"Then what was your _Fan Club_ doing here?"

"My _Brides_ are part of my recuperation. They ease my weary soul on a daily basis, so this sort of thing is right up their ally."

"Okay, then how come Finn and Jake got to see you?"

"Well… they just happened to be in the neighborhood, and… they had BMO with them, and BMO's cuteness can be very therapeutic… supposedly."

"Then what about Ice King, or Flame Queen, or LSP? How come they got to see you during your so-called _isolation_?"

"Well… you see I… Okay, here's the thing about… You're just…"

Ugh! I can't do this.

I just don't have the energy today.

Guess I'll have to be honest with her.

Oh _Goody_ , it's _Honesty Time_.

"You're right, I'm sorry."

"W-What?"

"I said you're right. I was avoiding you, and I'm sorry."

"No, I heard you. I just can't believe you gave up so easily."

"Yeah, well… I'm not really up for arguing right now."

"Okay… but why were you avoiding me? And don't just say _It's Complicated_ , you know I hate that."

You're not making this easy, Bonnie. I hope you realize that.

"Alright, here it is." I say; already dreading what I have to say next. "Bonnie, I was avoiding you because… because… because I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt your feelings."

"What? Marcy, that doesn't make any sense. How could you possibly hurt my feelings?"

"Because you mean nothing to me now."

Probably at least a dozen ways I could've worded that better, but at least I got my point across.

Now I just have to deal with the fallout.

"W-W-What?" she asks; in that oh-so aghast tone I know so well.

Glob, I wish there was a kinder way to do this.

"It's not that I don't like you or anything. It's just…" Oh Glob, how do I explain this. "That ritual or whatever, it didn't just erase my bad memories. It… changed them somehow."

"I don't understand."

"Well… before, whenever I thought about you, I'd relive all the old emotions; the good ones and the bad. But now, it's like… it's like watching someone else's home movies. I remember, but I don't feel anything anymore. At least, that's how it works with you."

And… now comes the awkward pause.

I _hate_ awkward pauses.

"Wow… that's… that's some heavy stuff right there. I… I think I need to sit down."

"Knock yourself out. Plenty of pillows to go around."

"Thanks. Let me just… No, that's not… maybe if I…"

Jeez, Bonnie. They're just pillows. You sit on them. Why do you always have to complicate things?

Still, she's taking this a lot better than I thought she would.

"Okay, I'm good." She says; after what feels like an hour. "So… I really mean nothing to you? All the good times we had, all the love we shared, it's just old movies to you?"

"Basically. I mean, I remember loving you, I just… don't remember why."

"Oh… I see."

Oh Glob, not the face!

Not the 'my soul is dying' face!

This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

"Bonnie, I am so, so sorry. If I could make myself feel that way again, you know I would."

"No, don't apologize. It's not your fault."

UGH! Why does she have to be so mature about this?

Couldn't she at least, I don't know, yell at me or something?

"So, just out of curiosity, what _am_ I to you now? Am I just a friend, or…"

"Honestly, you're just my favorite servant."

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

"Wait, that's not what I meant."

"Yes, it is." She replies bluntly. "But no biggie. You were just saying what you feel."

Okay… this is not at all how I was expecting this to go.

"Uh… Bonnie, are you okay? Cuz, no offense, but you're taking all this _way_ to comfortably well."

"No, it only looks that way cuz I'm awesome at controlling my emotions now. Inside, it feels like your words are poison ice daggers flaying my heart muscles into knitting material."

Poison ice daggers flaying heart muscles?

Someone's been listening to my old B-sides.

"Anyway, my issues are probably nothing compared to what you must be going through. I mean, you basically had your whole brain rewired. That's gotta be intense."

You don't know the half of it, Prubs.

I'm missing whole chunks of my memories from when I was human.

I still remember mom and most of my time with Simon. But other than that, it's like my life began the moment _he_ bit me.

Plus, every day my thoughts get a little more posh and girly.

Not really sure where that's going, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

"Yeah… it's pretty jacked up."

"I figured." She says; flashing me a warm and somewhat familiar smile. "So, since I've been downgraded to 'favorite servant', I guess it's my sworn duty to help my _Mistress_ get through this difficult time."

"Oh Bonnie, you don't have to do that. That's what my harem is for."

"No, no, it's fine. Some of this is my fault anyway. Maybe if I'd been a better girlfriend all those years ago, you wouldn't 've had so much crud in your brain in the first place."

"You couldn't 've been that bad. After all, I wanted to marry you."

" ** _WHAT_**!"

Oh right… I never told her that, did I.

"Yeah… funny story, without all that emotional baggage blurring my perception, I can remember certain things a lot clearer than before." I say awkwardly. "For example, now I remember what I was doing in your room the night we broke up. Apparently, I was… gonna propose to you."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I was gonna ask you to run away with me to my new Kingdom, so I could make you my one and only Vampire Princess. I even wrote a song for you and everything. I was practicing getting down on one knee when I saw that book on your bed and… well, you know the rest."

"Do you still remember it?"

"The book?"

"No, the song. The one you wrote for me."

"Oh, right… yeah, I think so."

"Then can I hear it?"

"Uh… I don't know. It won't sound as good without my bass. And my heart won't really be in it since…"

"I don't care. I just… I just need to hear it. You know, for closure."

"Eh… I'm still not sure. What if someone sees me? What if my brides see me?"

"Oh come on, please~ If your former self never got to sing it, then this could be the perfect send off for her. It's like the ultimate tribute to the Marceline you used to be."

"Eh… that barely makes sense, but okay."

"Really? You'll do it?"

"Yeah, sure, why not. Just don't get mad if it's not as good as you hoped."

"It's a deal."

"Okay… you asked for it."

Just a quick clearing of the throat, and…

"Run away with me~"

"And the Poltergeists and Ghouls~"

"We can wander through the darkness~"

"And play by our own rules~"

"Run away with me~"

"To a Cavern shaped like Home~"

"Where we'll build our own forever~"

"And never dance alone~"

Whoa… sometimes I forget how totally deep I can be.

Wonder if Bonnie liked it.

"So, Bonnie, what did you…"

Oh, this is something.

She's hugging me.

Feels kinda weird.

But in a good way.

Weird but familiar.

"Thank you." She whispers softly into my ear.

"Don't mention it." I reply.

You know, a few more moments like this, and I just might consider her a friend.

End Notes:

The song Marcy sings at the beginning is called, "Just a Dream Away" and its owned by the Jim Henson Company. It's from one of my favorite episodes of Fraggle Rock and it deals with the subject of life, death, and rebirth. So I figured it would be appropriate. The song at the end is from Adventure Time but it never aired on the show. Still, it's owned by Cartoon Network.

Anyway, no world building trivia this chapter. Maybe next time. Until then, Peace.


	12. Chapter 12: Prospero's Journal: Part 1

Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 12: Prospero's Journal: Part 1.

 ** _Day 1:_**

 _Unusual day today._

 _Woke up on a beach sometime in the late afternoon with no memory of how I got there._

 _Even more surprising, I can't seem to remember who I am or what my name is._

 _I find this troubling, but I'm willing to push this problem aside for now; at least until I'm more acquainted with my new surroundings._

 _Anyway, when I first woke up my body was completely numb. It took three hours for the feeling to return to my limbs, and another two before I could work myself into a seated position. By the time I retaught myself how to walk it was already late in the evening, so rather than focus what little energy I had on the riddle of my identity, I decided to seek shelter in a nearby forest._

 _I can worry about who I am once I make sure I don't die._

 _While I was stumbling around in the dark I found this old spiral notebook just lying on the ground. No name on the cover. Think I'll keep it._

 _Found a pen in my back pocket. Lucky me. Now I can write stuff._

 _Found a cave a few hours ago. No signs of any previous habitation. It should be safe._

 _Getting tired now. Must rest._

 _Hopefully I don't get eaten by wild animals in my sleep._

 _Fingers crossed._

 ** _Day 2:_**

 _Good news, I'm still alive._

 _Storming outside, so I've been stuck in this cave all day._

 _It sucks, but it's given me some time to think. To go over what I know, and hopefully piece together some clues about my past._

 _Here's what I know so far._

 _Firstly, I am a woman. Obviously. And I appear to be farsighted; which I guess makes sense, since I woke up wearing glasses yesterday._

 _Secondly, my skin is blue. Like a light sky blue. And my hair is as white as snow. Can't say for sure, but I have a hunch I wasn't always like this._

 _Lastly, although I'm unable to remember my name or any details about my life, I seem to possess a basic understanding of the world and how it works. I remember the names of cities and countries. I remember historical facts and figures, as well as numerous scientific principles and mathematical theorems. I even remember the plots of books I've read and TV shows I've seen. In short, I seem to know everything a normal person should know, except who I am and how I got here._

 _For that matter where is here?_

 _I mean, I'm clearly in a forest, but where is the forest?_

 _Am I in the U.S. or Canada?_

 _Maybe Europe?_

 _Maybe I'm from Europe._

 _No, that can't be right. If I was from Europe I'd probably have an accent or something._

 _Unless I forgot it._

 _Can people forget accents?_

 _Too many questions._

 _I'm going to bed._

 ** _Day 3:_**

 _Still alive._

 _Made several important discoveries today._

 _Firstly, I'm pretty sure I'm not on Earth anymore._

 _With no rain today, I was finally able to explore my new surroundings. I was hoping to run into a friendly camper or maybe a forest ranger; anybody who could tell me where I am. But what I found instead is almost too ridiculous to believe._

 _Animals._

 _Talking animals._

 _That's right, you heard me. I'm in a forest full of talking animals._

 _I first realized this when an elderly porcupine politely asked me what time it was. Naturally, I screamed in terror at the old gent and ran away like a frightened schoolgirl._

 _Initially I'd assumed this was just a hallucination brought on by going two days without food, but after filling my empty belly with some berries I was sure weren't poisonous, a wild boar yelled at me to get off his front lawn._

 _Nope, not a hallucination._

 _Anyway, from there I came across several other anthropomorphic creatures; including a fox, a duck, and a whole family of deer. And for a while it wasn't that bad. Until a young bear surprised me and I accidentally froze him._

 _Oh, by the way, I apparently have ice powers._

 _Probably should've led with that._

 _Anyway, the bear's mother showed up soon after and long story short I don't think I'm welcome in this part of the forest anymore._

 _Which is just as well, since I need to move on anyway if I'm going to uncover the mystery of my being here._

 _Where is here anyway?_

 _Am I on another planet or maybe some alternate dimension?_

 _Neither possibility explains my memory loss or my new abilities._

 _Still so many questions._

 _Tomorrow I head south._

 ** _Day 5:_**

 _Nothing interesting happened yesterday, so I didn't bother writing anything down._

 _Also, not sure if I'll be able to find another notebook any time soon, so to conserve paper I'm only recording events I think are significant._

 _Today certainly fits the bill._

 _While wandering aimlessly through the forest, I came across an old shack. Though given its abysmal condition, I suppose it was more like the ruins of an old shack, but that's beside the point._

 _Anyway, I was feeling curious so I decided to take a look inside, and that's when I saw it._

 _A Manticore._

 _That's right, you heard me. An honest to goodness Manticore._

 _Apparently those exist in this world._

 _Anyway, despite walking in on him during a meal, the strange creature didn't seem bothered by my intrusion. In fact, he was most accommodating. He even offered me a piece of what he called Martian Jerky, which I politely declined._

 _During our initial meeting, the beast sniffed me several times and then asked if I was a Wizard._

 _Yeah, apparently those exist too._

 _I told him I didn't think so, but he seemed to think that was a joke, because he soon started laughing uncontrollably._

 _This proved to be a most effective icebreaker._

 _From there my new friend and I started talking, and after I explained my situation to him, the great beast explained to me the nature of this world._

 _Firstly, he explained that we're on a continent known as the Land of Ooo, and that this continent is home to dozens, possibly even hundreds of different lifeforms; each with their own Kingdom, Township, Territory, or Microclimate._

 _A bit overwhelming, I'll admit, but it beats just talking to animals, I suppose._

 _Anyway, my friend then went on to explain that among these territories, the four most powerful Kingdoms are those of Vampire, Fire, Slime, and Wildberry._

 _Apparently, there's also a Kingdom of Candy, which used to be the most powerful, but its ruler was deposed some time ago and the territory was annexed by the Fire Kingdom._

 _Furthermore, my new friend warned me about a relatively new Kingdom in the far south known as the Vice Kingdom; which is evidently some sort of holy land for thieves and killers._

 _He said I'd be wise to avoid it._

 _I think I shall follow his advice._

 _On a somewhat unrelated note, throughout our conversation, my Manticore friend made several references to an event he called the Mushroom War, which he says happened roughly one thousand years ago. And although his descriptions were rather fuzzy, it sounded an awful lot like a nuclear fallout._

 _What's more, he identified the shore I first woke up on as Iceberg Beach; a place where scavengers go to collect prewar swag that had been frozen long ago._

 _Talk about a major lead._

 _Emerging from an iceberg after a thousand years would explain my initial numbness. Granted, I don't remember seeing any ice on the beach with me, but then again I was pretty groggy those first few hours. And by the time my senses fully returned it was pretty dark out. So it's possible I just didn't notice any shards that might've remained._

 _What's more, the radiation from the fallout could've caused a mutation while I was frozen; which would account for my strange pigmentation and my ice powers._

 _And the trauma of seeing my entire world get destroyed could, in theory, have caused my amnesia._

 _Yes, it all fits._

 _So, I'm not on another planet or in some different dimension._

 _I'm still on Earth, just a thousand years into the future._

 _Could be worse, I suppose._

 _At any rate, now that I know where I am and how I got here, there are only two questions that still remain._

 _Who am I, and what do I do now that I'm here?_

 ** _Day 9:_**

 _Today was very educational._

 _But before I get into that, I have a brief announcement._

 _In lieu of my real name, which I've come to accept I may never discover, I have chosen to give myself a new one._

 _From now on, I will be known as Prospero._

 _An odd choice I know, especially since I'm a woman. But I've been thinking about how my new friend initially mistook me for a wizard, and for some reason Prospero is always the first wizard that pops into my head._

 _Maybe in my former life I was a fan of Shakespeare?_

 _Who knows?_

 _Anyway, at the advice of my Manticore friend, whose name I now know is Tom, I decided to head west several days ago, into a large open region known as the Grass Lands._

 _This is where I received my education today._

 _While wandering through the wide-open spaces of the Grass Lands, I happened upon a village inhabited by living houses._

 _Yes, that's what I said, moving on._

 _So I'm walking through this cute little village, when I notice this large plant creature harassing a local farmhouse. Naturally, I stepped in to try and break it up, but when the plant guy started copping an attitude I used my mysterious ice powers to freeze the big jerk solid._

 _However, instead of being thanked, the townspeople all started yelling at me; demanding that I help thaw him out._

 _The process took about two hours, and when it was done the big jerk went right back to tormenting the little houses._

 _Needless to say, I was confused._

 _Later on, however, the local bank explained to me that Donnie, that's the plant guy's name BTW, is actually an important part of the local ecosystem. Apparently, his body emits an invisible gas that's toxic to certain nocturnal predators. So, in a sense, they're choosing a public nuisance over being killed in their sleep._

 _Makes sense, I guess._

 _At any rate, this experience has taught me a very valuable lesson._

 _Clearly the Land of Ooo requires less obvious forms of heroism._

 ** _Day 11:_**

 _Something strange happened today._

 _And not normal Land of Ooo strange either._

 _I was walking through the Grass Lands, when I noticed a man flying in the sky._

 _He had blue skin and a long white beard and for some weird reason I felt the uncontrollable urge to get his attention._

 _I tried calling to him, but I guess he was too high up to hear me._

 _So I started running after him._

 _Not sure how long I was at it, but eventually I collapsed from exhaustion._

 _By the time I caught my second wind the flying man was gone and I was left feeling confused and disappointed._

 _No idea why I wanted his attention so badly._

 _I mean, for all I know he could've been a murderer or a sex pervert or something._

 _Maybe I was just excited to finally see another human; or at the very least something that looked human._

 _Maybe I'm just lonely._

 _It's been days since I've talked to anyone, or even seen a town._

 _I don't know._

 _I hope it doesn't rain tonight._

 ** _Day 15:_**

 _Had unusual dream last night._

 _I'm in New York City and I'm murdering someone with a large butcher knife._

 _Don't know if this is relevant._

 _Just felt like sharing._

 ** _Day 18:_**

 _Today was a very good day._

 _Found a neat little bazaar on the northeastern end of the Grass Lands._

 _Met several interesting people._

 _First, there was that charming fellow who runs the 'Miscellaneous Magic' Stand; Choose Goose I think his name was._

 _Anyway, we started talking about this that and the other thing, and for a while it was nice._

 _However, his incessant rhyming got old rather fast, so I politely excused myself from his stall and moved on._

 _Sometime later, I met another interesting person._

 _A woman this time._

 _She, however, was far from what I'd call charming._

 _She called to me from across the crowded marketplace and then quickly slithered up beside me._

 _She put her arm around my shoulder, and introduced herself as Dr. Mallory Gross._

 _You know, for someone smart enough to be a doctor, she clearly doesn't understand the concept of personal space._

 _Anyway, she seemed delighted, almost amused by my presence, and she kept saying how surprised she was to see another human in the Land of Ooo. Though I have no idea what she meant by that, since she was clearly_ _ **not**_ _human._

 _Her body was mostly robotic, and what little organic parts I could see looked more reptilian than human. She basically looked like some kind of weird cyber-naga. It was really quite disturbing._

 _Anyway, when I asked her about her supposed humanity, her only answer was,_

 _"_ _My new boyfriend's_ _ **really**_ _into snakes."_

 _I decided not to ask any more questions, for fear of what she might say next, so I again politely excused myself from the situation and not-so-subtly backed away._

 _However, as I was leaving, Dr. Gross made some cryptic remarks about there being a lot more humans in Ooo sometime in the near future._

 _No idea what she was talking about, and to be honest I don't wanna know._

 _That woman seriously creeps me out._

 _The whole time we were talking I got the feeling she was undressing me with her eyes; or possibly something much worse._

 _I hope I never see that weirdo again._

 _Anyway, a little while later I met another woman._

 _This one much, much more pleasant to be around._

 _Her name is Canyon, and she's a giant._

 _That's right, I met a giant today._

 _If I had a bucket list in my previous life, this would definitely have been on it._

 _Anyway, we met over by the Hotdog Stand, thank goodness those still exist, and after she offered to pay for mine, since I just then realized I have no money, we started talking._

 _It was nice._

 _I must say, I find her relaxed, almost tranquil demeanor most refreshing._

 _When I talk to her, it's like talking to one of those old Zen masters you see in movies._

 _But more than that, she's also very sweet and kind, and I find her sense of humor most endearing._

 _At any rate, when the subject of my ice powers came up and I explained how I'm still learning to control them, Canyon suddenly got very excited._

 _She revealed to me that she is a descendant of the Jotun of Norse Mythology, and as such she can control water in all its forms; including ice._

 _She then went on to say, that she's grown tired of living outdoors and desires to sleep under a real roof like she did when she was with her ex; so she offered me a deal._

 _If I can procure us a place to live and enough money to support us, she will agree to become my teacher and instruct me in the ways of ice and snow._

 _On the spur of the moment, I accepted her offer._

 _I mean, it would be nice to be able to control my new abilities._

 _And it's not like I've got anything better to do._

 _Besides, how hard could it be to find a place to live?_

To Be Continued in Part 2…

End Notes:

 _1) It is worth noting that in this timeline, during the events of 'Sons of Mars', Finn and Jake were on the western side of Ooo completing a quest for Marceline. So with no one to switch places with, Magic Man was forced to seek refuge in his dilapidated old shack while his brothers were out looking for him. Unfortunately for him, Tom the Tiny Manticore took advantage of his powerless state to free himself from his bottle and tore out his captor's jugular. Having nowhere else to go, Tom remained in the old shack, and consumes a piece of Magic Man's preserved flesh wherever he has a bad day._

 _2) At this time, Marceline's spiritual metamorphosis has produced no drastic side effects. Although, several people have noticed that she's become somewhat more posh and queenly than usual. And she periodically switches between calling the Ice King 'Simon' and 'Papa' with no apparent reason or rhyme._

See you in the next one. Peace.


	13. Chapter 13: Prospero's Journal: Part 2

Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 13: Prospero's Journal: Part 2.

 ** _Day 23:_**

 _It's like the old saying goes._

 _Good things come to those who wait._

 _Hold on, I'm getting ahead of myself._

 _Let's go back just a bit._

 _Over the last few days, Canyon and I have been hanging around the Ooo Bazaar; living off the junk from the various concession stands and keeping our ears to the ground for possible housing opportunities._

 _Oh, and while I'm on the subject of Canyon, I can't help but comment on how my relationship with the gentle giant has taken a rather unusual turn since our initial meeting._

 _I mean, she's supposed to be my teacher, but she constantly dotes on me like a servant. She's even started calling me 'Lady Prospero'. Which would be fine, if it didn't give people the wrong idea about our group dynamic._

 _When I brought this up with her, she casually said it was like a live action role play and she'd stop doing it just as soon as it stopped being fun._

 _Canyon is_ _ **so**_ _weird._

 _Oh well, I guess it's not really hurting anyone._

 _I'll try not to let it bother me._

 _Anyway, back to what I was talking about before._

 _Canyon and I were over by the frozen lemonade stand when I saw this guy handing out flyers. Feeling curious, I decided to take one for myself, and that's when my prayers were answered._

 _According to this, the heroes Finn and Jake, Ooo's greatest protectors, are moving out of their fabled tree fort home. So Marceline the Vampire Queen, who is apparently the fort's true legal owner, is issuing an open challenge to all who are interested._

 _Whosoever can successfully complete 3 Quests for the Queen of all Vampires shall be permitted to dwell within the fabled Tree Fort of Righteousness; or so says the tastefully decorated flyer._

 _Anyway, thinking that this could be the big break I've been looking for, I ran back to show Canyon what I'd learned. And to my great delight, she was just as excited about this as I was. Apparently she knows this Finn and Jake, and is quite familiar with their treehouse. She thinks it's the perfect place for us to live._

 _B-E-A-U-Tiful~_

 _Between my powers and Canyon's knowhow, knocking out three quests is gonna be a cinch._

 _At least that's what I thought until I read the fine print._

 _Apparently, this Vampire Queen isn't looking to waste her time on amateurs. So she's set up a little preliminary to weed out the losers. Anyone who wants to try must first kick in five Blood Opals, which according to Canyon are among the rarest stones on the continent._

 _Needless to say, I was quite disillusioned by this little detail, but Canyon told me not to worry. She says she knows a place where we can get Blood Opals and anything else we could ever need for practically nothing._

 _She's lived in Ooo her entire life, so I'm gonna trust her to know what she's talking about._

 _I'm gonna stay positive._

 ** _Day 39:_**

 _Canyon you suck so much._

 _Sorry, didn't mean to start off so salty._

 _Just a little pissed at my so-called teacher right now._

 _Remember that place Canyon told me about? The place where we could supposedly get five Blood Opals for 'practically nothing'?_

 _Well, that place turned out to be a Dungeon Train._

 _Like, a literal Dungeon Train._

 _As in a train full of monsters and traps and all sorts of other awful surprises._

 _Naturally, I wanted nothing to do with it. But Canyon assured me that this was_ _ **the**_ _place to get sick loot super-fast. And since I didn't have any better ideas, I decided what the hell._

 _Now, according to Canyon, the Train operates just like a video game; you get new weapons and treasure for every enemy you slay. However, certain items can only be obtained by completing specific achievements. In this case, you can only earn a Blood Opal by completing one full lap around the train; without getting off or stopping to sleep._

 _Seemed easy enough; just five times around._

 _Shouldn't take more than a day, right?_

 _WRONG!_

 _During my first run-through in that whirling nightmare factory, I ran into this loot-happy sicko and long story short he told me Canyon got it wrong. It takes one hundred consecutive laps to earn a Blood Opal, not just one._

 _So that meant I had to go through this frickin' meat grinder five hundred times just to get the stupid buy-in. And since Canyon was too big to fit through the doors, I had to do it all on my own._

 _Canyon you suck_ _ **so**_ _much!_

 _Oh well, at least it's over now._

 _I got the Blood Opals for the buy-in, plus a butt load of weapons, potions, and other treasures that I can sell for cash later._

 _So… I guess I can't be too mad at Canyon._

 _That big Zen goofball._

 _Anyway, gonna take a few days off before I head to the Vampire Kingdom._

 _My muscles are_ _ **sooooooooooooooooooo**_ _frickin' sore._

 ** _Day 42:_**

 _Good news!_

 _The Vampire Queen's challenge is still open._

 _Gotta admit, I was worried someone else had already won the coveted Tree House while I was stuck on that stupid Dungeon Train, but thank Glob, no one else has even earned enough for the buy-in._

 _Oh, BTW, that's something people say nowadays._

 _I don't get it either._

 _Anyway, after resting for a few days, Canyon and I headed straight for the Vampire Kingdom. Which BTW, is an architectural marvel. It's like stepping back in time to Ancient Egypt. And the Vampires themselves are quite remarkable too. Each one so completely different from the last. Which I guess makes sense, since Ooo's population is so widely diverse, and Vampirism is spread in much the same way as a virus; no offense, should this book ever fall into Vampiric hands._

 _The Vampire Queen herself, however, was somewhat disappointing._

 _Don't get me wrong. She's undeniably beautiful. And the fact that she came up with this elaborate challenge in the first place proves that she's clever. But her personality… well… it just does nothing for me. Too posh and dignified for my liking. She wasn't rude or anything, mind you, she just gives off this vibe, you know. Like she's got that skewed worldview that can only come from a lifetime of easy living._

 _I don't dislike her or anything, I just think she's dull._

 _Personally, I found her assistant infinitely more interesting. Her name is Bonnie and she's a lifeform composed entirely out of chewing gum. Not a vampire; interestingly enough. Probably a neat story behind why. Must remember to ask next time I see her._

 _Anyway, after the Queen accepted my buy-in, she had Bonnie escort us to our rooms. Along the way we started talking and, although I hate to be presumptuous, I'd like to think we became fast friends. She works as the Queen's assistant, but her true passion is science. She told me that much of her free time is devoted to research and experimentation, in the hopes of unlocking the mysteries of life and the universe. A noble endeavor if there ever was one._

 _I must say, I find Bonnie's dedication to her work, as well as her overall personality, most endearing. And in a way, I feel like I've known her all my life._

 _Weird, huh?_

 _Anyway, I start my 1_ _st_ _Quest tomorrow, I guess I'd better get some sleep._

 _Something tells me I'm gonna need it._

 ** _Day 45:_**

 _1_ _st_ _Quest complete._

 _Wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it'd be, but it was still quite challenging._

 _Hold on, I'm getting ahead of myself again._

 _Let's rewind._

 _Several months ago, the Vampire Queen's beloved father, King Simon of Ice, was the victim of a burglary. He wasn't home at the time, and no one else was hurt, but the thief made off with an extremely rare collectable; a book entitled "Ninjas of Ice: The Art of Fridjitzu"._

 _The book is apparently of great importance to her father, so for my 1_ _st_ _Quest, the Queen asked me to retrieve it and if possible, punish the 'jerk-wad' responsible._

 _Seemed simple enough._

 _Canyon and I set out that afternoon. We went to the Duchy of Nuts first. Started asking questions; turning over rocks. No luck. From there we repeated the process in every township we came across, but every time it was the same story. I was beginning to think this was a waste of time, until I overheard two travelers talking about a tournament being held in a place called Wizard City. Apparently, said tournament was creating quite a buzz in the magical community due to its grand prize; a rare, mint condition ice ninja manual._

 _Bingo~_

 _Finding Wizard City was easy, thanks to some directions from a helpful racewalker. And with my powers, it was easy to convince the guards that I was one of them. Unfortunately, Canyon had to wait outside. Evidently, these wizards are secretive to the point of paranoid. 'Wizards Only, Fools' as they like to say._

 _Once inside, it didn't take long to find the spot where the tournament was being held, and before I knew it, I was registered and ready to go. Unfortunately, I soon learned that this was not a magic based tournament like I'd assumed, but rather it was for a game called Card Wars. A game I'd never heard of and knew nothing about._

 _What's the opposite of Bingo?_

 _Luckily, in an attempt to make the tournament more exciting, the committee running it added a new rule this year, requiring all contestants to use randomly assigned, preset decks instead of their own; thus, providing me with a means of playing and putting me on equal ground with my competition._

 _But still, I did not know the rules. So, I watched the first few matches very closely to try and learn the basics. The rules are… confusing, to say the least. But by the time my turn came up, I had gleaned enough to fake it._

 _Round 1 I won completely by accident. I dropped the card I was trying to discard, but it turned out to be exactly the one I needed to win. Round 2 ended in a stalemate, which normally would mean we had to start over, but my opponent got pissed off and went home, so I was declared the winner. By Round 3 I'd gotten the hang of this crazy game, but even then, I only won by the skin of my teeth. Round 4 was a little better, but I feel that my victory had more to do with my opponent's unfamiliarity with his deck than my skills._

 _Before I knew it, I was in the finals; up against a shifty looking fellow by the name of Laser Wizard. Things were pretty dicey there for a while. It was clear this guy was a pro. But in the end, I managed to pull a rabbit out of my hat and come out on top._

 _And to the victor go the spoils. The Ice Ninja Manual was mine. Laser Wizard tried to take it from me while I was leaving the city, but Canyon beat him into the ground like a tent pole._

 _What a jackass._

 _Anyway, when we got back to the palace, the Queen was waiting for us in her throne room, along with her father. To my surprise, he turned out to be the flying man I'd seen a few weeks ago._

 _Overall, I found him quite pleasant. Very jovial and good-natured; if not a bit nutty. When I returned his book to him, he was so happy he ran up to give me a hug._

 _It was… nice._

 _I don't know why, but seeing him so happy made me happy too._

 _Maybe I'm just that good of a person._

 ** _Day 48:_**

 _Quest 2 was to deliver a package to the Princess of the Slime Kingdom out in the desert._

 _Compared to that ridiculous Card Wars Tournament, it was a relatively uneventful trip._

 _Granted, distance was a factor, and the desert was fraught with its own unique perils, but I had Canyon to help me, so it was no big thing._

 _However, when I returned to the royal palace with the letter of confirmation from Slime Princess, I accidentally walked in on the Queen as she was… uh… 'playing' with her three wives in her… uh… 'Pleasure Chamber'._

 ** _That_** _was a big thing._

 _A big, awkward, unpleasant thing._

 _She, of course, understood that it was an accident, and forgave me right away. But I still couldn't bring myself to look in her in eyes._

 _It was just_ _ **way**_ _too awkward._

 _Later on, I talked with Bonnie about what happened, and she was most sympathetic._

 _I get the feeling she's been in my shoes more than once._

 _However, when I made a comment about how that sort of decadence is to be expected from someone who's had a life as easy as the Queen's, she got angry and punched me hard in the stomach._

 _When I asked her what her problem was she told me._

 _Oh boy, did she tell me._

 _She told me a long, sad, beautiful story._

 _About the Queen._

 _About her Father._

 _And about herself._

 _A pinkie swear forbids me from divulging any details, but by the time she was finished I was deeply, deeply ashamed of myself._

 _Bonnie seemed for sense this, and forgave me for the comment._

 _She's more empathetic than most people._

 _She's also more passionate._

 _My gut still hurts._

 ** _Day 51:_**

 _For my final Quest, the Vampire Queen asked me to capture a Sea Dragon from the Sea of Sure Death and bring it back to her throne room alive._

 _A tall order._

 _But unlike with the first two Quests, this time I had a plan._

 _Using one of the potions I earned while on the Dungeon Train, I intended to shrink one of these beasts to the size of a garter snake and then trap it in a goldfish bowl._

 _The Queen said it had to be alive, she didn't say it had to be its natural size._

 _In recognition for completing the first two Quests in such a timely manner, Her Majesty has very sportingly allowed us the use of her private yacht, the HMS Bat Babe. Fortunately for me, Canyon knows how to sail._

 _Anyway, to make a long story short, after we set off from Ooo's southwestern shore, it took about nine hours before we finally spotted our elusive prey._

 _However, we quickly learned that we weren't the only ones out hunting today. Our mighty Sea Dragon was being pursued by a band of short, harpoon wielding marauders. I briefly toyed with the idea of jumping in to save it, but this was soon rendered moot. For before I could even raise my hand to fire a shot, the great serpent used some sort of magic to summon a powerful maelstrom to destroy his would-be slayers._

 _Needless to say, I was worried._

 _But luckily, my fears were soon put to rest when the sea dragon in question swam up to apologize for nearly killing us._

 _Wasn't expecting it to be sentient, but whatever._

 _Anyway, after it apologized, the sea dragon introduced itself as Whipple and asked us what we were doing so far out to sea. Sensing no hostility from the creature, I told him the truth about our Quest and about the reward that awaits us should we succeed. To my surprise, this news seemed to excite the great serpent._

 _Whipple went on to explain that he's had a run of bad luck recently and that he thinks moving to dry land will be a nice change of pace. So he offered us a deal. He'll allow us to shrink him and take him back to the Vampire Kingdom, if we agree to let him move in with us once we win the Tree Fort._

 _Naturally, I was hesitant to strike a deal with yet another perfect stranger, but Canyon said she had a good feeling about him, so I reluctantly accepted._

 _Strangely enough, things seemed to have worked out for the best. On the ride back, Whipple told me about his aspirations to become an author, and I must say I find many of his ideas quite fascinating; especially his concept for a children's book about anthropomorphic salt and pepper shakers. Something tells me this arrangement is gonna work out just fine._

 ** _Day 52:_**

 _We hit a squall line on our way back to the rendezvous point. No serious damage to the boat, but we had to take the long way to get there._

 _However, once we finally made it to the Lost Cliffs, the Queen was overjoyed._

 _She said she was most impressed by our ingenuity, and even more so by my penchant for making friends wherever I go._

 _So, in the most regal voice she could muster, Her Royal Highness declared us the winners of her challenge, and officially declared us 'righteous' enough to live in the fabled Treehouse of Heroes._

 _At long last, my ordeal is over._

 _No more wandering._

 _No more sleeping outdoors._

 _I finally have a place to call my own._

 _And more importantly, I've got a couple of great friends to share it with._

 _I tell ya, life just doesn't get much better than this._

To Be Concluded in Part 3.

 _1) After spending over a year and a half remaking the Candy Kingdom in her own image, Flame Queen returned to her homeland triumphant; along with her beloved husband Prince-Regent Cinnamon Bun, his Royal Steed Jake II, and her new Royal Pet Timmy. In her absence, FQ has placed the Kingdom under the stewardship of Viceroy Root Beer Guy, who now resides in the Royal Palace alongside his wife Lady Cherry Cream Soda._

 _2) As you may recall, sometime ago, Finn and Pakhet started talking about moving in together. Well, since the vampire huntress didn't want to move into what she called a 'Boy's Clubhouse', and since the Hero of Ooo was a little too eager to please his lady love, they eventually settled on a little place on the edge of the Forest of Trees. Naturally, Finn wanted to leave the Tree Fort to his brother Jake, but since Jake didn't want to live alone with just BMO and NEPTR, he eventually moved in with Lady Rainicorn and the two robots were divided between them. Now, since Marceline is technically the legal owner of the Tree Fort and since she didn't want just any loser crashing in it, she devised this little challenge to find someone worthy enough to take Finn and Jake's place._

See you in the next one and thanks for reading. Peace.


	14. Chapter 14: Prospero's Journal: Part 3

Here's the third and final instalment of the Prospero Arc. After this I'll begin working on my new Star Vs series. But in the meantime, Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network, now enjoy.

Chapter 14: Prospero's Journal: Part 3.

 ** _Day 60:_**

 _Firstly, I'd like to apologize for the schmaltzy way I chose to end my last entry. I was really tired when I wrote all that stuff, and I was just_ _ **so**_ _relieved that the Queen decided to meet us halfway and didn't make us lug Whipple all the way back to her palace._

 _So… you know, that's my explanation for that._

 _Anyway, we moved into our new place about a week ago and the first thing I noticed was that this treehouse is nowhere near big enough for Canyon to fit inside. Fortunately, this doesn't seem to be an issue, as my giant teacher seems content to sleep in the shade. Apparently, she's not as sick of living outdoors as she thought. Go figure._

 _At any rate, since the previous owners took all their furniture with them when they left, I had to do a little shopping. Which was pretty easy, since I had so much loot left over from the Dungeon Train. Did the whole place up in a short of pseudo Oliver Haddo motif. I've converted one of the storage rooms into an Astronomy Tower, the other into a Potion Laboratory, the old trophy room into a Private Study, and the ground floor into a Library/Workspace._

 _Did I mention that I'm seriously getting into this whole wizard thing?_

 _Because I am._

 _Because it's awesome._

 _I'm a frickin' wizard now, baby._

 _I love the future!_

 _I also bought a large saltwater tank for Whipple, which is now on display in the aforementioned Library. The little guy seems quite happy down there. Amongst all the literature._

 _Anyway, now that we're all settled in, Canyon says we can start my training tomorrow._

 _For which, I am super excited._

 _Did I mention that I love the future?_

 ** _Day 63:_**

 _Been at my wizard training for a few days now, and I must say, with all possible objectivity, I am crushing it._

 _These powers. They flow from me so naturally now. It's as if they've been with me my whole life. Which, in a sense, isn't entirely inaccurate._

 _Though, personally, I'd like to think Canyon's exceptional teaching skills have the most to do with my progress. I mean, for the most part she's pretty easy going. She lets me pick what I wanna learn and when/how I wanna learn it. But at the same time, she puts her foot down if she thinks something's too advanced or too dangerous. A tender touch and a firm hand. What else could I expect from a Zen master like her?_

 _Anyway, I'll be recording the details of my training in my other journal from now on. But I'll share this one little tidbit here since its of such deep personal importance to me._

 _On day one of my training, Canyon suggested that I make a Focus; some kind of seal or object through which to channel and better direct my power. Thinking back to my namesake, I decided that a staff would be most appropriate. So to that end, I cut off a loose branch of the Treehouse and carved it into a walking stick. Then I topped it off with a large sapphire I got from the Dungeon Train._

 _It's not pretty, but it works._

 _And more importantly, for centuries to come, grandfathers will tell their grandchildren about the Amazing Prospero and her Magnificent Staff of Power._

 _Prospero the Magnificent._

 _Prospero the Ice Witch of the Grass Lands._

 _Prospero the Good Witch of the Plains._

 _Did I mention I'm seriously getting into this whole Wizard thing?_

 ** _Day 65:_**

 _Interesting day today._

 _Read an article online about these rare mushrooms that grow in the Evil Dark Forest. Supposedly they can be used to make Invisibility Potions. Sounded cool, so I went out to pick some._

 _However, on the way I got sidetracked by this really cool looking gated garden. Feeling curious, I decided to check it out. Only instead of flowers, I found doughnuts growing on all the bushes inside._

 _Naturally, I took a few jelly-filled for the road. But then the owner of the garden, a very old, very angry witch showed up to yell at me._

 _I offered to pay for them, but she was totally livid._

 _She tried to curse me, so I encased her in ice and ran away._

 _There's a heatwave expected tomorrow, so she'll probably thaw out by then._

 _And she was pretty slow with that cane, so I don't think she'll come after me._

 _Still, I think I'll avoid that whole area from now on._

 _Meh, who wants to be invisible anyway._

 ** _Day 68:_**

 _On a whim, I paid a visit to King Simon today._

 _Not really sure why. Guess I just felt like being neighborly. I mean, his Kingdom_ _ **is**_ _just a stone's throw away from my Conservatory, after all._

 _That's what I'm calling the Tree Fort now, BTW._

 _The Conservatory._

 _Anyway, I've been made aware of Simon's… proclivities regarding beautiful woman, but his daughter the Vampire Queen assured me that the new medication she has him on keeps his more… kidnappy habits under control._

 _Besides, I had Canyon tag along, just in case._

 _Not that I ended up needing her or anything. We just played video games and stuff all afternoon._

 _It was fun._

 _Canyon had fun too playing with all the penguins._

 _She's… she's really into penguins._

 _Like…_ _ **really**_ _into them._

 _To the point that its almost creepy._

 _Eh, whatever._

 _Simon's a pretty cool guy. You know, for a crazy old man._

 _I don't know why, but being around him just feels… right for some reason._

 _Almost like I've known him for years._

 _I wonder what I should have for dinner tonight._

 _That macaroni's gonna go bad if I don't eat it._

 _Wait, why am I writing this down instead of just thinking it?_

 ** _Day 71:_**

 _Took a trip to the Fire Kingdom today._

 _Canyon needed some of their famous Sandalwood Scented Candles, and since I had never been I offered to get them for her._

 _Overall, I'd say the place certainly lives up to its name._

 _Lots of… fire, all over the place._

 _Fortunately, I met a friendly little fire creature on the outskirts of the Kingdom who agreed to cast a Flame Shield Spell on me so I wouldn't, you know, burn and die._

 _Once inside, I quickly learned that honesty is the law of the land in these parts. Lies and secrets are considered illegal within the boundaries of the Fire Kingdom._

 _Meh, no big deal, right? I mean, I've got no reason to lie and the only secrets I have are kept secret from me. So I should be fine as long as I just tell the truth._

 _Or so I thought._

 _After purchasing the candles at the local marketplace, I accidentally bumped into the ruler of this fiery domain, Her Royal Highness, Flame Queen herself._

 _She's a little younger than I was expecting, based on her reputation, and a whole lot rounder too. Apparently, she suffers from a rather embarrassing eating disorder. Poor dear._

 _Anyway, after I apologized, we started talking and for a while it was pretty nice. I find her sweetness very becoming and a nice contrast to her Kingdom's unwelcoming visage. And in some strange way, I feel like I've known her forever._

 _However, things took a sudden unexpected turn when the subject of what we were each doing in the marketplace came up. I told her about the candles for my teacher, and she revealed to me that she's looking for a holistic cure for her eating disorder; in the hopes of one day returning to her original size._

 _Wanting to cheer up my new friend, and in keeping with the Kingdom's strict rules about honesty, I politely told her not to worry so much about her appearance because, and I'm quoting myself on this one, "Fat people can be cute too"._

 _Flame Queen did not respond well._

 _In fact, she punched me hard in the stomach and told me I was permanently banished from her domain._

 _The rules of this Kingdom are extremely unclear._

 ** _Day 73:_**

 _Couldn't sleep last night, so I went out for a walk around midnight._

 _About an hour in, I came across two strange figures making out under the stars._

 _One was a man in a white suit with a skull for a head._

 _The other was a woman in a brown dress with two snakes for heads._

 _After unintentionally interrupting their make out session, the two introduced themselves as Life and Death._

 _Wasn't sure if what was happening was real or not, so I decided to play it cool._

 _I asked them if meeting them like this meant it was my time to die._

 _Death just laughed and said, "Nah, we're just on a date"._

 _Then he asked me if I was afraid of him._

 _I just shrugged and said, "Not really."_

 _He laughed again._

 _Said I was different from all the other Ice Elementals._

 _Said I was politer than Evergreen and braver than Patience._

 _No idea what he was on about, but I thanked him for the compliment._

 _Still not sure if it really happened or not, but it makes for a good ghost story just the same._

 _Note to Self: Remember to buy marshmallows and chocolate for smores later._

 ** _Day 76:_**

 _Had a sudden craving for hot chocolate today._

 _Didn't have any mix at home, so I went to a local coffeeshop instead._

 _While I was there I ran into Slime Princess and somehow, we struck up a conversation._

 _It's strange. Much like with Bonnie and Flame Queen, I got the unexplainable feeling that I've known her all my life. Luckily, this time my encounter didn't end with someone punching me in the stomach._

 _Anyway, eventually our conversation turned to the subject of dreams, and for some reason I felt comfortable sharing some of my recurring nightmares with SP. Specifically, the one about me murdering someone in New York._

 _When I expressed my concerns about this being a memory from my former life, she told me not to worry. SP claims to know a thing or two about dreams and says that dreams are very rarely as literal as they appear._

 _For example, she shared one of her recurring dreams about making out with the hero Finn. She claims that the dream doesn't necessarily mean she's in love with Finn, but rather that she's attracted to strong, powerful men of action._

 _I suppose this makes sense._

 _But if my dream isn't a real memory, then what does it mean?_

 _SP seems to think that my dreams are a manifestation of guilt and that the act of murder might actually be a metaphor for some other heinous action. Like perhaps betraying someone close to me or leaving someone I care about behind._

 _Sounds kinda iffy to me._

 _But I'd rather believe that than that I used to be a serial killer or something._

 ** _Day 81:_**

 _Had interesting dream last night._

 _This one different from the others._

 _In it, four people are arguing in a high tower._

 _A Pink King._

 _A Red Queen._

 _A Green Knight._

 _And a Blue Fool._

 _They are arguing because a giant comet is heading straight towards them. Death is almost certain._

 _The King, Queen, and Knight accept that the end is near, but not the Fool._

 _The Fool is brash and arrogant._

 _The Fool mocks the others for their complacency and strives to save his own neck._

 _But his efforts are all in vain._

 _The comet comes and destroys all life._

 _The King, Queen, and Knight die peacefully in their sleep._

 _But the Fool is wide awake._

 _The Fool feels every sensation as the comet's energy rips his atoms apart._

 _The Fool dies alone and scared._

 _Weird dream._

 _Wonder what it means._

End Notes:

Sorry, no worldbuilding bonus notes this time. Next time for sure. I promise. Anyway, I hoped you liked this little story arc and I'll see you when I think up another one. Until then, Peace.


	15. Chapter 15: Snowball in a Jar

I meant to write two chapters for VampKingdom while taking a break from Star vs, but I got sidetracked writing this one-shot for Storm Hawks that got WAY too dark for my liking. So, I shelved that one indefinitely. Anyway, Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Blah, Blah, Blah. Enjoy.

Chapter 15: Snowball in a Jar.

In general, Bonnibel had few complaints about the New Marceline.

Oh sure, she was a bit more of a girly girl than the original and she no longer knew how to play the bass, but in her heart of hearts she was pretty much the same.

Still passionate about her music.

Still devoted to her people.

Still carrying that ever so charming air of mischief about her.

Heck, 95% of the time, she couldn't even tell that Marceline had gone through a profound spiritual metamorphosis.

Today, however, was part of the other 5%.

"Aww~ Well aren't you just my cutesy wootsy widdle Sweetie Pie~"

"Oh~ And you're my cuddly wuddly widdle Pookie Bear~"

Bonnie had to physically force herself not to vomit.

It was a hot summer day in the Grass Lands as the trio slowly trekked across the plains. Well, she was trekking, Marceline was just sort of floating along while Georgette, who was currently in the form of a purple French poodle, was enjoying a cozy ride in her arms.

But alas, I diverge from the point.

What matters is that the three girls were alone together and that one of them was _this_ close to strangling the other two.

You see, ever since the Vampire Queen had been blessed by the Ritual of the Third Bride, her personality had taken a bit of a turn. Now, most of the time it was barely noticeable, but every so often, Marceline would get into a certain mood, in which her newfound sweet and girly disposition would reach an almost sickening level; usually triggered by either intense sexual arousal or by skipping a meal.

In this case, it was the former.

But in either case, it would quickly subside once her needs were satisfied.

Nothing to do until then, except grin, bare it, and thank Glob that she had had a light breakfast.

"Oh yeah~ Well, you're my snuggly wuggly widdle Georgie Poo~"

"Well, you're my nummy wummy widdle snickerdoodle~"

"Well, you're my fuzzy wuzzy…"

"Your Majesty!" Bonnie said suddenly, in a desperate bid to save her sanity. "So sorry to interrupt your… whatever, but you never actually told me what Prospero's summons was all about."

"Oh, that's right. Sorry, I'm such a silly sauce today." The Vampire Queen replied with a saccharine giggle that made the former princess dry heave. "Anyway, all her note said was that she's made some kind of huge breakthrough and that she needs the two of us to head over to her Conservatory ASAP."

"Okay… then why did you bring her?"

"Because I've been neglecting my poor widdle poodle puff lately, and I thought she might like a little extra attention. Isn't that right, Poopsie~"

"You bet, Shnookums~" the Vampire Princess replied, nuzzling her Queen's bosom affectionately.

Bonnie was about to say something, most likely something derogatory, when she noticed she'd stepped in something cold and wet.

"What the…"

But the words died in her throat as the young assistant was met with an unbelievable sight.

Snow.

She was standing in roughly six inches of snow.

In the middle of summer.

But more than that, it appeared as though the entire area before her had been transformed into a pristine winter landscape; complete with a frozen pond and a thick layer of clouds hanging overhead that plotted out the sun. And at the center of it all was the looming, snow-covered structure currently known as the Conservatory.

"Whoa… Prospero's been busy." Marceline said in astonishment as she folded up her royal parasol. "Guess I won't be needing this."

"What the nuts?" Bonnie muttered bewilderedly. "I mean, _what_ the actually **_nuts_**?"

" ** _SNOW_** ~" Georgette cried giddily as she leaped from her beloved's arms and started frolicking in the clean white powder. "Marcy! Marcy, come play with me!"

"Maybe later, Poopsie. Right now, Bonnie and I need to go see Prospero. But you go right ahead with what you're doing."

" _Okay_ ~"

And with that, the purple vampire poodle scampered off into the snow.

"Aww~ Isn't she just the cutest widdle thing~"

"Yeah, so cute it's gut-wrenching."

Marceline opened her mouth to say something, but whatever it was died in her throat as a loud, jazzy voice filled the air.

" ** _OH~ Have you ever met that funny Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Have you ever met that Funny Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _If he trades you dimes for nickels, and calls watermelons pickles~_** "

" ** _Then you know you've met that funny Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Reefer Man~_** "

The voice was smooth and, for lack of a better word, sexy, and it seemed to be coming from the top floor of the Tree Fort.

" ** _Have you ever met that funny Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Have you ever met that funny Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _If he thinks Wall Street is frantic, 'cause they won't sell the Atlantic~_** "

" ** _Then you know you've met that funny Reefer Man~_** "

" ** _Reefer Man~_** "

Then, just as mysteriously as it arrived, the voice suddenly went away; leaving the two girls dazed and confused.

"What the _heck_ was that?" asked Bonnie bemusedly.

"Oh, that was probably just Stultus." A familiar, mellow voice answered from close by. "He likes to sing a lot."

To no one's surprise, the voice was revealed to be that of Canyon; who at the moment appeared to be sunbathing against the house in a lime green bikini.

"Oh, hey Canyon." Marceline said politely. "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Nah, it's cool. I was so busy chillin' I didn't see you guys either."

"But aren't you cold?"

"Nah, my ancestors came to this dimension from the frozen realm of Jotunheim. So for me this is like beach weather."

"Oh, okay. I guess that makes sense."

"Who's Stultus?" Bonnie asked, sounding unintentionally blunt.

"Don't worry, you'll meet him soon enough." The blue giant said with a sly wink. "Oh, hey, I need to announce you guys. Master's gonna be so happy."

And with that, the bucktoothed Jotun started lightly rapping her giant fist against the main trunk.

"Lady Prospero~ Oh, Lady Prospero~"

"Yes~" replied a familiar voice from somewhere deep inside the treehouse.

"Vampire Queen and Lady Bonnibel have finally arrived, Your Magnificence.'

"Ah, splendid. Show them in, won't you."

"At once, My Master." The blue giant said, as she reached down and gently opened the front door. "Right this way, ladies."

"Thank you, Canyon." Marceline answered sweetly, before floating right on through.

Bonnie followed close behind, but something kept tugging at her from the back of her mind. Just moments ago, they had been on the edge of Prospero's territory and then without realizing it they'd reached the front door. It was as if her brain had shut off while her body kept going. And what was with that mysterious singing? It didn't sound like anyone she knew? And who was this Stultus person Canyon mentioned?

So many questions.

But now that she was inside, she could hopefully get some answers.

As she followed her mistress towards the stairwell, Bonnibel took a moment to examine the ground floor. Prospero had certainly done a good job converting Finn and Jake's old treasure horde into a library. Nothing but bookshelves and workbenches as far as the eye could see. In the far corner, she saw a large fish tank, in which swam a small, green lizard like creature; Whipple, if she remembered correctly.

However, what really caught her eye was the series of diagrams pinned to the walls. Most of them appeared to be complex mandalalike arrays with little shorthand notes scribbled beside them. But one, by way of contrast, was almost childishly simple. Just a circle divided into four pieces; each marked with an unfamiliar symbol accompanied by a word.

King.

Queen.

Knight.

Fool.

Very strange indeed. And the 'young' scientist probably would've devoted a great deal of thought to this mystery, had she not turned her head and caught sight of something even more alarming.

On the far side of the room, there was an array similar to the ones on the wall painted on the floor with a large red stain in the middle.

Something told her it wasn't red wine.

"Oh my Glob…" Bonnibel muttered in hushed horror before turning to her mistress. "Marceline! Marceline, look over…"

But it was too late. The Vampire Queen had already gone up to the second floor.

In a panic, the former princess hurried up the stairs to catch her.

"MARCELINE!"

"Yes, Bonnie?" her old friend asked sweetly, making her realize what a mistake she'd just made.

Without thinking, Bonnie had burst into a room full of people, screaming at the top of her lungs.

Just the latest in a long line of public faux pas.

"Um… nothing. Never mind." She replied as her face lit up like a furnace.

As she silently moved along to take a seat beside her mistress, the former princess mentally chastised herself for jumping to conclusions like that. I mean, this was Prospero they were talking about. Prospero, who drinks hot chocolate and writes fanfiction with Ice King. For Glob's sake, the woman cuts the crust off her own sandwiches. There's no way she'd be involved in anything sinister or otherworldly. She probably just painted that symbol on the floor because she thought it looked cool. And that 'blood' was probably fruit punch or something.

Yeah, that made sense… right?

"Ugh… can't she go one day without making a spectacle of herself?" asked a hushed but familiar voice.

It was Her Royal Roundness, Flame Queen, whispering to her dearly devoted backstabbing hubby, Prince-Regent Cinnamon Bun. Bonnie had heard about Prospero's disastrous jaunt into the Fire Kingdom some time ago. But based on her presence, it looked like she was willing to bury the hatchet.

Just hopefully not in the Ice Witch's head.

On the couch next to them sat the short but sweet Slime Princess and… Finn?

No, not Finn, but a reasonable facsimile thereof.

A facsimile made of slime.

"Hey, PB. Long time no see." Said Slime Princess pleasantly, before her cheeks turned a slightly darker green. "Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot."

"No, no, it's fine. I'm glad to see you too, SP." The 'young' scientist said reassuringly, before shifting her focus towards the slimy simulacrum. "So, um… who's your… er… friend?"

"Oh, that's right, you wouldn't 've heard. PB… uh… I mean, Bonnie, this is Slurm, my new boyfriend. Say hello, Slurm."

"Hey, Bonnie. Nice to meet you." Said the doppelganger in a voice that only vaguely resembled that of the original.

"Yes… it's very nice to me you too." She replied, doing her best to sound polite. "So… um… how did you two, uh… meet?"

"Oh, funny story, you're gonna love this. So, a couple weeks ago, I was having lunch with Jake and Lady. And then they took me to meet Jake's friend Prismo. One thing led to another, and I used my one wish to make this handsome fellow."

"That's right. And I used my one wish to make a box of chocolates for this hot mama."

"Oh, you~ _Eskimo Kisses_ ~"

And from there, the two slime creatures proceeded to rub their nonexistent noses together in a sickeningly cute display of affection.

"Aww~ That's so adorable~" said Marceline, still under the influence of her hormones. "I hope you two have as much happiness as I have with my three sweetie pies."

And yet again, Bonnibel had to force herself not to vomit.

But fortunately, this little lovefest was quickly cut short, as a loud and boisterous voice filled the air.

"Ladies and Gentlemen~ Mesdames et Messieurs~ Damen und Herren~ Thanks so much for coming." Said the ethereal voice of the Ice Witch; sounding as cheerfully verbose as ever. "Now prepare to be **_amazed_**!"

Just then, a bright flash erupted from the center of the room; blinding everyone in the vicinity. Moments later, when the dust settled, Prospero was standing before them.

The big ham.

"My friends, today is a red-letter day in the history of our fair land." She said overdramatically. "Today is a day that will live on forever in the halls of… you know what, where are my manners. Can I offer anyone a drink? Maybe some nice hot chocolate. FQ, I think… I think I've got some lighter fluid laying around here somewhere. I… I don't really know what Fire People eat."

"I'll take some of that hot chocolate."

"Simon! What the hell are you doing out of bed?"

For a split second, Bonnibel was confused about what exactly was going on. But that soon passed as the familiar form of the Ice King stumbled into the center of the room; looking much paler than usual.

"Poppa!" Marceline shouted worriedly. "Poppa, are you alright?"

"He's fine." Prospero interceded, clearly trying to play this intrusion off as no big thing. "He's just a little woozy, that's all. Nothing to worry about. Heh-heh… _Simon, for the love of Glob, get back in bed before you hurt yourself_."

"Aw~ But I wanna show everyone the thing we made." The old wizard whined childishly.

" _I'm_ showing them the thing. _You_ need your rest."

"But I can't sleep~ He keeps waking me up with all his singing~"

"Fine! You can stay. Just… go sit over there with Vampire Queen."

"Yay~" the frozen monarch yelled excitedly, before stumbling over to join Bonnie and his 'daughter' on the antique couch.

Now, as a scientist and serial meddler, Bonnie was curious about the nature/origin of the Ice King's drunken demeanor. However, any inquiry she might've made was instantly killed by her mistress' overzealous concern.

"Poppa, are you okay? What happened to you?"

"Hey, it's all good, baby. Nothin' to worry about. Just a little sleepy from all that blood Prostro took from me."

"She did WHAT?"

"Whoa-Whoa-Whoa-Whoa-Whoa! Hey, easy there, VQ." Prospero cut in, obviously seeing her train of thought. "Look, I know what you're thinking, but I swear it's not like that. I needed some of Simon's blood for an experiment, but I promise it was totally consensual. And I didn't even take that much. It was only like a liter… ish."

"A **_LITER_**!"

"What's a liter?"

"About nine gills."

"What's a gill?"

"Simon, you're not helping."

" ** _You_**! You took my Poppa's **_blood_**!"

Bonnie's heart started racing. With Marceline's hormones already unbalanced by her lust, the introduction of anger into the equation could prove quite disastrous. For herself and for everyone else in the room.

"Look, Your Majesty, I swear I didn't mean any harm. And it was all for a worthy cause." Prospero said nervously as the Vampire Queen started to move towards her.

" _Worthy cause_?" she roared furiously. "What worthy cause?"

"This one~"

Another bright flash filled the room. Only this time, when the smoke cleared, everything was the same; except that now Prospero was holding what appeared to be a large mason jar. Inside said jar, was, believe it or not, a medium sized snowball suspended in some kind of clear viscous fluid.

Everyone was frozen in place; completely flummoxed by this bizarre turn of events. But before anyone could try to question it, a large purple eye opened on the frozen slush ball; followed swiftly by an even larger mouth. Then, much to everyone's amazement, the little orb started to sing.

" ** _OH~ When your Sweetie tells you, everything's gonna be okay~ Just Skee-Beep-Ba-Ba-Bop-Ba-Deep-Ba-Day~_** "

" ** _When you feel like shoutin', advertise it just this way~ Skee-Boop-Pa-Scat-A-Lat-Skeetie-Beedie-Ho-Di-Ho-Skeetie-Deedie-WHOOOOOOOA~_** "

No one even tried to articulate a response.

"Speechless ain't 'cha." The little snowball said cockily. "Yes, I do have that effect on people."

"What… the… _what_?" Bonnie spoke up; speaking for almost everyone in the room.

"I know, pretty cool right." Prospero chimed in excitedly. "Everybody, meet Stultus, my Ice Homunculus."

"Your Ice _what_?"

"Homunculus, Bonnie. An artificial lifeform made entirely out of ice and snow. Isn't he great? I just made him this morning."

"You… you made that… that… _thing_?"

"Bonnie, don't be rude." The Ice Witch said chastisingly. "He's very sensitive. Aren't you, Shnookums."

" ** _HE-E-E-E-E-E-LO~_** " the little slush ball sang ebulliently. "Oh, sweet Skee-Biddie-Skee-Ba-Da-Dow~ I'm in heaven, baby. Hot babes as far as the eye can see."

"Well, aren't you the little charmer." Said Slime Princess, blushing a little from the complement.

"He oughta be, I made him from Simon's blood and a piece of my witchy essence."

"You **_what_**?"

"Will you stop doing that!" Flame Queen said cuttingly. "You don't always have to be the center of attention, you know. This is Prospero's achievement and I think you should show her the proper respect."

"Ah, and you must be Flame Queen." Stultus spoke up once again; his smooth jazzy voice dripping with sycophantism. "I gotta say, you are one hot tamale. Better watch out CB or I might just steal her from you. **_HEY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH~_** But seriously though, I kid. I kid because I love. **_LOOK OUT~_** "

Everyone in the room suddenly burst into laughter at this display.

Everyone except Bonnie and Marceline, the later of whom still seemed to be frozen in shock.

"Aww~ He's so adorable." Cooed Slime Princess.

"Yeah, he's awesome." Said Slurm. "But why is he so small?"

"Well, he's only been alive for about sixteen hours." The Ice Witch explained. "It'll take a few months for his body to fully develop. But hey, good things are worth the wait."

"Um… excuse me." Bonnibel spoke up suddenly. "Am I the only one who sees the potential danger here. Prospero, you've created an entirely new form of life. There's no way of knowing how this will all turn out. I mean, for all we know that thing could grow to the size of a mountain. It could eat babies and breathe anthrax. Why did you even make that thing in the first place?"

"I don't know, I just thought it might be cool." She answered bluntly. "And for the record, he's not a thing. His name is Stultus and I expect you to remember it."

"Yeah, Bubblegum. Since when are you so cautious?" asked Flame Queen derisively. "I mean, your entire career as a Princess is littered with incidents involving your sugary creations. And Stultus is far more charming than anything you've ever cooked up. I think you're just jealous."

"What? That's not… I don't even… UGH! Marceline, will you help me out here?"

But the Vampire Queen did no such thing. She didn't even acknowledge that her faithful assistant was still in the room. Instead, she just turned her gaze towards Prospero and asked,

"So, wait… If you made Stultus from parts of you and Poppa, does that… does that mean he's your baby?"

"Uh… I never really thought about it that way, but yeah, I guess you could call him that."

"But that… that's _wonderful_!"

Oh good Grod.

With her anger long forgotten, Marceline's condition had taken over once again; reducing her to a giddy, giggling, girly girl.

"Aw~ He's just so rooty tooty cutie poo~" she said sickeningly as she started nuzzling the glass jar with her cheek. "You're just my sweet adorable widdle baby brother~ Yes you are~ Yes you are~"

Bonnie just sighed defeatedly as her former lover continued to degrade herself in public.

It was obvious that in her present state, Marceline was going to be no help at all.

"Whoa, easy on the merchandise, babe." The little snowball said half-jokingly. "This thing's a rental, you dig?"

"Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away." The Vampire Queen said embarrassedly. "I'm just so happy that Poppa might finally have a family of his own."

"Oh, I feel you, sweetheart. And to show you there's no hard feelings, how's about I treat you hep cats to another of my _groovy_ tunes?"

"Sure, I'd love to hear you sing." Marceline replied giddily, and the rest of the room, minus Bonnie, all nodded in agreement.

"Okay, this next one goes out to my pops, Simon, King of the Ice, Baby~ Skee-Bop-A-Doo~ And a one, and a two, and a three…"

" ** _OH~ With his long white beard and a crooked staff~ He tramps along while the folks all laugh~ But with a twinkle in his eye, he passes them by~ Old Man of the Mountain~_** "

" ** _Well he wears long hair and his feet are bare and they say he's mad as an old march hare~ But his cares are none and he fears no one~ Old Man of the Mountain~_** "

" ** _He talks to the birds when he's lonely~ He sleeps with the stars for a tent~ The beasts spread a feast when he's hungry~ And it don't cost him a red cent~_** "

" ** _He'll live as long as the old oak tree~ And laugh at fools like you and me~ Oh, I often sigh, and wish that I, was the Old Man of the Mountain~_** "

From there, the Ice Homunculus broke into another fit of manic scatting, which everyone else seemed to enjoy. But alas, Bonnie was having none of it.

No matter how charming he seemed, the former princess couldn't shake this uneasy feeling she got whenever she looked at Stultus. And she found it really unsettling how people just seemed to instantly fall in love with such a creepy looking thing.

It was almost like they were hypnotized or something.

Seeming to sense her thoughts, the Homunculus turned its one big eye directly at Bonnibel and stared at her intently; licking his nonexistent lips with his half-formed tongue.

She was about to say something, when she heard a strange noise coming from behind. So she spun around, and to her surprise, she saw the Ice King snoozing peacefully on the couch.

She looked back at Stultus.

And then back again at the Ice King.

That's when it hit her.

The way his eye was moving.

He wasn't staring at her.

He was staring at The Crown.

" ** _Oh, I often sigh, and wish that I, was the Old Man of the Mountain~_** "

End Notes:

"The Reefer Man", "The Scat Song", and "The Old Man of the Mountain" are all songs performed by the legendary Cab Calloway; on whom Stultus is partially based.

Also, I have more of a plan for this anthology now, so I've decided that it will be a total of twenty-six chapters long; plus a short epilogue to wrap things up.

Anyway, I'm gonna get back to my Star vs series soon. So, this story will be on hold for a while again.

But don't worry, I have every intention of finishing it.

So, until next time.

Peace.


	16. Chapter 16: Snake and Apple

I've been wanting to write this chapter for ages, and with Halloween just around the corner, now seemed like the perfect opportunity. As always, Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. Enjoy.

Chapter 16: Snake and Apple.

Static.

All the world was static.

Static and achiness.

Static, achiness, and a slight itching sensation around the buttocks.

Wait… that's not right.

Computer programs don't get aches or itches.

In fact, computer programs don't feel anything at all.

At least, they're not supposed to.

 _Minnie~_

Oh, now there's a voice coming out of the static.

A voice that was… strangely familiar.

 _Minnie~ Wakey~ Wakey~ Widdle Minniekins~_

Yes… so familiar.

Its owner's name was on the tip of her tongue.

 _I said~_ WAKE UP!

Just then, she felt a surge of electricity run through her midsection.

As agony overwhelmed her senses, she suddenly jerked forward and fell limply to the floor.

Moments later, she felt a cold metal hand cup the base of her jaw; tilting her head slightly upward.

"Oh good, you're awake." The disembodied voice said with mocking sweetness. "Now we can get going."

Slowly the static started to fade away and her vision returned.

Unfortunately, the first thing she saw was a pair of large, yellow, reptilian eyes.

"Aww~ Don't you look pwecious~"

XXX

Sometime later, never mind exactly how long, the mental fuzz that had clouded her senses finally dissipated, allowing her to take full stock of her situation.

A body.

For the first time in over a decade, she had a body.

A real one.

Not a simulation.

Not a reasonable facsimile made of metal and circuitry.

But a _real_ , honest to goodness, human body made of flesh and blood.

She didn't know how it was possible, but there was no denying it.

She was back.

Minerva Campbell was back in the real world.

Although, the circumstances were far from ideal.

What with her being trapped in the coils of some sort of hideous cybernetic snake-woman and being dragged down a darkened hallway to who knows where.

"Almost there, sweetheart." The vile cyber serpent said mockingly. "Not much farther now."

True to her word, the hideous creature soon reached the end of the hallway, which emptied out into a large circular room shrouded in darkness.

Despite the severely low visibility, Minerva could just barely make out some kind of massive object sitting in the shadows; it almost looked like some sort of enormous black sofa, only it was stretched out to encircle the entire room. It could just be a trick of the dark, but she almost swore she saw it moving.

Within moments, the two of them reached the dead center of the room and the cyber-snake released her captive; letting her drop to the floor on all fours like a common canine.

"Well, here we are, precious." The snake-woman said with mocking cuteness. "Oh wait, you can't see, can you? Here, let momma fix that for you."

With a snap of her cold metal fingers, a single pale blue spotlight clicked on; providing them both with some much-needed illumination.

"There now, isn't that better, sweetness?"

Rather than answer the she-snake's derisive question, Minerva took a moment to inspect herself.

As she'd suspected from the way the serpent's coils had chilled her skin, she was completely naked; save for what appeared to be a snow-white bikini that provided relatively no protection.

"Oopsie~ Almost forgot." The serpent-girl said girlishly before she felt something clamp around her neck. "There, now you're perfect~"

As she slithered up to the front, Minerva noticed that the cyber-snake was holding what appeared to be a long, thin leather rope that attached to the thing around her neck.

It didn't take a genius to figure out what it was.

"Who… Who are you?" Minerva asked, suddenly finding her voice. "What is this place? Why am I wearing a collar?"

At this, the snake-woman just giggled mockingly.

"Aww~ Well aren't you a curious widdle puppy poo~" she cooed condescendingly. "But if you must know. _I_ am your new mommy. _This_ is your new home. And you're wearing that collar because that's what all good little doggies do."

"I am _not_ a dog." Minerva said defiantly. "I am a human being."

At this, the cyber-naga just giggled again.

"Silly puppy. How many humans do you know that have floppy ears and a tail?"

"I don't have…"

But the words quickly died in her throat.

For reasons even she did not fully understand, Minerva had reached up to touch her own ears. But much to her horror, they did not feel like normal human ears. Instead they were indeed floppy, and… furry?

On an impulse, she craned her head around to get a look at her backside and, to her even greater horror, she saw a long, golden-haired tail protruding from her posterior.

A most disturbing sight indeed.

"W-What did you do to me?" she asked, sounding both repulsed and panic-stricken.

"Hey now, where's the gratitude? Do you know how hard I worked to make you this new body?" the snake-woman asked; clearly only pretending to be offended. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to reconstruct an entire adult human body from a fifteen-year-old strand of hair? Of course there's going to be some degradation. A few gaps in the gene sequences. But lucky for _you_ , I know how to fix these kinds of things. And even luckier, I just happened to have oodles of Golden Retriever DNA lying around. So, you know, _you're welcome_."

"Golden Retriev… you turned me into a _dog_?"

" _Yup_ ~ And again, _you're welcome_."

"Why? Why would you do this to me?"

"Aww~ Now don't get all fussy, Minnie Poo~ C'mere, let momma rub that cute widdle belly of yours~"

Minerva quickly swatted the serpent-woman's hand away.

She was not going to stand for any more of this madness.

"Get away from me, you freak!"

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I see I'm going to have to put you through some serious obedience training. I mean, honestly. How could you say that after all we've been through?"

"Been through? What are you talking about? I've never seen you before in my life."

At this, the cyber-serpent just burst into another fit of giggles.

"What's so funny?"

"Sorry, it's just… I can't believe you don't recognize me."

"How the heck would I recognize you? I don't even know what you are?"

"HA! That's rich." She replied mockingly. "But seriously. Here's a hint. Just listen to my voice, _Minerva_. Listen _carefully_."

At first, Minerva had no idea to what the sinister serpent was referring.

Surely nothing like this… _thing_ had ever existed on Founder's Island.

"Still not getting it, eh?" the snake-woman asked amusedly. "That's okay. Here's another hint. _Ahem_. We had to leave our place because~ The world was dyin'~ And everyone that wasn't dead~ Spent all of their time cryin'~"

That's when it hit her like a ton of bricks.

That voice.

That song.

This was…

But it couldn't be.

And yet it was…

"Dr. Gross?"

" _DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!_ We have a winner!"

"But… I don't understand. We all thought you were dead. What happened to you? How did you get like this?"

"Oh, it's a long story… but since you insist, I'll start from the beginning. After that little mishap with my hybrid super virus, I knew everyone would blame me for the outbreak. So rather than stick around to be lynched by the survivors, I took advantage of the confusion and split. Unfortunately, I didn't split fast enough. By the time I realized I was infected too, it was already too late. My biological components were rotting faster than I could replace them. And since going back to the Island for proper treatment was out of the question, I had to take drastic measures."

"So, you turned yourself into a monster?"

"Yes… I'm so proud of my little super bug. The perfect hybrid of streptococcus, anthrax, and necrotizing fasciitis. Ideal for decimating a mammalian population, but interestingly enough, it has no effect on reptiles. So, I just spliced myself with cobra DNA and Bing, Bang, Boom, I was cured."

"But at what cost?" Minerva spat back venomously. "Just look at yourself, Mallory. You're not even human anymore. You're like… a circus freak!"

"Hey now, no need to get all judgey. Need I remind you that you're the one who likes drinking out of toilets."

"No, I don't!"

"Oh, you _will_. Trust me. I've got all kinds of fun plans for your reeducation. Don't you worry about _that_." The cyber-serpent said with a rare mix of manic and maniacal, before quickly shifting back to playful. "But all fun and games aside, it's great to see you again, Minnie. And now that you're here, I can finally tell you all about my Master Plan~"

"Master Plan?" she repeated dubiously.

"Well… it's really more my husband's Master Plan. Maybe I should let him explain it to you. Hold on a sec. _Oh Honey~_ "

Just then, the entire room started to shake.

In the shadows, Minerva could just barely make out the shape of something large and heavy dragging itself across the floor at a remarkable speed.

She could hear something breathing out there in the dark.

Breathing and Hissing.

Suddenly, a large object entered the spotlight; one so massive that it very nearly eclipsed the whole thing.

Hesitantly, Minerva looked upward, and her eyes went wide with fright.

There, seemingly hovering just ten feet above her, was the head of an enormous, dark purple snake.

Feeling helpless and horrified, Minerva just sat that, as still as stone, as the monstrous mega-serpent looked down on her with its hideous yellow eyes and its mouth stretched into an almost humanlike smile.

"You called, my sweet?"

Minerva's heart nearly leapt into her throat.

It _talked_.

The gigantic, purple, yellow-eyed monster snake had just _talked._

In English.

And with a sort of pseudo-British accent.

Had she not just been turned into a human-dog-hybrid by a human-snake-hybrid-cyborg, _this_ would probably be the most disturbing thing to ever happen to her.

"Why is she looking at me like that?" the Mega-Snake asked; raising a nonexistent eyebrow. "She acts like she's never seen me before."

"Yeah, that's my bad, babe." Dr. Gross replied, sounding slightly embarrassed. "See, I basically had to download the contents of a supercomputer into a three-pound sack of meat. There wasn't enough room for everything, so I deleted a few nonessentials; including the last six months."

"Hmmm… I see. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. Better to have her out here where she can't do any more harm." The great serpent said casually, before shifting its focus solely on Minerva. "Now then, Dr. Campbell. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am Plutus. Prince of Greed. God of Desire. And Husband to the most beautiful woman alive."

"Oh, you~" the cyber-naga said, blushing like a schoolgirl.

"Now, based on our first encounter, I'm sure you want to know where you are and what you're doing here. So, for the sake of expediency, I'll just tell you right now. You are in the Vice Kingdom; a small city-state located on a large continent called the Land of Ooo. And you are here because I intend to honor the memory of your ancestors and undo the damage done by your wretched _Founders_."

"W-What?"

" _Heh-Heh_. I don't expect you to understand this, by my kind has always held humanity in high regard. After all, it was a serpent who taught mankind the ways of trickery and sin. And it is with these gifts that your ancient ancestors became the masters of this world. You are our children, and we can't help but feel a certain sense of pride at your accomplishments."

Suddenly, there was a flash of anger in the mega-snake's eyes and its mouth formed an ugly sneer.

"But then the Mushroom War came, and in all the confusion, your horrid Founders led humanity astray. Brought them to their wretched Islands and over the course of centuries, systematically sapped them of everything that made them great. Turning a once proud race of predators into a pathetic nation of herbivores!"

Then, just as quickly as it appeared, the rage disappeared from the ultra-snake's eyes, to be quickly replaced by a glint of dark satisfaction.

"Ah… but all that's in the past. Now, thanks to the blessing of the Catalyst Comet and the assistance of my oh-so _gorgeous_ bride, I can restore your species to its former glory. I can give back everything the Founders took from you. Your pride. Your ambition. Your unrelenting lust for _more_. I shall return you to the ways of vice and avarice, and restore you to your rightful place as lords of all creation."

"You are completely out of your mind." Said Minerva, feeling as though she was stating the obvious. "You both are. You're talking about regressing humankind to the mindset that destroyed the world."

"The world wasn't destroyed, Minnie. It merely… _changed_." Dr. Gross cut in suddenly. "And our ancestors could have adapted to it. Maybe even reconquered it. Had the Founders not dragged everyone to their Islands and turned us all into gutless sheepeople."

"Mallory, you more than anyone else believed in the Founder's teachings. How could you just turn your back on them?"

"Because you turned your back on me!" the snake-woman exploded. "All I wanted to do was help! To make everyone better! But then you got in my way! You turned everyone against me! Convicted everyone that I was _crazy_! And _why_? Because I couldn't save your stupid baby! That wasn't my fault you _stinking_ **_bitch_**!"

Dr. Gross was left panting by the end of her little rant.

And her one organic eye was twitching like crazy.

Clearly this had been building up for quite some time.

Fortunately, it only took a few moments for her to regain her composure and resume her normal, eerily cheerful demeanor.

"But… all that's in the past. Now we must focus on the future, and humanity's glorious rebirth."

"Mallory, I… I'm sorry for what's happened to you, but this is lunacy. You're talking about dragging the human race back into the mud. Undoing all the progress we've made as a species. I can't… I won't let you get away with this."

At this, the two serpents just laughed derisively.

" _Won't let us get away with it_?" Dr. Gross repeated teasingly. "Silly puppy, we've been _getting away with it_ for almost six months."

" _What_?"

"You know, maybe it'd be better if I just show you. Uh, honey, which one's the…"

"On your wrist, darling."

"Oh, I see it now. Thanks, baby"

And with that, the cyber-serpent tapped a button on her metal arm.

Moments later, a dozen or so holo-screens materialized from out of nowhere.

A few seconds after that, images began appearing on the screens.

Images that made Minerva's heart sink.

Before her was a nightmarish tapestry of violence and human suffering.

Each screen depicted its own unique and horrific phantasmagoria.

She saw a man she'd once treated for head lice bashing another man's head with a tire iron.

She saw a woman she knew to be married engaging in a number of perverse acts with more than a dozen men less than half her age.

She saw Seekers throwing Molotov Cocktails at frightened passersby.

Teachers drinking and huffing paint thinner.

Scientists using body parts as poker chips.

Little children crying in terror while all the adults around them act like rabid animals.

For someone who had dedicated their entire life to ensuring the health and happiness of others, this was the stuff of nightmares.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" the mega-snake purred softly into her ear. "It took the Founders over six hundred years to devolve you into frightened cattle. And yet it took me less than six months to undo the damage. Do you know why, Dr. Campbell? It's because sin is the natural order of your species. You thrive on violence, lust, avarice, and hate. You just need an outlet. A place to let your darker impulses run wild. And it all comes flooding back to you."

Minerva opened her mouth to say something, but whatever it was suddenly died in her throat, as she felt something sharp piece the side of her neck.

Then her body fell limp.

"Now, now, easy there my little doggy woggy~" Dr. Gross cooed mockingly as she picked up the other woman and cradled her in her arms like a baby. "Don't you worry about a thing. I'm gonna keep you nice and safe up here in the palace we me~ And I'm gonna feed you~ And bathe you~ And play with you~ And love you~ And teach you all kinds of fun new tricks~"

Slowly, the static started seeping back in; overtaking her sense of sight and sound.

"And you're gonna be my sweet, adorable, obedient widdle puppy poo poo forever and ever and _ever_ and **_ever_** ~"

Then it all went black.

End Notes:

Happy Halloween~


	17. Chapter 17: Uncle G

I'll be getting back to my Star vs. story very soon. I just wanting to get this chapter out of the way first. Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Enjoy.

Chapter 17: Uncle G.

"Ugh…" Bonnibel groaned as she rolled over in her bed; only about 43% awake. "Humzah… Humzah Fa Fa…. wool socks…"

It had been a rough night for the former princess in terms of sleeping; possibly the worst she'd ever had.

All night long, her weary mind was plagued by visions of skeletons, pigs, and ghosts from a long-forgotten era.

Visions so vivid and bizarre that they jolted the young servant girl back to conscious every ten to twenty minutes; providing her with less than half the daily recommended eight hours of sleep.

Needless to say, she was in no hurry to get out of bed anytime soon.

And yet, deep down she knew she'd eventually have to.

She was the Queen's assistant after all.

And she had a full day of errand running, schedule making, and pampered princess butt kissing ahead of her.

So, like it or not, she had to wake up.

Even if it meant trudging through the rest of the day like a zombie.

So, despite her many objections, Bonnibel forced herself into a seated position and started mentally preparing for what was sure to be a long and aggravating day.

However, the moment she opened her eyes, the former princess instantly noticed that something was off.

This room… it wasn't hers. Though oddly enough, it looked like it should be.

The walls were pink. The carpet was purple. There were all kinds of bookshelves and scientific equipment all over the place.

The room looked like it would be hers, but it wasn't.

A most perplexing situation indeed.

"Well… this is… different." She said calmly, still only half awake. "Guess I'd better investigate."

And with that, the former princess dragged herself out of bed and shakily propped herself back on her feet; allowing her to get a better look at her new surroundings.

As she slowly inched herself across the floor like a newborn lamb, Bonnibel started to notice several other peculiarities. For one, the walls were decorated with framed certificates and diplomas; all of which, upon closer inspection, bore her name and royal seal. Upon each bookshelf was a collection of learned tomes ranging from the subjects of astronomy to zoology. A single workbench rested in the far corner, upon which sat not only a fine assortment of beakers and flasks, but a small cage containing a familiar candy corn rat.

"Science…" she muttered to herself in amazement.

It was now clear to her that whomever brought her here had painstakingly tailored this room to her specific tastes and sensibilities.

The only questions were who, how, and why.

 _KNOCK!_

 _KNOCK!_

 ** _KNOCK!_**

A sudden rapping sound came from the door on the opposite wall; bringing the former princess back to reality.

Logically speaking, it was most likely either her captor or someone who worked for him coming to check up on her.

In either case, the person on the other side of the door was in a prime position to provide her with some answers.

So, having no other options she could think of, Bonnie simply cleared her throat and called out,

"Come in."

Moments later, the door opened and, believe it or not, a short, fat, orangish-brown pig in a black tuxedo walked through; and on its hind legs no less.

Upon closer inspection, the former princess noted that the strange looking swine was not made of flesh and blood like she'd initially assumed, but rather of what appeared to be marzipan.

This thing was a Candy Creature.

"Excuse me, my lady." The marzipan pig said politely in a thick German accent. "So sorry for the intrusion, but the Master wishes for you to join him in the parlor for tea."

"Uh… okay." She replied, not really knowing what else to say. "I mean… I'm kinda in my pajamas here, but…"

"Oh, that's quite alright." The candy swine said calmly. "The Master actually prefers you this way."

Okay, now _that_ did not sound good.

This _Master_ , whoever he was, was starting to sound like a major pervert.

And judging by the layout of this room, he was probably a stalker too.

Still, he had the homefield advantage. And with none of her usual gear, Bonnie was at a serious disadvantage. So, for all intents and purposes, she was trapped and at this Master's mercy.

So, with no other options available at the time, she just shrugged and said,

"Alright… lead the way."

XXX

Surprisingly, the layout of her captor's lair was not nearly as labyrinthian as she'd feared. In fact, based on what she'd seen so far, it was actually rather simplistic; one long hallway followed by two flights of stairs and then another long hallway. Simple enough to remember. Even simpler to escape from; provided they weren't in some secret bunker sixty miles below the surface. But really, what were the odds of that?

At any rate, until this mysterious Master revealed himself and his intentions for her there was really no point in trying to escape; after all, there was a chance, no matter how slim, that this was nothing more than a childish prank.

However, as she pondered this possibility, her nose was struck by an odd, but familiar odor. Having spent a lifetime amongst living candy, Bonnie had developed a sort of sixth sense when it came to identifying sugary treats and confections. So, it only took her about a minute to recognize it as hot Darjeeling tea with a side of fresh chocolate glazed donuts with cream filling.

An unusual pairing. And yet, the former princess couldn't help but feel like she'd seen it somewhere before.

Unfortunately, before she could ponder this mystery any further, her guild suddenly stopped.

"We've arrived, my lady." The candy swine said politely as he stepped aside and gestured towards a large, ornate door she hadn't noticed until just then. "The Master is waiting for you on the other side. Please try not to… 'freak out' when you see him."

"What?" she asked confusedly.

"Just something the Master said earlier. No need to read into it, my lady."

"Oh, um… alright then."

And with that, Bonnie cautiously grabbed the brass handle, and after taking a quick cleansing breath, she slowly pulled the door open and then carefully stepped through into the room beyond.

Once inside, the former princess instantly noticed a stark change in atmosphere. While the halls and stairwells had been bland and sterile, this new room, 'the Parlor' if she remembered correctly, was warm and inviting. The walls were decorated with a lovely pink and purple fleur de li pattern and the deep shag carpeting was an almost perfect match. In the far corner was an antique phonograph that filled the air with sweet music; Shubert, unless she was mistaken. Not far from that, there was a small fireplace with a crackling fire that filled the room with a comforting warmth and a mantle that proudly displayed an assortment of old photographs that Bonnie couldn't quite make out from where she was standing. In front of the fireplace, there sat two large, comfy looking armchairs. And in one of those armchairs, obscured by the fire's strange orange glow, sat a tall, older gentleman sipping what could only be a piping hot cup of Darjeeling tea.

Obviously, her mysterious captor.

"Ah, there you are, my little prinzessin." The faceless man said warmly. "Did you have a nice nap?"

"Not really." Bonnie answered sharply. "But then, I never really sleep that well during a kidnapping."

"Kidnapping?" the Master replied, sounding more amused than insulted. "I prefer to think of it as… an involuntary impromptu visit."

"And chiropractors like to think of themselves as doctors, but that doesn't make it true."

"Now, now, sweetness. There's no need to be cross. Come have a seat. I've got donuts."

"No thanks. I don't have tea with perverts."

"Oh, so I'm a pervert now, am I?" her captor said with a hardy chuckle. "I knew you'd be angry with me, dearie, but I thought eight hundred years would've cooled your temper."

"Eight hun… what the hell are you talking about? Who are you?"

At this, the stranger laughed even harder.

" _Who am I?_ Oh, now that's a hot one." The man said amusedly, before getting up from his chair and taking a few steps closer. "Don't you recognize me, Bonnie? It's your old Uncle G."

XXX

Sometime later, never mind exactly how long, Bonnibel regained consciousness.

She wasn't sure if she'd fainted from the shock of meeting someone who's supposed to be dead or merely nodded off from lack of sleep, but either way it was embarrassing.

Regardless, once the last vestiges of sleep had finally worn off, the former princess realized that she was sitting in one of the chairs from before, while her captor sat across from her in the other; sporting the warm, almost paternal expression she'd seen many times during her childhood.

It was unbelievable.

Her beloved Uncle Gumbald; alive and well after all these years.

It was simply too wonderful for words.

But then… why didn't she feel happy?

"Feeling better, dearie?" the older gentleman asked good-naturedly. "I gotta say, you had me worried there for a minute."

"Yeah… sorry about that." She replied awkwardly. "I didn't get much sleep last night."

"You never could sleep in a new bed. At least not the first night. Why, I remember this one time, mid-April I believe, you had just gotten over your bedwetting problem, and you were ready to try…"

"How are you not dead?" Bonnibel asked bluntly, surprising herself.

Fortunately, her uncle found this more amusing than alarming.

"Dead?" he repeated, pausing only for a quick chuckle. "Who told you I was dead?"

"Aunt Molly. She said you…"

It was then that Bonnie realized something that should have been rather obvious. Her Aunt Molly had never actually used the word 'dead'. All those years ago she'd only said that Uncle Gumbald had gone away and would never be coming back. Her young analytical mind must've just filled in the blanks based on the available data.

"I guess I just jumped to conclusions."

"Oh well, no harm done." The older gentleman said cheerily. "All that matters is that we're together now."

"Yeah… about that…" the former princess replied tentative. "Not that it isn't great to know you're not dead, but… did you kidnap me?"

"Eh… technically, yes. But more technically, no." Gumbald answered cryptically. "Yes, I did have my men take you from your bed at the palace while you were sleeping, but you're free to leave whenever you want. Although I do hope you'll stay for dinner. Otto makes this crab bisque you won't believe. _MMM_ ~ I swear, you can't eat it standing up. Your knees buckle."

"Whoa! Hold it. One thing at a time, please." Bonnie said, her voice dripping with exasperation. "Who the hell is Otto?"

"Oh, he's my butler. You met him early actually. Little short fellow. Sort of on the hefty side."

"Okay, but… I still don't understand. If you didn't die, then… why did you leave? I thought everything was going so well."

The warm, inviting atmosphere that had radiated throughout the parlor suddenly vanished, and Uncle Gumbald's jovial façade was replaced by a look of cold seriousness.

"Tell me, Bonnie. Do you remember the last time we saw each other?" he asked, his tone betraying none of his true emotions. "It was in mid-July I believe, about eight hundred years ago. We were all living in the new cabin I'd built for us and I had just laid out my plans for my magnificent Candy City. But the very next morning, much to my surprise, an enormous lake of butterscotch appeared right on the spot where I'd planned to break ground. You remember _that_ right?"

The former princess turned away from her passive accuser.

She did indeed remember.

"Now, you said the lake was a present for me. And who knows, maybe at the time you really believed that. But we both know what it really was. It was you asserting your dominance. Reminding me who was in charge. I knew then and there that you'd never allow me to be anything more than one of your toys. So, I removed myself from the situation and went out to try and make it on my own."

Just then, Gumbald's stern expression quickly softened.

"Of course, if I'd known what was going to happen to Molly and Chicle, I never would've left you all alone. So, for that, I do apologize."

"No, it's alright." Bonnibel replied, sounding hollow and a little ashamed. "I know I can be… difficult to live with. And I know I can be controlling, but… I can't help it. I'm so much smarter than everyone else. I see the world in ways no one else can. And when people don't listen to me they… they…"

"Die." The older gentleman said, completing her sentence. "That's what happened to Molly and Chicle, isn't it? They didn't listen to you when you warned them not to do something dangerous and it got them both killed. So, in response, you created a race of sentient candy with limited intelligence. That way they'd be too simple-minded to question you."

"Good Grop…" the former princess muttered hollowly. "Uncle, am I… I mean, do you think I'm… a bad person?"

"That depends. Do you want my honest opinion, or do you just want me to say something to make you feel better?"

"I don't know, both, I guess."

"Well… I think you mean well. But somewhere along the line you got it into your head that being smarter than everyone else means you can do whatever you want. That the ends justify the means and that other people's feelings are irrelevant as long as everything works out. Though, if I'm being honest, I'm not much better. Maybe just a little less ambitious than you are."

"Still… it feels like no matter what I do I can't win. When I try to control everything it just makes people hate me. But when I do nothing it just makes things worse. It's like the universe hates me or something."

"Aww~ Now, don't get all mopey on me, prinzessin." Uncle Gumbald said warmly, in a clear attempt to steer the conversation towards something less depressing. "Say, I know. How's about I show you a little something I've been working on the last few years? That oughta put a little puff in your petticoat. What do ya say?"

Bonnibel thought about this for a few moments, and after concluding that she had nothing better to do, she just shrugged her shoulders and said,

"Sure, why not."

XXX

The journey from the parlor to Gumbald's 'top secret project' was a lengthy one; taking her down two more long hallways and another flight of stairs.

But on the plus side, the long walk afforded her with plenty of time to think. And during that time, she'd made a rather unsettling discovery.

The pattern of self-destructive behavior, the abnormal need to control the lives of others that had cost her the love of her life and her kingdom, had begun not with the death of her Aunt and Cousin like she'd thought, but actually much earlier with her Uncle.

Which could only mean that this less than favorable trait had been a part of her since birth.

Maybe… maybe if she'd realized it back then, done a few things differently, maybe her life wouldn't have gone straight down the tubes.

Gumbald would never have left.

Molly and Chicle wouldn't have died so pointlessly.

Flame Queen wouldn't be running the Candy Kingdom.

Marceline wouldn't have been transformed into a giggly girly girl obsessed with collecting bimbos.

And _she_ wouldn't have to waste her life running errands and absorbing haughty remarks from Princess Egg-Breath.

Yeah… if only.

"We're here~" Uncle Gumbald said cheerily; snapping Bonnibel out of her funk.

Suddenly, the former princess found herself standing before a large metal door; shaped, interestingly enough, like a giant gear.

"Okay. So… your new project is behind this door?"

"Err… yes… and no." the older gentleman answered cryptically. "What I mean is, what's behind this door will help you to understand the full scope of my latest pet project. Although… I guess _latest_ is a bit of a stretch. I've been working on this baby for almost eighty years."

"Alright, so what is it?"

"Oh, yes, of course. One moment, dear." He said, before pressing a small button on the intercom beside the door. "Heinrich. Two coming in."

"Two coming in, Sir." Replied a gruff voice on the other end.

Moments later, the large gear-like door started rolling to the side on a little track; clearing the way for the two gum beings.

"After you, my dear." Gumbald said politely.

To which, Bonnie replied with a smile and a grateful nod, before stepping through to the room beyond.

Once inside, the former princess' eyes went wide with amazement. Suddenly she was standing on the bridge of a magnificent vessel. All around her were computer terminals and workstations manned by diligent personnel. Before her, at the end of a short little walkway, was a gleaming ship's helm; possibly the result of sunlight refracting off its polished silver finish. And beyond that was the infinite horizon; framed perfectly by the enormous glass done that seemed to take up a third of the room.

It was like something from a dream.

"Sugar Skeletons." Uncle Gumbald cut in abruptly.

"What?"

"That's what I call my underlings. Sugar Skeletons. A little on the nose, I'll admit, but accurate."

Upon further inspection, Bonnie realized that the people around them were in fact multicolored skeletons; ones made of sugar apparently.

"Yeah… I'm quite proud of my little creations. So diligent. So focused on their duties. A little stiff, if I'm being honest, but hey, not everyone can be a comedian."

"I think they're amazing."

"Well, thanks. I've also got a stable full of jelly horses a few floors down. Plus, a whole colony of candy rats. Though, those are mostly for ambiance."

"Okay… but what is all this?" Bonnie asked curiously. "I mean, are we on some kind of giant plane or…"

But her question was quickly cutoff by her Uncle's booming laugher.

"A _plane_?" he repeated amusedly. "As if I would ever waste my time on something so ordinary. No, no, no, Bonnie. This is no plane. _This_ is the S.S. Zuckerspieß. The largest and most technologically advanced ridged airship the world has ever seen."

"So… it's a blimp then?"

" _Ridged Airship_."

"Okay, okay. But what is this _Ridged Airship_ for?"

"Just follow me and I'll show you."

Gumbald casually led his niece down the short catwalk until they were both standing before the helm.

"Wanna give it a go?"

"W-What?"

"Come on, don't be shy. It's easy. Just put your left hand on ten and your right hand on two. And I'll just switch off the autopilot and… there."

Before she even realized what was happening, Bonnie had been positioned at the wheel. Suddenly she was in command; of the ship's direction at least. From her new post she could hear everything; the hum of the engines, the whir of the gyroscopes, even the ever so subtle sound of candy rats scurrying through the ventilation system. But even more amazingly, she could _feel_ everything as well; every dip, every turn, every single seemingly imperceptible movement. It was like the ship was alive and she was its brain.

On a whim, Bonnie looked down and through the glorious glass dome she saw the southern coast of Ooo. She had been there many times for one reason or another, but somehow seeing it from this perspective gave the stark landscape and turbulent ocean a new and almost ethereal beauty.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Uncle Gumbald asked her, snapping the former princess out of her trance.

"Yeah…" she replied dreamily, before she remembered something she wanted to ask him earlier. "So… what is all this for?"

"Oh, nothing special. Just a little trip."

"A trip? To where?"

"The South Pole first, I think. And then… I don't know, maybe I'll check out Australia."

"Australia?"

"Yes, it was a country that existed before the Mushroom War. I read all about it in a book I found. They had a lot of weird looking animals back then. I'd love to see what's become of them. And after that… who knows?"

"But… how long will you be gone?"

"Oh… I don't know. A year. Ten years. Maybe the rest of my life. Should be loads of fun… if I had the right companion."

"W-What?"

"Now, don't get me wrong. The Sugar Skeletons are nice, and Otto is such a lovely fellow, but sadly they just don't have that… certain something. That… _thing_ that makes for intelligent conversation."

"Wait… do you… want me to go with you?"

"Alright, you've talked me into it. Let's get going."

"What! NO! I can't just… take off on some random whirlwind adventure."

"Why not?"

" _Why not_! Because I have a job! And friends! And responsibilities! That's why not!"

"Oh, that's right. You're job. The one where you cater to the whims of an overindulgent queen and her spoiled bubbleheaded harem. Oh yes, _that job_."

"Look, I know it's not exactly glamourous…"

"Or challenging. Or fulfilling. Or big on dignity."

" _But_ it's important!"

" _Important_? Oh please. I've been keeping an eye on you all these years. I know you, Bonnie. I know you better than you know yourself."

"You don't know anything."

"I know that the only reason you keep that humiliating job is because you still cling to the hope of someday winning back your precious Marceline. Well, I've got news for you, prinzessin. That's never gonna happen. Her brain's been completely rewired. She doesn't love you anymore and she never will again."

"So, what? I should just give up? Run away, like you did?"

"I didn't run away, Bonnie. I removed myself from a bad situation because it was the only sane choice I could make."

"Well, if I was so horrible, then why do you want me with you now?"

"Because you're in an even worse situation, Bonnie. You lost your kingdom. You lost your true love. You lost the trust of just about everyone in Ooo. You're stuck in a dead-end job kissing the spoiled butts of brainless bimbos. Hell, at this point you're a lower status character than the Ice King."

"I'm well aware of my situation, but I can't just pack up and leave because times are tough."

"Why not? Bonnie, you've got nothing holding you here. Everyone hates you, the few friends you've got are moving on with their lives, and your one true love thinks you're her errand girl. Sweetheart, walking away is the only healthy thing left to do."

This time Bonnie didn't respond right away. As much as she didn't want to admit it, there was a certain logic to what her Uncle was saying.

Still, one thing wasn't quite adding up.

"You still never told me why you want me with you. I mean, if abandoning me was the healthy thing to do, then why take me back?"

At this, the older gum creature just let out an exasperated sigh.

"Look, Bonnie, I'm not gonna pretend I'm not still bitter about the whole lake thing. But what kind of monster would I be if I knew my niece was suffering and I didn't at least try to offer her a way out."

"So, in other words, this is about making yourself feel better, not about helping me."

" _Ugh_! You're so paranoid!" Gumbald replied annoyedly. "Look, I'm leaving with or without you, so if you _really_ don't wanna go just say so now and I'll be happy to drop you off somewhere. Then you can go back to kissing the Vampire Queen's pampered, spoiled butt and you can luxuriate in the knowledge that it's a life you've freely chosen. But answer me this, can you honestly say that for the rest of your life, you won't ever wonder what would've happened if you'd just come with me?"

Yet again, Bonnie didn't respond right away. She had to think long and hard about this one. Everything her Uncle had said was true; though she would never admit this out loud. However, it was what he wasn't saying that really intrigued her. Why was he in such a hurry to leave the Land of Ooo forever? And more importantly, why did he seem so desperate to have her come with him?

Did he know something that she didn't?

Was something bad about to happen to Ooo?

Oh well, under the circumstances, there was only one way to find out.

"Okay, Uncle. You've got yourself a traveling companion."

"Really? You mean it?" he asked excitedly, suddenly regaining his previous air of whimsy. "That's wonderfu…"

"On one condition." She cut him off abruptly.

"Sure. Whatever you want. Just name it."

"I want… a uniform."

End Notes:

 _1) Roughly eighteen and a half months after Gumbald's disappearance, Aunt Molly and Cousin Chicle developed a strange fascination with all-terrain vehicles; one so powerful that they decided to build one themselves. Little Bonnie frequently told them to abandon their new project on the grounds that it was "Stupid and Dangerous", but the two ignored her input, claiming that she was just being a "Wet Blanket". On the day of their first test run, a leak in the ATV's fuel line caused a malfunction that ended in a fiery explosion that claimed both their lives. This experience left a rather nasty scar on Bonnibel's psyche._

 _2) During the mid-19_ _th_ _to early 23_ _rd_ _Centuries, the Earth's Magical Energy Level or MEL was at its lowest in all recorded history. During this period, many magical creatures such as fairies, goblins and even vampires were forced into either hibernation or obscurity to conserve what little energy they had. Originally, this phenomenon was believed to be the result of mankind's Industrial Revolution and subsequent advances in technology. However, it was later discovered by the German scientist Dr. Fredrich von Munchausen, who was also the Candy Elemental during the late 1960s, that it was actually the result of an enormous burst of tachyons radiating backwards and forwards through time; disrupting the Earth's natural flow of Magical Energy. Dr. Munchausen came up with several interesting theories to explain this mysterious tachyon pulse, but in his opinion, the most likely cause would have to be an EMP triggered by multiple warhead detonations._

Thanks for reading and I'll see you when I see you.

Peace.


End file.
